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Direct-to-DVDiablo: Honey, We
Shrunk Ourselves
This may come as a shock, but when I was a child, I was a
moron.
It’s strange—I was born a fucking genius. Learned to talk
when I was about four months old, walking straight lines before my first
birthday, I was reciting the alphabet backwards by the time I was two.
And it was pretty much downhill from there.
The proof, besides being in the doll-slash-pudding, was in
my taste of movies. If it was a cartoon or geared toward kids, I pretty much
wanted it. It got so bad, I actually own Batman & Robin. For fun.
Because when I was about eleven or so, I would watch it. For fun. More than
once. Because I was too stupid to know a bad movie when I was watching one.
Thankfully, I know a little better now. The problem is,
“maturity” and “knowledge” aren’t necessarily the same thing. After all,
Good Burger is among my top five favorite movies ever. (By the way, I’m
calling dibs on reviewing that. I’ll probably just throw it into the blog
sometime.) Hell, I’ve never even see The Godfather or any of the Star
Wars movies! I’m quite the sheltered being.
“So, fat man,” you’re probably saying. “Why the fuck are
you here? Why are YOU a featured writer on a site that’s dominated by film fans
while I’m sitting here all not-featured?”
My response is the following: First, shut your face.
Second, because while I might not be very knowledgeable about movies you may see
at the theater, we can all agree on one thing: movies that skipped the theater
entirely and went straight to home video, for the most part, suck.
There are a few exceptions to this rule. Doug’s 1st
Movie, for example, was supposed to be straight-to-video, but was put in
theaters at the last minute because The Rugrats Movie was so popular (it
was still kinda bad, though). The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride is nothing
short of a direct-to-video miracle (and it’s on my docket). But for every
Lion King II, there are eleventy bajillion Dennis the Menace Strikes
Agains. However, you hardly ever see these movies reviewed. Sure, the
Agony Booth gets to them every now and again, but they’re largely ignored.
Mostly because they deserve to be. (If someone could send me that crappy 1970’s
Lord of the Rings, I’ll think about doing it before throwing it away.
Y’know, as a courtesy.)
And so it begins with the movie that, for some reason, I
relate exactly to “straight to video”: Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves.
Way back on June 23, 1989, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
was released in theaters and was a success due to its abundance of
green-screening and prop usage. Looking back, it wasn’t a great movie by any
stretch of the imagination; hell, it probably wasn’t even a good movie for
several reasons, not the least of which being the factual errors.
For instance, in I Shrunk the Kids, an ant and a
scorpion are portrayed as having a minimal size difference (the scorpion is only
slightly larger than the ant). Even if the scorpion was a baby, this is
impossible. The scorpion wouldn’t need its stinger to kill the ant, as all it’d
really have to do is give the ant’s head a good snap of the claw and it’d be
decapitated. That’ll teach the little fucking picnic raiders.
Oh, and also (and perhaps less-cared-about), according to
Wayne Szalinski (the protagonist of the series), the shrink ray works by
reducing the empty space in matter (sort of like sucking the water out of a
sponge, only replace water with air). That’s all fine and dandy, but the fact
of the matter is, if that happened, them the size and weight of the object in
question would be the same regardless of the reduced size. Now, I’m no
scientist or anything, but I think that’d sort of make it impossible for the
kids to, say, ride an ant across the lawn without squashing it, or being able to
sleep in a Lego overnight without the bastards sinking into the ground.
Don’t get me wrong here—I’m not calling a complete foul on
Disney for getting this stuff wrong. They’re not exactly known for realism.
I’m just saying, now that I’m 19 years older and (sorta-kinda-maybe) wiser, it’s
pretty glaring.
Anyway, since it was a hit with kids, it obviously spawned
a sequel, and like most sequels to hit movies, it sucked balls. Honey, I
Blew Up the Kid came out in theaters on July 17, 1992, and was more-or-less
a bomb. Their new toddler was hit with an antishrink ray and started to
uncontrollably grow (over 100 feet), and the end result is this tiny
two-year-old child standing over the ruins of Las Vegas like Godzilla at a photo
shoot or something. I’d still hate this movie, but it gave us the feature debut
of Keri Russell, so I’ll forgive it just this once.
So that brings us to the cream of the crap. I Blew Up
the Kid actually made it to theaters, so you can imagine how much shit fills
this chapter. And since I used to watch this movie as a kid, I’m already hating
it.
On with the show.
We begin, as with most videocassettes, with previews. In
this instance, Disney shills a 101 Dalmations CD-ROM game (remember
those?) and an animated movie based on the Mighty Ducks cartoon wherein
the Mighty Ducks are actual mighty ducks. Who play hockey. And fight crime.
Well, of course.
Now another 101 Dalmations shill, this time of the
live-action movie. Remember House before he was House? Dude did 101
Dalmations, Stuart Little...after watching videos on YouTube
recently, I think he’d make a great George Carlin.
Won’t these ever end? Now a preview for another
direct-to-video movie, The Neverending Story III, featuring Jack Black
leading a gang called—seriously—“The Nasties”. I wish I had video capture to
show you how stupid this is.
Old Gnome Woman: Your body’s gone!
Old Gnome Man: Well, your body went years ago!
...Yeah.
Fuck, are we ever gonna get to the movie??!! A 1995
animated movie, The Thief and the Cobbler, which looks like a blatant
Aladdin ripoff. Truth be told, it’s GOTTA be.
Now, we FINALLY get to “Our Feature Presentation”. Oh...yay.
We immediately start with stupidity, as the mailman
gleefully put mail in the Szalinskis’ mailbox without having to leave his van.
Lazy bastard. A few switches later and the mail is sucked under the lawn and
into the house. Inside the house, Diane Szalinski (played by Eve Gordon,
mistress of guest appearances and crappy movies [which reminds me, it’s a shame
I won’t be able to review I’ll Be Home For Christmas in the Palace]) is
mooning over the two-day vacation she and her sister will be going on.
Her son, Adam, bugs her about peanut butter. Heh...get
it? He BUGS her abou--...’c-cause he’s played by Bug Hall. I’m so witty. You
agree.
Yeah, Bug Hall is in this movie. For the longest time, I
just thought he was best noted for being The Child With The Worst Parents Ever.
As it turns out, it was just a nickname (his real name is Brandon), and thank
Whatever God Is Up There, ‘cause...seriously. That would have been up there
with Moon Unit Zappa.
Anyway, she tells him that their lack of peanut butter
isn’t her problem, and that his father “is in charge of household legumes”.
Outside, Wayne Szalinski (played, as almost-always, by retired actor Rick
Moranis) is attempting to speak to Smithsonian representatives, but is having a
hard time getting reception on his solar-powered telephone helmet.
OK, while I do admit that the thing looks goofy, you have
to give him points. I mean, this movie was released over 11 years ago and we
still don’t have one of those. Hell, the last solar-powered machine I ever used
was a solar-powered calculator back in 1995. Of course, as long as America’s
money is going to determining the world’s most perfect sandwich, I guess those
kinds of projects will just have to stick by the wayside.
After using the opportunity to remind everyone that kids
today shouldn’t know what a record player is (and fuck you if you don’t), they
go inside to resolve their peanut butter crisis. While Wayne looks around the
pantry, Bug (fuck you, I’m calling him Bug) complains that he wants to go to
baseball camp this year instead of the science camp his father’s forced him to
go to. Wayne finds peanuts and sticks them in the coffee grinder (more points
for ingenuity). Bug argues that his friends are going to baseball camp, and
that it’s the 19fucking90s and no 11-year-old in his right goddamned mind wants
to go to a science camp. Wayne counters by saying that “baseball’s just a
trend; it’ll pass. But science is always fun!” I’ll be taking those points
back now, psycho.
One bowl of decaf peanut butter later and Wayne gets ready
to go to work. He says good-bye to the massive ass pile of shit in his living
room (a seven-foot Tiki Man, not his wife). She comes down and nags about the
Big Fuckin’ Thing, and orders him to get rid of it while she’s out on vacation.
Back in the kitchen, Bug complains about science camp again, but rejects mom’s
one alternative suggestion: Shakespeare Camp. I don’t know if that’s better or
worse. And we also establish Diane’s arachnophobia. Apparently, she’s the only
one in the movie who hates spiders, as Bug (and later her sister) inform her
that daddy long-legs’ (like the one she’s about to kill) are harmless to humans.
Then again, I’m arachnophobic, so I say “fuck it” and let
her at the little prick.
A car crash outside (!) informs them that Diane’s sister
Patty (played by Robin Bartlett, famous for...well, nothing, really) has arrived
to take Bug to school. She’s seen putting a wooden block behind her front tire
because her brakes are shot, but that has nothing to do with anything that’ll
happen later, no sirree Bob. She and Diane get to talking, and it’s like a
plank of wood and a blob of Jell-O decided to get together and attempt to act.
Look, I’m sure they’re wonderful actresses and everything, but that’s a
lie—they’re really not.
In the car, Bug and his two cousins, Jenny (played by
Allison Mack, currently Chloe on Smallville) and Mitch (played by Jake
Richardson, currently Jake at your local Burger King drive-thru) get into
talking about spaghetti coming out of noses (yeah) and it’s a great foil into
bringing up Mitch’s potassium deficiency, which has nothing to do with anything
that’ll happen later, no sirree Bob, we swears it won’t.
Meanwhile, at Szalinski Labs (three guesses as to who runs
it), Wayne is butchering a slideshow presentation. I honestly couldn’t say if
that was in the script or not. One person claps at it. Of course, since it
sucked more than a crack-riddled Lindsey Lohan at ComiCon, the person clapping
is his brother, Gordon (played by Stuart Pankin, who I was surprised to discover
provided the voice of Earl on Dinosaurs). He points the audience out
before they lecture Wayne to death.
Afterward, after something that actually WON’T matter
later, Wayne’s secretary informs them that there are two tickets left to see a
space shuttle land. When Wayne calls to get the OK from his wife (*coughwhippedcough*),
she goes to answer, but can’t find the handset. She relents to using the
GeekPhone, but not before he gets the machine. She reminds him of her vacation
and angrily hangs up. God, this actress sucks. If I took a crap for every time
she sucked, my bowels would be as barren as the Sahara. She sucks that much.
The next morning, as the moms are about to leave, Jenny
asks if she can have friends over, and is immediately shot down for absolutely
no good reason. Back in the house, Wayne pulls out the marshmallows and
gumdrops and gets the kids excited, ‘cause BY GOD, THEY’RE GONNA MAKE MODELS OF
WATER MOLECULES!!! THE EXUBERANCE!!!!
But wait! Wayne forgot to get toothpicks!
...He forgot to g—HE FORGOT TO GET TOOTHPICKS!!! Oh,
no!!! NO!!! WE HAVE NO TOOTHPICKS!!! IT’S THE APOCALYPSE!!! RUN!!! SAVE
YOURSELVES!!! FUCK THE CHILDREN, JUST GET THE HELL OUT!!!
...Wait...what? He forgot them on purpose? But...but
why? Why would you do such a horrible thing, Wayne Szalinski? You can go
straight to Hell, sir. Straight. To. Hell.
......Oh, you just wanted to get them out of the house so
you could get the Tiki Man upstairs to shrink him so you wouldn’t have to get
rid of him and your horrible actress of a wife wouldn’t notice? OK, then.
We’re good. Gordon’s got serious reservations about starting the shrink machine
up again, since no less than the FDA has ordered him not to use it. But what
can I say? Wayne’s a bitchin’ rebel.
Meanwhile, on the road, as Patty is digging through her
purse for a Neil Diamond cassette, she notices Mitch’s potassium medicine.
They’re forced to backtrack.
Wayne fires up the machine and tells Gordon to watch the
screen and let him know when it reaches “critical mass”. When it does, Wayne
will hit a big fat red button. The machine reaches 100%, and Gordon proudly
announces, “We have critical mess.”
...What? That’s what he says.
Anyway, Wayne shrinks the Tiki Man; he and Gordon grab
magnifying glasses to find it on the floor. They hear the machine starting to
recharge, but Wayne’s not worried since there’s no one to hit the button. Oh,
you silly, silly man. The unstable wires shake an upper shelf, where billiard
balls precariously start to roll. As they find the Tiki Man and celebrate, the
ball is knocked loose and conveniently rolls down a track of pipes right onto
the button. The men think they Tiki Man has regrown, but quickly realize
that—*GASP!*—they’ve shrunk themselves! DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING, DIDYA???!!!
Oh, but guess what? It’s getting even zanier, as the moms
return. They leave Mitch’s meds on the kitchen counter, but hear sounds coming
from upstairs as they’re about to leave. Once they reach the attic, Gordon
stops attempting to kill Wayne long enough for the two to start running from
their wives’ giant tootsies. Of course, they happen to stand right on the
conveniently-labeled panel where the Tiki Man stood/stands. Even though the
machine is smoking and making sounds that practically scream “HEY! I’M ON! MOVE
THE FRICK OUTTA THE WAY!”, Diane denies it. Of course, what happens? Another
conveniently-placed billiard ball is shaken loose and falls on the button.
The husbands meet up with their shrunken spouses.
Diane: Wayne? Are we shrunk?
Wayne: I’m not gonna lie to you—yes, we are.
Diane: *faint*
YES! She’s unconscious! ...Aw, crap, she revives. And
she notices the Tiki Man, which means this was all for nothing. If Wayne had
just sold the ruttin’ thing, this shit never would have happened, and I wouldn’t
have to watch this crap. Gordon and Wayne agree that an attic floor isn’t the
safest place to be, what with the cockroaches that, according to Diane, are now
“the size of sofas”. No, you dumb bitch, they’re actually still the size of
cockroaches. Read a book.
They climb up a wicker chair to the windowsill (Gordon is
first, which I must, as a fellow fat man, praise), but they first must cross a
wicker stick conveniently jutting out of the top of the chair. Once they reach
the window, they notice the women’s station wagon and realize that the kids will
eventually see it and put two and two together. All fine in theory until the
brakes give out and the car rolls across the street and conveniently
stops in another driveway, looking inconspicuous.
Unfortunately for logic, the kids are seen entering the
shot RIGHT AT THAT DAMN SECOND, so you’d think they’d notice not only that the
car looks like theirs, but that it rolled from their driveway across the whole
damn street. Speaking of the kids, they’re the worse rollerbladers ever.
They’re not even rolling. Mitch is pretty much tripping over himself, and the
other two are more-or-less walking. You’d think they’d know that, on
rollerblades, you ROLL!
Back inside, the kids notice A) Wayne’s left message on the
answering machine about the space shuttle, and B) $40 that has been put up on
the bulletin board for pizza (Diane left it just before she went to answer that
phone call). They conclude that Wayne and Gordon have left them alone. Party
times!!
Back in the attic, the parents conclude that, since the
kids will never look for them, they’ve gotta get to the kids. The fastest way
is straight down from the attic window to the window in Bug’s bedroom. Wayne
tries to brainstorm, failing to notice (unlike the others) the big honkin’
fishing reel less than a foot away from him. As the kids make root beer floats
and plot to pretty-much destroy the house, the Ghost of Fishermans’ Past or some
shit reels them down the line. Seriously, how in the fuck are they doing that?
First of all, fishing reels don’t just unreel automatically. Second of all, how
is the wheel staying in the exact same spot while the line is moving?
Convention says that it’d roll out the window and the parents would be long
dead. Which at this point would be welcome, ‘cause I really don’t care about
these pricks at this point.
Anyway, the reel suddenly goes from slow and steady to
“Jesus-Christ-My-Ass-Is-Two-Blocks-Back” fast, and some really bad camera work
takes them down to Bug’s windowsill which, again, is impossible, since they
landed right on the center of the sill; if they were dropping straight down from
the edge of the attic sill, they would have either kept going down to the
ground, or they would have had to jump to Bug’s sill. Fuckin’ Disney...
They walk on top of Bug’s chest of drawers and Wayne starts
to strategize on living tiny for the rest of their lives. Gordon’ll have none
of it and, even though the kids won’t pay attention to them when they’re
regular-sized, theorizes that if they can amplify their voices, the kids will
help them. Wayne concludes that they need to get down to the living room and
somehow rewire them so that they’ll act as oversized microphones. Call me
kooky, but I somehow doubt it works that way. I could be wrong, though; I’m no
engineer.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the kids are doing wacky
1990’s-style messy antics. In this instance, they’re filling balloons full of
chili. I’ll say that again, just in case you blacked out or something.
THEY’RE FILLING BALLOONS FULL OF FUCKING CHILI.
As they put the balloon in the microwave, Jenny says that
her friends are arriving for a sleepover. Mitch says that their mom will kill
her, but Jenny reminds the boys of their little promise. They get really
pissed when she takes all $40 of their pizza money to go shopping. Fuckin’
girls...
The parents try to find a way down, and they do in the form
of a Hot Wheels shark cruiser and a big Hot Wheels track leading from the top of
the Hot Wheels chest of drawers to the Hot Wheels hallway. For no discernible
reason, we see Bug come in and sing that nasty song that kids were always
singing in the mid-90’s. Y’know:
Great green gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat, dirty little birdy feet
French-fried eyeballs swimming in a pool of blood
And it goes on. Disgusting shit. Isn’t it amazing the
things we loved when we were kids?
Diane motivates everyone to get into the shark cruiser so
they can wiggle off the edge and die. OK, she doesn’t think they’ll die, but
still, would YOU get into a plastic car and ride on a plastic track with a 360º
loop? If so, the X Games are thataway. Enjoy Hell, you fucking moron.
Anyway, they’re able to survive two loops, but they fly off
the track at a jump and roll into the laundry chute...wait a second...who has a
laundry chute on the FLOOR? Better question: who has a laundry chute!? And
why would any dipthong keep a laundry chute uncovered when they’re playing with
Hot Wheels? I’m telling ya, for a genius, Wayne Szalinski raised one big fat
‘tard.
The two boys have made hot dog people (seriously) and
placed them at the base of a toy volcano that Bug took from his room. Inside
the volcano, sticking out of the top, is the chili balloon.
Mitch: Uh, the hot dog people have a question.
They want to know why they’re sitting at the base of a volcano.
Bug: Just tell ‘em it’s for flavor.
Mitch: *to the hot dog people* It’s for flavor.
OK, so my Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves hit list is
now:
1) Diane Szalinski, for being a horrid actress.
2) Mitch Szalinski, for talking to hot dogs.
I’d query on whether or not it’s wrong to wish death upon
an eleven-year-old boy with no dramatic personality, but it’s my Palace, so fuck
it. It’s fine.
OK, so after we see the hand of a crew member putting the
balloon back in the volcano, Bug pops it and chili pours out like it’s got
diarrhea. I’m sure the Angry Video Game Nerd loves this part. Their
cannibalistic feast is interrupted by a ticker on the wall (YEAH) that tells the
boys to get the laundry. Bug goes down and conveniently (I should have told you
to get used to that word; get used to that word) grabs the laundry basket that
his mom, dad, aunt and uncle are in.
He takes it upstairs, allows Mitch to grab one side, and
the boys decide that now is the best possible time for a
“Wouldn’t-It-Be-Awesome-If-We-Were-Alone-Forever?” exposition. They complain
about parents, like we expected, then they talk about Mitch’s disease, mostly
just to kill time and to also note that he never noticed the medicine on the
kitchen counter. Hey, if he doesn’t take it and he dies, I’m all for it.
Bug drops his end of the basket, which causes the parents
(and most of the dirty clothes, you lazy fuck) to tumble to the ground. As
Patty complains that they’re right back where they started, Bug preps to show
Mitch an ultra-super-duper secret magazine. They get it out and welcome, one
and all, to the First-Annual Walt Disney Pictures’ Preteen Circle Jerk! Now,
before we begin, Chris Hansen would like you to all have a seat over there...
As Wayne and Diane apologize profusely to Gordon and Patty,
Jenny returns with her groceries, notices the volcanic mess in the kitchen, and
yells to the two pervs that they have to clean it up before the party, which
infuriates Patty. In Jenny’s defense, you’re the size of a bottle cap, so fuck
you.
Mitch: Come on. We’d better get down there before
Queen Hell Jenny gets really mad.
...
OK, time.
The script is annoying enough with the wooden actresses and
the fishing reels that defy the laws of conventional physics...but do we really
need instances swear words are randomly placed in the middle of a sentence? How
would it sound if I said, “This movie is horrible, and I ass wish I never saw
it.”? See? It makes no sense. Were any of the three writers of this movie
actually thinking when they put pen to paper to shit out this abomination? For
the love of God, one of the writers was Joel Hodgson of Mystery Science
Theater 3000 fame!!! I’ve heard of phoning it in, but it’s like they just
said “fuck it”. They would have truly made a better movie if they’d just typed
with their ass cheeks.
Untime.
Bug throws down the magazine before leaving, and Wayne
looks at it and reveals the horrible truth...
...It’s a goddamned motherfucking Sports Illustrated for
Kids magazine.
Time.
SERIOUSLY???!!! You’ve already established that
11-year-olds swear, you’ve established that they can go out and blow food money
on groceries on a party they’re not supposed to have, so why didn’t you just
make it a fucking Penthouse and get it the shitfuck over with?!?! It’s a
straight-to-video release, for shit’s sake; who’s gonna care?!
Untime. I have one time-out remaining.
While the boys are cleaning up, the doorbell rings. They
stop and go to answer it while Jenny unintentionally knocks the meds out of
sight. An annoying 90’s teenager is at the door, and she comes bearing dip,
music, and a deus ex machina bubble machine. We get a party-prepping
montage, of all things. I’ll reserve my time-out. The montage also reveals
that they put the bubble machine upstairs, behind the railing over the terrace.
This, unfortunately, is important later. When the montage is done, Jenny tells
Bug and Fuckface that they’ll be serving ginger ale, but they refuse, that is
until Mila Kunis walks in.
...No, seriously. Mila Kunis is in this movie. And get
this—Bug FINALLY gets a boner and decides to play along just to get near her.
At least he’s got good taste. Of course, he’s only doing it because she’s a
softball star, but I’ll ignore it because, well, at least he’s swooning over a
girl now.
Upstairs, Wayne find a broken pin tip and suddenly decides
to philosophize about his life. Evidently, he’s working too darn hard, and he
needs to stop and relax and notice things and find his guru or some shit like
that. And he decides that the first thing he’s gonna notice is “the perfect
cylindrical quality of this roach turd”.
...*angry shake**STOPS*......No time-out.
The other parents are worried, but Wayne notes that it’s
dry, and thus the roach hasn’t been around in a while. He sees a chain of bug
poo, and obviously (‘cause who wouldn’t?) decides to pick at them all. He stops
dead in his tracks when he breaks “a wet one”. And since cockroaches stick
around their crap after they’re done, it conveniently shows up right at that
very moment to scare the fuck out of them. The old-timers smartly decide to get
outta Dodge, and they hide into a nearby (and conveniently-placed) roach motel.
Wayne, remembering that he’s seen the inside of a bug trap, notes to stay to the
right, where there’s a clear path. The roach follows them in and trying to get
a chunk out of Diane, who’s stuck in the death goop (GO ROACH-MAN!), but Wayne
pulls her out, and the roach falls to his chemically-induced death. The parents
just leave the contraption and laugh.
Downstairs, in about 10 seconds, the girls conveniently
talk about everything there is to know about our next plot foil, a teen boy
named Ricky King. Jenny, truth-or-dared about her alleged “love” for the boy,
takes ‘Dare’. She’s told to call him up and tell him he’s cute, and could
someone PLEASE inform me on whether or not this has actually happened at a real
slumber party anywhere in America EVER??? No one ever randomly called me
up and told me that I’m cute.
...Of course, I’m butt-ass ugly.
But that’s neither here nor there!
She does it to the giggles and annoying shrills of the
girls while the boys bring in ginger ale in champagne. Of course, in his
attempt to impress Mila Kunis, he stylishly knocks all the glasses on the
platter. Embarrassed (as he should be), he excuses himself. Mitch tells him
that he has to go upstairs for a second, and the parents watch him as he
stumbles up the stairs, clutching his stomach and moaning like he’s just been
given a poison cocktail. Patty reveals that he needs potassium or he’ll pass
out as Mitch regains his composure and heads back downstairs. They decide that
the only way is to get to the kitchen and get the kids’ attention toward the
pills. For the love of God, just ignore him. I’m sure he’ll be fiiiine.
But no, they’re gonna try and save his life. Why don’t you
yoink a sandwich from a hungry child while you’re at it? They see the bubble
machine; the plan is to jump into bubbles in teams of two, and the wives will
head for the meds while the husbands make a mad dash for the stereo, even though
they have no conventional means of hotwiring it like they planned. Before they
leave each other, Wayne and Diane share the most unmotivated on-screen
“This-Is-Supposed-To-Be-Heartwarming” kiss I’ve ever seen. I mean, I’ve never
kissed before, but I could be more romantic with one of my cats, and they hate
my guts.
On the way down their bubble (complete with
“What-An-Amazing-Fucking-Journey-This-Is” background music), the ladies note
that, while she wasn’t supposed to have a party, at least Jenny didn’t invite
any boys. They land on the ground safely (fuck) and now it’s the men’s turn.
As they’re floating down, Jenny brushes them toward the vent as she’s walking to
the thermostat. She turns on the air conditioning, which shoots the men up
toward a very pointy and very conveniently-placed chandelier. The bubble pops
and the men start falling to their deaths (YAY!), but Bug conveniently
arrives and holds a bowl of chip dip up right under the men. They fall
into the vegetable product (NO!) and devote their lives to it. Suddenly, every
girl at the party decides to eat every fucking chip in the world, with as much
onion dip as possible scooped onto it. The men swim for their lives, but are
saved when Mila Kunis scoops out too much, dropping them onto the table.
Jenny: Jill! You’re making a mess!
Mila Kunis: Well, this stuff is really good!
What’s in it?
Wayne: The Szalinski Brothers.
...GggggrrrrrrRRRR!!!!
As the moms wonder how in the fucking hell (not their
actual words) they’re gonna get up the counter, the dads clean themselves with
napkin shards and ice cubes and watch as Fuckface is dared to do a monkey
impression. Wayne waxes about how he was a complete loser when he was 11, and
how he only met his wife ‘cause he crashed into her car. You’re probably
wondering why he’s explaining it to his brother, who not only is standing right
the fuck beside him, but should also probably know all this because they’re
fucking BROTHERS. Your guess is as good as mine. Of course, I say that Wayne’s
just plain fuckin’ stupid. So that’s your guess.
They slide down a spiral table fixture and have some
semblance of fun (which I hate because, at this point, I pretty much want
everyone in this movie dead, save for Mila Kunis ‘cause she ends up hot). The
doorbell rings and who should be there for Ricky King who has CONVENIENTLY comes
by with his friends (the token 90’s black kid with a basketball shirt and the
token 90’s white surfer boy with the “Dude-My-Shit-Totally-Doesn’t-Stink-Brah”
haircut) to crash the party. They immediately begin to raid Wayne’s stereo
collection, but Gordon’s more concerned about his daughter. Being an older
brother with no father figure in the house, I concur with Mr. Sinclair.
Surfer Boy yanks the stereo remote out of Fuckface’s hand
and pushes him away, even though Fuckface theoretically has residential
seniority over Surfer Boy. However, since it isn’t fair to Fuckface and it’s
causing him physical harm, I’ll allow it. Token Black Kid then yanks Fuckface
out of the seat he landed in, and Ricky actually gets a choice burn on him with
a “You-Must-Be-This-Tall” joke. Wayne stops Gordon from yelling at the child
who is five feet taller than he is so he can help with the second deux ex
machina of the movie, a conveniently-dropped gum wrapper which
CONVENIENTLY work perfectly fine in hotwiring the stereo.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch-slash-kitchen, the moms run
into a daddy long-legs, who’s stuck in webbing.
Diane: Oh, look. His leg is caught in the spider
web.
Patty: Aw, that’s so sad. Daddy long-legs are good
bugs. They eat mosquitoes and leave humans entirely alone.
Diane: What, is there a Daddy Long-Legs AD COUNCIL
that feeds out this positive information?!
They decide to help the bastard out of the webbing; while
Patty uses the nail file that Diane CONVENIENTLY had in her CONVENIENT
fanny pack, Diane will chat him up or blow him or something. Diane talks about
her shitty day and about how her reservations are probably long gone, and I
think about the 2008 Presidential election (Do You Smell What Barack Is Cookin’
versus McKane, one time for all-time!). Patty finishes, and as the spider
crawls up the counter, they realize that they could use him to get to the meds.
Just like a person, wanting something in exchange for charity...smart.
Fuckface and Bug call the hotel their moms are staying at,
but it’s revealed that they never made it. Since the dads are unreachable, they
start to panic. Downstairs, while the partygoers dance badly, the dads make it
to the left speaker. While Wayne’s inside the stereo base, Gordon will climb to
the middle of it and wait for Wayne’s signal, at which point Gordon will yell as
loud as he can. When Gordon gets to the middle, the music is causing the
speaker to bounce a bit, and the noise is practically deafening to him. You’d
think that, at his size and with the amplification of the music at said size,
his head would explode or something. But I’m taking that logic from Dogma,
so never mind.
It eventually doesn’t matter, because a slow song soon
starts. While Ricky takes Jenny’s hand, Bug and Fuckface are upstairs reading
comics. Bug notices that Fuckface doesn’t look so good. Gee, you think this
has anything to do with the vitamins that he’s supposed to take every day, but
hasn’t done yet? The mind fuckin’ boggles.
As the moms make it to the top of the counter, Ricky tells
Jenny that he has a secret to tell her and asks her to follow him into the
kitchen (this kid’s gonna grow up to be a rapist, you know it). She does, and
the parents watch in plain view what a crappy actor this guy is. I know it’s
straight-to-video and all, but aren’t there standards? I mean, it is 1997
Disney. Lion King was only three years previous; if Jonathan Taylor
Thomas can do a good job, why can’t everyone else? Is it too much to ask?
Jenny asks what the secret is, and Ricky basically (well,
literally) grabs her and plants a big ol’ smooch on her (told ya). However,
even though he’s her big crush, Jenny immediately pushes him away and is
disgusted that he didn’t even ask to kiss her. Attagirl! She storms away, and
Ricky reverts to Emo Bitch. You should have asked her for some lip gloss, you
little emo bitch. The moms cheer her. Oh...yay.
A minute or so later, the boys come into the kitchen to
look for Fuckface’s medicine. The moms find it and, as he’s doubled over the
counter, they get his attention. That’s the good news. Upon seeing them,
Fuckface promptly faints. That’s the bad news. In more good news, he’s
unconscious due to his lack of potassium. He looks near death. That’s even
better news. Jenny tells Bug to look in the kitchen for anything with
potassium. He eventually remembers one of his father’s rants and they give
Fuckface a banana, which revives him, GODDAMNIT. So, wait...why does he need
expensive prescription medicine when all he needs is to eat a fucking banana
every day? Wouldn’t his doctor have to—oh, never mind. Fuckface tells them
that their moms are shrunk, but they don’t believe him. A sudden racket in the
living room gets their attention.
Ricky the Little Emo Bitch and his friends are laying the
place to waste; Jenny tells them to leave, but “maybe we’re not ready to leave”
sez Ricky. Bug makes an attempt to shoo them out, but to no avail.
Bug: [My dad’s] inventions are not stupid. His
shrink ray’s going to the Smithsonian!
Ricky the Little Emo Bitch: I didn’t know your dad
invented a shrink ray. What does he shrink with it? Hemorrhoids?
Lucas Barton you’re not, kid.
Ricky the Little Emo Bitch With Hemorrhoids threatens Bug,
but Wayne is finished with the stereo and signals Gordon.
Gordon: LISTEN! Listen to me, children! I want
you all to stop what you are doing!
Ricky: Who said that?
Gordon: This is the voice of Gor--...God. Y-Yes!
GOD is talking to you! And I want you all to LEEEEAVE THIS HOUSE!
The Power of Christ compels the partygoers to make like a
banana and split. Right after He threatens the kids with plaque (which I’ll
admit, got a chuckle out of me), Jenny, Fuckface and Bug tell him that he can
stop. To speed things along, he reveals that they’re shrunk, they get the
parents to the attic, they contemplate leaving them in a hamster cage, they
eventually unshrink them, Wayne hands Szalinski Labs over to Gordon, Bug goes to
baseball camp, and comes home to see the Tiki Man quadruple its normal size in
the backyard, The Fucking End.
So, children, what have we learned today? That...Eve
Gordon and Jake Richardson are horrible actors? That you should always ask
before you kiss a pretty girl? That plastic volcanoes were tailor-made for
chili dog consumption?
...We learned that this movie sucks. I’ve gotta pee.
This article was done by Matt Briner
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