Countdown to Serenity Series

The BIFLI Chronicles—Firefly, Episode 4:  “Shindig”

Original Airdate:  November 1, 2002

FOX-Televised Chronological Spot:  Episode 6

Intended Chronological Slot:  Episode 4

 

 

 

 

 

OK, moving right along to the second disc, it’s time for “Shindig”.

 

[Now, hold on, are we sure it’s a shindig?  I mean, how do we know that it’s not a gathering or a hootenanny?]

 

...Do you realize the infinitesimally small percentage of readers who will get that reference?

 

[Well, taking the small number of readers we’ve already got and dividing them by the number of people reading this right now, we can assume that they’ve read the first three episodes’ worth of articles.  Now, nobody would have done that unless they A) are fans of Joss Whedon’s other work and they wanted to form an opinion as to whether or not to purchase Firefly, or B) love Firefly (insinuating that they also, again, love Joss Whedon’s other work) and, instead of watching it again, are spending their time reading some big fat guy’s opinion on it.  This means that the heavy majority of those reading this have, in fact, seen the Buffy episode—“Dead Man’s Party”, Season 3, Episode 2—that that joke came from, so HA!  What do you think of THAT, Mr. Condescending Sandwich Dispenser Who Claims to Be a Person?]

 

......

 

[......]

 

You see that bottle of deodorant on the dresser there?

 

[Yeah.]

 

I WILL SHOVE THAT UP YOUR PEEHOLE IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

 

[Pssh...dude, you’d be doing it to yourself!]

 

...Oh.

 

...

 

I WILL MAKE YOU WATCH ARMAGEDDON IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

 

[O_O]

 

...Clear?

 

[Crystal.]

 

OK, then.  On with the show!

 

Three of our friends—Mal, Jayne and Inara—are in a bar, with the former two playing pool with another patron.  The patron is talking about his ship, not unlike how a car lover talks about his latest, *ahem*, “ride”.  Turns out, this guy’s a slavetrader who just finished a big deal.  Also turns out, Mal picked his pocket.  Inara sorta-kinda scolds him about it.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mal:  Oh, terrible shame!  ‘Course, they won’t discover it till they go order their next round of drinks.

Slavetrader:  *puts his hand on Mal’s shoulder*  Wei.
Mal:  Good drinker, that one!  *punch!*

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Fighting and clotheslining and hitting people with sticks ensues.  Mal & Co., leave...

 

...and that’s it.  Opening credits.

 

[...Wow.  That was, uh, short.]

 

Yep.  Well, whatever.  Let’s us hear the theme music again.

 

[Things looking up.]

 

 

Zoe and Wash are having some time together in the cockpit.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how attractive you think Alan Tudyk is), their clothes are on.  They’re actually talking about their next stop—a return (and extended stay) to Persephone.  Wash is excited about it, which surprises his wife.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Zoe:  Thought you get land crazy that long in port.

Wash:  Probably, but I’ve been sane a long while now, and change is good.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Of course, Capt. Buzzkill Reynolds arrives on the cockpit and tells them not to get too comfortable—resupply, look for work, leave.  Mal casually leaves the area as Wash has some difficulty slowing their landing.

 

Inara, meanwhile, is in her quarters looking for a suiting client to meet with on Persephone.  She chooses a young Mr. I’m-Handsome-Therefore-I-Will-Go-To-Heaven-While-All-The-Ugly-People-Go-To-Hell-Because-I-Just-Said-They-Will by the name of Atherton Wing (and thank God, ‘cause I wasn’t about to retype that long one over and over).  He has cordially invited her to be his escort (geddit?) to a gala ball that will be taking the next night.

 

Mal, as he is wont to do, comes into Inara’s shuttle to, presumably, get a good argument in before his breakfast.  He sees a photo of Atherton on her screen.  This one, under a thicker veil of civility than some others, amounts to “Hey, who’s gonna fuck you for money today?”  Inara’s all “Wipe my ass,” to which Mal retorts, “I can’t—your rates for that particular activity are too steep for me.”  Inara mentions the ball—Mal turns his nose up at it, what with the fact that the attire will be formal and he therefore won’t be permitted to wear his brown coat and dusty tan pants.

 

Meanwhile, half the people watching this episode are screaming “WILL YOU TWO JUST FUCK ALREADY???!!!”.  Subtlety is big amongst Firefy flans.

 

And here we’ve arrived in Persephone, a slightly more urban locale than the first time we saw it.  As the crew passes by a dress shop, JEWEL STAITE! window shops a bit, looking at “all the pretties,” as she puts it.  Her eye catches one in particular—a very foofy pink-and-white dress with a wide, large skirt (I’m sorry, I’m not “hip” with 19^th century fashion).  Zoe doesn’t like it very much.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Zoe:  Too much foofaraw.  If I’m gonna wear a dress, I want something with some slink.

Wash:  You want a slinky dress?  I can buy you a slinky dress!  Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?!

Jayne:  I’ll chip in.

Zoe:  I can hurt you.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Kaylee can’t take her eye off the foof, though.  Mal does a particulary blunt job of making Kaylee feel bad, asking her just what the hell she’s gonna do with a “fancy” dress when she spends all her time in a grimy engine room.  Kaylee is immediately depressed and skulks away.  Zoe takes Mal’s sack of whateverthefuck and she and Wash walk away especially pissed.  Jayne, ever the observant, asks if Zoe is mad.

Speaking of cockneys, here’s our friend Badger!  One of his men holds Mal at gunpoint as Badger politely demands a sit-down.  Back at his hideaway, Mal asks just what the—

 

[Dooon’t...]

 

...just why his presence is requeted.

 

[Thankee.]

 

Badget tells them of a man on Persephone in need of some work done—a high-and-mighty muckity-muck by the name of Warrick Harrow, who has some property he needs smuggled off the planet, not to mention a heavy wallet weighing his already-weighey ass down.  Unfortunately, the good Mr. Harrow knows about Badger’s business practices and won’t do business with him, but he figures Mal has a better chance at it.  Mal reminds them of the last time he did a job for Badger—how Badger reneged on their deal.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jayne:  Hurt our feelings.

Mal:  You recall why that took place?

Badger:  Had a problem with your attitude is why.  Felt you was...what’s the word?

Jayne:  ...”Pretentious?”

Badger:  Exactly!  You think you’re better than other people!

Mal:  Just the ones I’m better than.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

So how, Mal asks, does Badger intent on setting up a meet-and-greet if Harrow won’t even deal with him?  Ever resourceful, Badger knows where Harrow’s going to be tomorrow night—a safe place with lots of witnesses and high-tech gun scans that Badger wouldn’t get past if he disguised himself as a cement brick.  With that, he holds up some invitations to the ball that Harrow will be attending...

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Badger:  A-course, ye cudn’t buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle.  I got my hands on a couple.

Mal and Jayne:  ...*schoolgirl giggles*

Badger:  ............Of invites!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

And now, it’s time for the cliché “social event of the season”.  The place looks like a set off of Amadeus, quite frankly.  Atherton and Inara arrive, their noses the required three-feet above their necks.  As she says “hi” to some people, Atherton throws all his tact out the window while complimenting her, saying that all the men in the room wish she was in their bed.  As Inara blushes embarrassed, I throw up in my mouth a little.

 

Back on Serenity, Kaylee is soldering something or other as Mal comes in.  Kaylee is still quite upset at Captain Reynolds, but Mal brushes it off; he has a job for her.

 

Atherton proves that he’s not very much smarter than that virgin from the first episode, as he asks Inara to stay on Persephone with him.  When she tries to shrug it off and say that he’s generous, he notes that “you’re generous” is not a ‘yes’.  She states that it’s not a ‘no’ either.

 

[Well, which one is it?]

 

She’s trying to politely turn him down instead of just saying ‘no’ flat-out.

 

[Well, what’s wrong with saying ‘no’?  Don’t give a not-‘no’!]

 

That would mean she’s saying ‘yes’.

 

[But she’s not saying ‘yes’—she’s giving a not-‘no’.  A not-‘no’ could be either ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’, which in turn is also a not-‘yes’, so that would cause confusion, but theoretically, since giving a not-‘no’ could conceivably give him a not-‘yes’ at the same ti—]

 

ARMAGEDDON.

 

[Sorry!  I’ll—I’ll stop.  Continue.]

 

*sigh*

 

Atherton tells her that she belongs on Persephone with him, not on that “flying piece of go-se,” Serenity.  Inara scolds him for his use of language, but Atherton says what he means and means what he says.  At that very moment, two more party guests arrive:  “Miss Kaywinnit Lee Frye and escort”.  Inara turns to the entrance and sees our Kay[winnit]lee, all smiles in the dress she so very much wanted.  She also sees Kaylee’s escort—a very dapper Capt. Malcolm Reynolds.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Inara:  Oh, go-se.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Mal wonders if his pants look OK.  (By Kaylee’s submission, they make his butt look good; I’m no judge.)  Kaylee is like an eight-year-old going to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time—she’s fascinated by and wants to interact with everything, which makes me want to be there.  Mal’s more concerned with finding his potential client; Kaylee’s job is to make him look respectable.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kaylee:  Yes, sir, Captain Tightpants.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

[You know what I’ve noticed?]

 

Wassat?

 

[Two things:  first of all, if we were skinny...we’d have a great ass.]

 

......’Kay.  What’s the second thing?

 

[I just realized...kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch because it’s got swirls of cinnamon sugar in every bite?]

 

...............Y’don’t say?

 

[If you think about it for a while, it’s obvious.]

 

......I just had to have multiple-personality disorder.  I couldn’t have the ability to multiply large numbers instantaneously.  I couldn’t have the ability to memorize a long sequence of playing cards after only a ten-second glance.  I couldn’t even have the ability to measure my crap in centimeters without having to see it.  Instead, I get this parasite.

 

[Hey, I will have you know, Fat Man, that without me, you’d...............you would.....................]

 

...

[...Yeah, I got nothin’.]

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mal:  OK, help me find our man.  He’s supposed to be older, kinda stocky, wears a red sash crossways.

Kaylee:  Why does he do that?

Mal:  Maybe he won the Miss Persephone Pageant—just help me look.

Kaylee:  Is that him?  *points*

Mal:  ...That’s the buffet table.

Kaylee:  Well, how can we be sure, u-unless we question it?  :D

Mal:  ...Fine—don’t make yourself sick.

Kaylee:  Xie-xie, cap’n!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

And here’s everybody else!  Back on Serenity, we see Simon, Book and Jayne playing a card game, made up for the show by the writer Jane Espenson; they’re evidently betting chores to do on the ship.  River is at the pantry nearby, looking for things.  As the men play their game and talk about Mal and Kaylee at the ball, River is frantically ripping the labels off of some cans of food, clearly seeing something she doesn’t like.  Simon and Book go to stop and console her (Jayne sits at the table and takes a few chore cards).

 

And we are now at the “hot pig sex” portion of this episode of Firefly, as Wash and Zoe are in their bunk, laying in the afterglow and breathing heavily following a nice round of bow-chicka-bow-wow.  Surprisingly, it’s Zoe who’s exhausted instead of her weaker, frailer, pastier counterpart.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Wash:  Don’t fall asleep now.  Sleepiness is a weakness of character.  Ask anyone!

Zoe:  It is not.

Wash:  You are acting captain!  Know what happens if you fall asleep now?

Zoe:  Jayne slits my throat and takes over.  *rolls to her side*

Wash:  That’s right!

Zoe:  And we can’t stop it!

Wash:  Well, I wash my hands of it.  It’s a hopeless case.  I’ll read a nice poem at the funeral, something with imagery.

Zoe:  *giggles*  You could lock the door and keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.

Wash:  Dunno—I’m staring to like this poetry idea now.

Zoe:  Oh.

Wash:  “Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower.  Somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross...*is hit with a pillow*

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

[I fuckin’ love this show.]

 

Back at the ball, Kaylee holds a strawberry and tries to make small talk with some partygoers, first with a young gentleman, then with a group of girls, or as I prefer to them, “snooty-snoot-snootsnoots”.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kaylee:  Don’t you just love this party?  *laughs*  Everything’s so fancy and there’s some kind of hot cheese over there.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

There are no words to describe how adorable this is, folks.

 

As the head of the group of Snooties insults her dress, an overhearing nobleman comes by and puts her in her place.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Nobleman:  Why, Banning Miller.  What a vision you are in your fine dress!  Must’ve taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into that getup.  ‘Course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy’s wink to get you out of it again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

All right, y’all know what’s comin’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Snooties storm off.  The nobleman asks for Kaylee’s forgiveness due to his rudeness, but he simply cannot stand useless people.

 

Meanwhile, Mal finds the man he’s looking for.  Initially, Sir Harrow (the sash represents lordhood, apparently) is hesitant and denying that he needs help, but Mal convinces him otherwise.  They trade their opinions on Badger (agreeing that he is by-and-large a douche) as who should stroll by but Atherton and Inara.  They all exchange pleasantries (some less comfortable than others), then Mal, noticing the tight grip that Atherton has on Inara’s arm, asks to dance with her next.  They have yet another argument (just fuck already) as they dance.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Inara:  You have no call trying to make me ashamed of my job.  What I do is legal.  And how’s that smuggling coming?

Mal:  My work’s illegal, but at least it’s honest.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Mal brings to her attention Atherton’s obviously dickish nature—he’s showing Inara off as if she belongs to him, and she’s just going along with it because it’s her job.  She tells Mal that Atherton made her an offer to stay with him on Persephone permanently, but it’s clearly an empty attempt to make Mal jealous.

 

Meanwhile, we see that Kaylee has found her place with a number of men, fascinating them with her knowledge of ship engines and machinery.

 

Atherton is watching Mal and Inara, and he’s not liking the fact that they’re actually starting to have fun with the dancing.  He violently comes by and yanks Inara away from him, which Mal (and pretty much everyone else) finds quite rude.  Mal also doesn’t take kindly to the fact that Atherton refers to Inara as “his”, as in his property.  Atherton states that, since money is involved, that makes Inara his property for the night.  Mal, just like anyone should, punches the spit out of Atherton’s mouth.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Atherton:  *gets up*  I accept.

Mal:  That’s great!  What?

Nobleman:  There has been a challenge.

Atherton:  I hope you’re prepared, Captain.

Mal:  What, you all talkin’ about a fight?  Well, that’s fine, let’s get out of here!

Inara:  It’s not a fistfight, Mal.

Nobleman:  The duel will be met tomorrow morning at Kaytree Pond.

Mal:  Well, why wait?  Where’s that guard?  He collected a whole mess of pistols.

Nobleman:  If you require it, any gentleman here can give you the use of a sword.

Mal:  Use of a swhat?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

A few seconds later, Mal asks Harrow about the fact that swords?  What?  Swords?  ...What?  Harrow says that Mal will be put in lodgings overnight so that he doesn’t run.  He tells Mal that Atherton is, like, the Link of Persephone, what with the lives of a dozen men that he’s exterminated with the sword.  Harrow offers to be Mal’s second in case Mal refuses to fight—punching Atherton Wing in the face seems to make him feel somewhat endeared to Mal.  Atherton calls for Inara, who must go with him.  Kaylee says that, until the whole punching thing, she had a nice time.

 

Back on Serenity, Jayne is working out when he hears a knock at the door—well, hi, Badger.  He tells everyone about what went down at the party—

 

[Well, hold on, how does HE know what happened there?]

 

...I don’t know...magic?

 

[...OK, magic.]

 

Simon thinks that, since Mal loves to fight, he knows how to use a sword.  Zoe’s not so confident.  So Simon concludes that they need to get him out of there.  Badger concludes not.  See, he still does business with a number of people in the know, and duels are an important part of Persephonic culture.  If word got out that he brought smugglers in, one of them got into a duel, and he helped that person escape, it would damage his street cred, wurd?  So, he’s basically there to make sure they don’t go anywhere.  Jayne points his shotgun at Badger from up high.  Zoe directs his attention to the door, where a number of Badger’s men have a perturbed Kaylee.  Well, balls.

 

That night, Inara visits Mal in his lodging, who’s doing a less-than-bad job in training himself in the reputable art of swordplay.  Atherton’s a heavy sleeper before a big swordfight—apparently, he has a haircut scheduled after he quite literally rips Mal a new asshole.  Mal asks her why she’s staying with Atherton.  Her response is, basically, “I can fight my own battles, so even though I don’t like Atherton, I’m staying with him to spite you.”  Still, she’s not interested in seeing her landlord dead (not many people who’d say that), so she was able to bribe the desk clerk into letting them out the back door.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mal:  Whoa, no, I’m not runnin’ off.  And I don’t know what you got in your head, but I didn’t do this to prove some kind of point to you—I actually thought I was defending your honor and I never back down from a fight.

Inara:  *laughs*  Yes, you do!  You do all the time!

Mal:  Well...yeah, but I’m not backin’ down from this one.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Inara begs him to reconsider, but Mal won’t budge.  In fact, he asks for Inara’s help; he figures she got some sword skills taught to her during her Companion training.

 

Back on Serenity, Badger’s guys are keeping close watch on the crew.  As Wash tries to just rest his head and Book tries to read his Bible and pray, everyone else sans River are playing cards.  Kaylee says that all they have to do is wait for Mal to win the duel.  Of course, Jayne suggests, “what if he don’t win?”  Zoe says that a Plan B is in order.  Simon suggests the element of surprise, but Zoe says it’ll probably be better if they lure one or two of them away from the bridge, then ambush the Badge before he knows what hit him.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jayne:  What we need’s a diversion.  I say Zoe gets nekkid.

Wash:  No.

Jayne:  I could get nekkid.

Wash and Zoe:  NO!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Here comes River doing her “touching everything, fascinated by everything, seeing everything happening five or ten seconds before it actually happens” thing.   Simon tries to quietly get her back out to their room, but Badger hears her scuffle.  He gets suspicious.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Badger:  Whyn’t she talkin’?  Sh’got a secrit?

Simon:  No, I’m—

River:  *perfect Cockney accent*  Sure.  I got a secrit.  More’n one.  Don’t seem like that I tell ‘em t’you now, do it?  Any’n off Titan colony knows bet-ah then t’talk t’strangers.  *touches Badger’s coat*  You’re talkin’ loud’nough for th’both uv us, though, aincha?  V’met a dozen like you.  Skipped off-‘ome early, minor graft jobs ‘ere’n’there.  Spent sum time in th’lockdown, but less than y’claim.  ‘N yer what?  A petty thief with delusional standing?  Sad lit’l king uv a sad lit’l hill.

Badger:  *nervous ([and a little turned on, as am I])*  Nice t’see sumone from the old homestead.

River:  Not really.  *to Simon, in normal voice*  Call me if anyone interesting shows up.  *leaves*

Badger:  ...I like ‘er.

Jayne:  That there?  Exactly the kind of diversion we could’ve used.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Inara is teaching Mal how to swordfight.  And guess what, he still sucks.  He’s swinging from the shoulder for strength when he should be using much less force.  Hell, if we can cry like babies when paper slices our flesh, imagine how a little poke with a sword feels.  Mal then has the balls to ask if they taught Inara these things in “the whore academy”.  Inara points out the glaring hypocrisy.  Mal defends himself—he has no respect for Inara’s profession; Atherton has no respect for Inara.  Besides, this duel wasn’t his idea; it’s the ideals of Inara’s society that brought it on.

 

[True.]

 

Inara points out that Mal’s ideals get him hatred from virtually everyone on every planet, from lawmen to criminals.

 

[Also true.]

 

Then, seemingly blurting it out, Mal begs Inara not to take Atherton’s offer, which shocks the hell out of her.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mal:  Don’t take his offer.

Inara:  What?

Mal:  Don’t do it.  Just in the case that it happens, that means that he’s the fella who killed me and I don’t like fellas who kill me, not in general.  I said before that I didn’t have call to stop you, and that’s true.  Anyways, don’t.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

And we’ve arrived at the next morning.

 

[I feel like humming the theme song for Monday Night Football right now.]

 

The Atherton Wings are confident.  The Mal Reynolds are shitting bricks.  Big, weighty cement bricks commonly used to encase the feet of mob enemies before they’re thrown into a river in New York City or something, I don’t know, I never saw Godfather.

 

They throw down without a word.  Atherton goes for a quick parry, but Mal quickly backs off.  Mal holds his own, but Atherton’s grin (a milky brown from all the shit he was eating) is wide.  After another round, Mal gets the upper hand, or so he thinks; Inara and Harrow can easily tell that Atherton’s just toying with him.  Soon enough, Mal’s arm has a cut, followed shortly by a gash to the side of his ribs.

 

Eventually, the end is not near—the end is here.  Mal is brought to his knees, his sword broken at the hilt, the tip of Atherton’s sword poking and searching for his heart.

 

[You big fuckin’ poet, you.]

 

Inara speaks up and offers her exclusivity to him in exchange for Mal’s life.  Of course, Atherton the Blithering Imbecile turns his head to face her, which allows Mal to knock his sword away and flat-out punch Atherton in the face.  He picks up the remains of his sword and gives his foe’s face a good slice before clobbering him with the handle, knocking Atherton to his back.  Mal picks up Atherton’s sword.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Harrow:  He’s down.  You have to finish it, lad.

*Mal does nothing.*

Harrow:  You have to finish it.  For a man to lay beaten and yet breathing...it makes him a coward.

Inara:  *in realization*  It’s humiliation.

Mal:  Sure.  It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood.  Mercy is the mark of a great man.  ...*pokes Atherton with the sword*  Guess I’m just a good man.  ...*poke*  Well, I’m all right.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

He drops the sword, and Inara helps him walk away.  Atherton calls for her; Sir Harrow tries to tell him to stop, to no avail.  He verbally degrades her, telling her that he should have beat her so bad that no one will ever want her again, which is about the last thing you want to say to any woman, much less a woman with the kind of power Inara has.  Namely, she officially Blackmarks him—he will never again know the touch of a Companion.  Harrow wishes him the best of luck in attracting women with his personality before going to help Inara walk Mal away.  He accepts Mal’s previous business proposition before walking away.

 

Just as the crew is about to mutiny against Badger, Mal and Inara show up.  Missed it by thatmuch!  Mal confirms the deal, then tells Badger to get the fucking hell—

 

[GODDAMN YOU, FAT MAN!!!]

 

—off his ship.  That night, as Kaylee goes to her quarters to admire the obscenely, obesely expensive ([Jeritron 5000?]) dress that she’ll never wear again—

 

[Jeritron 6000?]

 

—Mal and Inara are sitting on the scaffold over looking the bridge drinking wine fermented by Kaylee.  It’s...well, it is.  Inara asks if Mal is still feeling pain.  Mal’s all, “Well, fucking duh.”

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mal:  I got stabbed, y’know—*points to ribs*—right here.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Mal states his general distaste for parties that are fancy with a side order of schmancy.  Inara states that there is a positive out of all of this.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mal:  *points*  I got STABBED, RIGHT HERE.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

She points out the exciting line of crime he has picked up.  Mal notes aloud that this cargo will have quite a number of people chasing after them.  Inara gives Mal a half-hearted thanks for standing up for her honor.  As she fails to think of one good reason to leave Serenity, we zoom out to see Serenity’s new precious cargo—lots and lots of cattle.

 

Credits roll.

 

[...Jeritron 6000 in HD?]

 

Let it go, Fat Man.

 

[HEY!!!]