Do you find yourself experiencing lower back pains? A sense of letdown with the world around you? Do you find yourself wondering why gravity seems to have such a terrible effect on womens' breasts? Then either you're Hugh Hefner, or you just might be coming back from a comic book convention.

I've just experienced two conventions recently, one that required driving to another state and one that was right in my back yard, so I'm going to give you the benefit of my years of experience and cover some of the general rules of comic book convention going and those special rules you need to keep in mind for the far away Cons.

RULE #1 - Whenever possible attend with a friend

This is a good rule for either type of convention. Usually, we part ways as soon as we get there, but if you need help moving some merchandise to your car then that buddy is only a cell phone call away. This can also work if you're only going one day and your friend is going for the whole convention. He can scout things out for you, for instance, say you want to know which celebrities might have the longest lines for autographs. Who'd have thought that ex-WCW wrestler Virgil would out draw Smallville's Erica Durance?

Also, on those road trip cons, it's nice to have someone to help you eat the cost of gasoline and parking fees. Otherwise you might have to take out that third mortgage to pay for all your petrol. And I do NOT recommend hitch-hiking. I refer you to the late George Carlin in “Jay & Bob Strike Back!” as to the horrible price you might have to pay.

RULE #2 - Save your money in advance

These cons are frickin' expensive. Now the road trip cons are less costly, but keep in mind what you'll pay on gasoline. And if you are staying overnight then you've got the added expense of a hotel room.

If you're an art hound like me you've got to consider the costs of art commissions by your favorite pencillers. Different artists charge different fees, but try finding some recent examples of their work over at www.comicartfans.com and then ask the owners what they paid. That will give you some idea. Also, some artists will sketch for you, but charge a fee, or at the least, collect for a charity in exchange for their time and talent. Some sketch for free but never assume.

Cons are also a great place to find a deal. Most dealers are willing to haggle, especially if it's the last day and they do NOT want to haul back all their stuff. A lot of trade paper backs and solo issues can be picked up at ½ off. And if there's that statue of Powergirl that you've been meaning to start praying to, now is the time to pick it up and bypass those high Ebay mark ups. The great thing about cons is that sales tax seems to be a foreign concept.

At the home based cons, unless you're independently wealthy you've got to take into consideration your expenses: For instance, parking. One time a friend and I parked far away from the con and walked. We saved eleven bucks, but I ended up making two round-trips (once to drop off merchandise) across eight blocks in 100 degree heat. By the end, I had to be hooked up to a gallon of Gatorade intravenously as sub-zero AC rolled over me. Also, consider eating. Try and eat outside of a con whenever possible, because the inside the con food is no better than a cross between movie theater junk food as if it were produced by your Junior High cafeteria and the price they charge for it actually made the Disney theme park people, say, “Now, that's going too far.”

RULE #3 - Panels are a great place to rest your feet and grab some H2O.

This one applies to the multi-day cons. Occasionally you'll find yourself wanting to sit down and look through your stuff. Hello convention programming. You'll find the cons put on panels where comic creators and media personalities (The wonderful people that you and I might call “celebrities”, or at least the people who work with “celebrities”) Unless its a ticketed event where some movie or famous geek (Hello, Kevin Smith) is lecturing you can usually just snatch a squat in the back. There's chairs so you don't have to sit on the floor and sometimes, there's even a cooler and rows of Dixie cups. After tons of walking and sweating, that cup of ice-cold water can really perk you up and fight back the dehydration brought on by more exercise in a day than you get all year.

RULE #4 – The Internet is your friend

Want to learn when Joe Quesada is going to have Mr. Fantastic get out of his marriage by putting in that call to Mephisto? Dying to know when Geoff Johns is going to take over writing the other half of DC's titles? Then you want to attend one of those panels I mentioned above. But wait Mr. Geek, you say, if I attend those panels I'd have to leave the line I'm in and miss out on getting my comic book signed and who wouldn't want to drive the value up on their thirty copies of Youngblood #1 you picked up in the 90s? This is where the internet comes in there are many sites that exclusively covers the larger cons and puts this news out almost as quickly as its given.

Most cons also have their own websites and you can get a .PDF of the floor to find out where your creators and celebs are stationed on the floor. Usually signing times at the big company booths are only posted at the con itself but some charities such as the Hero initiative will post their con signing schedules to help you get your game plan ready of where and when you need to be.

RULE #5 – Learn to love rejection

I tried to think of a good word that combines failure and rejection for the above rule, but the closest I could come was fecture. If you're an aspiring artist you can usually get your portfolio reviewed both casually and professionally. Most artists won't mind sneaking a peak at what you're packing...that came out creepier than I intended, sorry. And if you're lucky enough you can even get the companies to look over your work . It's doubtful they'll try and hire you right then and there but in either scenario you get some free advice.

Oh, and if you're a writer you're screwed. The companies aren't interested in writing submissions, I used to try and submit as an artist. God, I miss those days. If you're lucky maybe one or two companies will take your submission, but I hear the same thing over and over, get your work published. If I could get published on my own I wouldn't be coming to you, now would I? WOULD I!?!?!?

The preceding bitter rant was brought to you by a grant from the CHUBB foundation.

And there's also the sketchbook. As I mentioned, some artists will do sketches for you. Now I hate to pay for sketches outside of charitable donations. So if you ask try asking for a “quick head sketch” but if they're too busy or they just don't sketch, do NOT get all huffy and snotty about it. If you don't taste defeat you can never savor glory.

The preceding cliché was brought to you from a fortune cookie I had at Panda Express. “Panda Express, try our new Beijing Beef. It's hardly awful.”

RULE #6 – Your body will pay a price.

This isn't so bad when you're only doing a con for one day and even less so if it's the out of state and you have to spend most of your time driving too and fro. But if you're doing the backyard three day con, look out. For my own personal experience I take a backpack to hold all the comics I want to get signed. Now granted, I can spread those out over three days, but if I miss a signing or two then it catches up to you on the third day. Also, having never been cool I compensate by only using one strap on my pack. Also you usually get a bag to carry around your merchandise you pick up at the dealers. So after the third day, I can no longer raise my arms above my line of sight. Yes, I can still do my mummy impression but what good is that at work the next Monday?

Also, if you want to get the autographs you're going to be standing in line, be it at the company booths or in the back where the artists rent tables. Oh and by the way, don't sweat getting to the back for the famous artists. Only the starving artists show up when the doors open. If your artist has a line when the show starts you'll be waiting for quite awhile. Conventions put theme parks in mid-summer to shame. Because at the parks, at least, the lines move. At cons. They don't move till the artists shows up, so by the end of day three you've got a nice sore back that will last you another week as a souvenir. The memories, those last a lifetime...or a few years at least.

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I hope this helps you get the most out of your con experience. Yes, they can be tough, but for me that annual comic convention is the closest thing that I get to a vacation, surrounding myself with old friends both two and three dimensional. So get out there and try to get the most out of your comic book convention experience.

Yours in geekdom,
L.A.G.