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Direct-to-DVDiablo, Halloween Edition: The Gingerdead Man
Oh............my God.
Y’know, sometimes, it’s hard to write these articles. I look at the small pile
of straight-to-videos I’ve got waiting for me and I cringe and I whine and I
think, “eh, I’ll wait until next weekend.” The three Beethoven movies
wink at me as if to say, “Yeah, you’ll be my bitch one day.” Writing (sometimes
in excruciating detail) about these horrible movies that shouldn’t have ever
even been thought of is among the hardest things I do in my life.
But not today.
No, this just might be one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.
Gary Busey is a serial-killing gingerbread man.
...I’m going to type that sentence again because, quite bluntly, it amuses me.
*ahem*
Gary Busey is a serial-killing gingerbread man.
...
......
Why should I even bother writing a review? Honestly, I could post a video of
myself holding the DVD box up for five minutes, and that’d be all I needed.
Work finished, keep earned, hilarity ensued. I never thought in my wildest
fantasies that my tiny brain would ever have the opportunity to process a
sentence like that, but there it is.
However, I will be writing a review because, well, it’s sorta-kinda my
almost-job. And also, I forked over $5.29 for it at Blockbuster. Say what you
will about Blockbuster, but Goddamn, I thank them for this. I went there with
the exclusive purpose of finding the worst horror movie ever made that was
released directly to video. While I may not have succeeded (they made a THIRD
I Know What You Did Last Summer movie?! Really? Was that necessary?!?),
I certainly picked the most ridiculous. You may beat co-eds to death with each
other, Friday the 13th franchise, bashing one on top of the
other like that funky Breegull Bludgeon move in Banjo-Tooie, but can you
claim that a delicious holiday treat up and killed a bunch of shit in your
movie?
I think not.
Seriously, someone had to think this shit up. Someone had to fund it. Someone
had to edit and proofread the script, and at least 40 or 50 people had to read
the damn thing to memorize their lines! Are you actually telling me that not
one single, solitary person in that entire bunch looked at the cover page of
their script, saw the words ‘THE GINGERDEAD MAN’ in the middle of that piece of
paper and thought, “Ho-ho-hold on just a damn second here. This movie is about
a gingerbread man who kills people, and GARY BUSEY is our lead actor. Not only
do I quit, I might just have to invent a new form of suicide that outdoes
seppuku in terms of gore and more emphatically states that this world is not
worthy of living in.”
I also thought it was kind of appropriate, what with the time of year and all.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have reached Halloween, or as the more astute
refer to it as, Christmas, Part I. If you’ve been to Wal*Mart or Target or any
Rite Aid in the country, you’ve probably already noticed that, right beside the
Halloween aisle is the Christmas aisle, and it isn’t going away anytime soon.
Now, I love Christmas just as much as the next child-at-heart (read: asshole),
but even I have to say that THIS IS A LITTLE TOO FAR!!! I can take QVC doing
Christmas in July, followed by a 24-hour Christmas special every Day 25 of every
month afterward until the big day, but in the middle of October? It’s like
“It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown!” was a prophecy or something!
Seriously, I haven’t even started watching this movie and I can tell you, right
off the damn bat, that it doesn’t take itself seriously in the least. It
can’t. With the exception of those guys who made Date Movie and Epic
Movie et al (and possibly the WWE Creative team), nobody can be so stupid as
to make a movie called The Gingerdead Man and not say “Who cares?” about
very many things during production.
Anyway, you already know by now that I’m not a very big movie-watcher to begin
with, so I should tell you that I don’t really have much experience with horror,
unless you count watching a bunch of Al Snow matches (nailed it!). With that
said, let’s get right to it. It’s a DVD, so we’ll be able to go straight into
the movies—I probably won’t even bother with the trailers and extras.
*presses ‘ENTER’*
***45
SECONDS LATER***
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Oh, my GOD, this movie is already pointless and stupid!!!
We start out in a café where Gary Busey is wasting no time in emptying cash
registers and shooting screaming female extras in the face (who, by the way, are
clearly breathing and moving despite having a brand-new hole in their head). A
stupid old codger ducking in one of the booths gets out a switchblade and
decides to fight him.
Another noteworthy occurrence: already twice in this movie, we’ve seen shots
that have taken far too long before the next action occurs. OK, remember in
Manos, the Hands of Fate where the camera’s on the girl in the car for way
too long before she realizes that it’s her line? Yeah, it’s like that.
As a note to the producers and director of this movie: If, within two pages of
Word, an Internet reviewer is comparing your movie to Manos, the Hands of
Fate, it’s probably within your best interest to find a new line of work.
Anyway, Busey shoots the old geezer in the heart after said geezer, from 20 feet
away, approaches him and says “I’m gonna fucking kill you.”
As a note to anybody being robbed and intending to fight back: If, within 20
feet of your assailant, you think to make your intentions clearly known that
you’re going to attempt to kill aforementioned assailant, and you don’t have,
say, a gun or even a 15-foot partisan (generally any weapon from Phantasy
Star Online), it’s probably in your best interest to wait until you’re
another 10 feet or so closer to the fucker.
Anyway, the codger’s son comes up, arms in the air (not a single tear in his eye
or a tremble in his voice for the passing of his old man), pleading for his life
(as well as the girl he’s with, whoever she is). Here now, verbatim, is their
exchange:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Man:
Hey. I-I’m unarmed, OK? H-hold on. That’s my dad. W-w-what do you want with
us? We don’t have anything. OK, jus-just take su-stuff a-a-a-a-a-and get outta
here.
Gary Busey:
*Pinocchio levels of wooden* Shut. Up.
Young Man:
Put your gun down please.
Gary Busey:
Shut up. Say it again, and mean it.
Young Man:
Put y-Put your gun down, please.
Gary Busey:
*chuckle* You’re ordering me?!
Young Man:
Put your gun down, please.
Gary Busey:
You sound like a sissy boy.
Young Man:
Put your gun down, please.
Gary Busey:
Now you’re sounding like my high school principal.
Young Man:
Put your gun down, please.
Gary Busey:
...I’m sorry that’s your dad, but welcome to Earth, pal. *puts gun down*
Whaddya think? Gun’s right in front of ya.
Young Man:
...
Gary Busey:
...
Young Man:
*reaches for gun*
Gary Busey:
*STABBITY STABBITY STABBITY STABBITY STABBITY!!!*
Young Man:
*six different kinds of dead*
Gary Busey:
When’re you kids gonna learn?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...OK, I don’t know whether to think that was really cool or just plain fuckin’
stupid. In the event of a tie or a draw, the Champion retains. Therefore,
STILL Matt Briner’s Opinion: Just Plain Fuckin’ Stupid!!!
Speaking of which, he confronts the girl—I’m guessing the daughter/sister of the
two now deceased dipshits—and is conflicted as to whether or not to kill her.
He doesn’t want to, but his mother always taught him to finish what he started.
So even after saying he’s not going to kill her, he fuckin’ shoots her. He then
hears sirens, so he decides to make like a banana and split. Roll opening
credits.
Seriously, all that buffoonery took place before the main damn title screen!
I’m actually wondering whether it’d be better or worse if we’d have just started
the movie out with Busey as a cookie, instead of just waiting ‘x’ minutes into
the movie before we get to that certain level of idiocy.
The opening credits, by the way, reveal Busey’s character’s name (Millard
Findlemeyer), but fuck if I’m gonna recognize him as anything but Gary Busey.
Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the “special effects” yet. You’ll note that I
put “special effects” in quotes. What you didn’t notice is that, immediately
after typing those two words (both times), I actually stopped typing to do
little finger quotes in the air. “Why?” you ask? Well, because I actually saw
better “special effects” (there I go again) in the Disney Channel original
movie, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century.
That’s right, I said it. This movie doesn’t even compare to fucking ZENON
yet!!!
OR it’s two sequels!!!
So, the opening credits end and it’s on to Betty’s Bakery, where some admittedly
hot chick is...well, she’s BAKING, is what she’s doing. But alas, she’s out of
flour. And Jack Daniels. What to do when you can’t bake and drink your ass
off? You do a poorly-acted soliloquy about your dead brother and father!
Apparently, Gary Busey didn’t kill the girl after all, and she grew up to just
be a baker with a bullet scar. He was also evidently caught and sentenced to be
executed for his crimes. I know this because she’s got the newspaper clippings
on a bulletin board in the kitchen. You’d think this would creep out some of
the other workers (it’s a big-assed kitchen, so one can only assume that there’s
more than one person working there), but it’s Charles Band’s ‘Z’-grade movie,
not mine.
A knock on the back door leads this chick (Sarah, apparently) to find a
conveniently-labeled box of “Grandma’s GingerBread Seasoning”. Never mind the
fact that there’s no forwarding address, and never mind the fact that the
delivery person didn’t even bother waiting to get, say, a signature or
something, and NEVER MIND the fact that said delivery person is walking away
mysteriously and hiding themselves in a cloak.
NEVER FUCKING MIND.
And as if this movie couldn’t possibly piss me off any more already, some
redneck hick (another employee, save my sanity) comes in and says the following:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck P. Dumbass:
Tonight, I’ve got two tickets to WrestlePalooza. They’re even gonna let
amateurs compete tonight. A mosh pit of tag team damage and body-slammage!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TIME MOTHERFUCKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No! NO! No, no, nononononoNO! You can rape the sanctity of gingerbread
cookies for your own stupid ways, movie. I can live with that. But you do
not—YOU DO FUCKING NOT—sully the good name of professional wrestling by having
this fucktard with his asshole fake accent and negative IQ points be the
spokesperson for it.
Seriously, is this guy the measuring stick to which all other pro wrestling fans
are compared? Do “normal people” (again with me and the finger quotes) really
think that all pro wrestling fans are like this? It’s not like football and
baseball and basketball and soccer have a distinct dearth of stupid people! And
believe me when I say that, sometimes, they’re no more real than pro wrestling
is.
Of course, who gives a shit, right? I mean, pro wrestling’s fake! It’s all
scripted, therefore nobody should give a shit! “I don’t watch wrestling, it’s
just so fake! My favorite show’s Heroes.” I hate that show, and do you
know why? Because IT’S JUST SO FAKE.
I can tell you, right here and now, that things are only going to get worse
between me and this movie.
Untime. I have two time-outs remaining, and I guarantee I’m going to use them.
All right, so they dump the Unknown Yet Totally Inconspicuous gingerbread
seasoning into their usual batch. Douchbag McGee slices himself with a
boxcutter and VERY STUPIDLY AND VERY UNPROFESSIONALLY moves his sliced hand
immediately over the batch of gingerbread seasoning, letting some of his blood
drip right into it. takes one look at it and leaves.
...It’s moronic, but it’s no grounds for a time-out. Goddamnit.
In the front, some chick using a fake Latina accent screams excitedly.
Apparently, she reads a newspaper article saying that Gary Busey was put to
death two days ago.
That’s right on the line of a time-out, so I’m gonna use another ti[FREEZE!
Don’t you dare.]
Oh, fuck all! Don’t start this.
[I know exactly what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna use your three
time-outs, then when something else makes no sense and pisses you off, you’ll
just use it as grounds to stop watching.]
...Yes! That’s it, exactly! You deserve a cookie.
[Sorry, guy. Can’t let you do it.]
And why, in the sphincter of Hell, not?
[You have to watch the whole movie. Call it a learning
experience.]
I suck at learning—you know that! Besides, by your logic, it’d be a proper
learning experience to drink toxic waste or stick my dick in a meat grinder or
play Sonic the Hedgehog for the PlayStation3.
[OK, you make a valid point. But come on, at least attempt to
finish it.]
...OK. Quickly, though.
[However.]
All right.
So, Gary Busey comes back as a gingerbread man, kills a bunch of pe[NOT!
that quickly.]
Grrr...
So, Douchebag McGee mixes a batch of gingerbread dough with some of the bloodied
seasoning (again, more horrible effects as we cut to an apparent overhead shot
of the batch which is now white with red blood splotches close-up, even though
it was a tannish gingerbread color from far off) and Sarah and Not-Latina are
practicing cake decorating when they all hear a gunshot outside. Sarah’s mom is
getting drunk and shooting shotgun blasts (!) at the much bigger bakery across
the street. And apparently, they’re very big. Part of a chain. Like, the
Wal*Mart of bakeries. More horrible, horrible acting follows as Douchebag McGee
turns the big mixer off. The dough then starts to move, a hand rising from
inside it...
If he kills Douchebag first, I’m gonna take back most of the bad stuff I’ve said
about this flick.
The owner of the bakery chain across the street drives up, his bitch of a
daughter’s in the passenger seat and...there’s a lot more talking and a lot more
pointlessness just to introduce more characters into the movie and try to drive
in some sort of worthless plot that I’m trying my damndest to ignore because
IT’S A DIRECT-TO-DVD HORROR MOVIE and thus really shouldn’t have much of a plot
at all. “Thing ‘A’ is the killer, Things ‘B’ through ‘N’ are the possible
victims. Things ‘B’ and ‘E’ survive while everything else dies. Thing ‘A’ is
incapacitated and thought dead until the very end of the movie when it’s
revealed that Thing ‘A’ is still alive.” Where’s the fuckin’ mystery?
Back inside, Sarah cries a little more (this bitch cries a lot, by the way; I
probably should have mentioned that) and gives Douchebag the rest of the night
off because...I dunno, because he listened to her and comforted her or
something. I’ve tried that with women before, and all I got was...well, a
headache and a one-way ticket to the Friend Zone, Act 1.
Anyway, she takes the gingerbread dough and makes a very, very large gingerbread
man (at least 15 inches from head to toe, a foot in width), decorates him, and
sticks him in the walk-in oven, where it’ll bake and nothing else at all will
happen with it, no sirree Bob. Back in the front desk, that bitch daughter I
mentioned before (remember her? No? Good.) has snuck in and decided to stick a
rat in with the food because—and stay with me on this one—she’s a bitch. So,
how does Sarah retaliate? By sticking a pie in Bitch’s face.
...
[Matt, no.]
It’s OK. I’m fine, I’m cool.
[Good man.]
All right. So, after thaTIME OUT!!!
[Goddamnit.]
A PIE?!? REALLY?!?! Your entire life is this bakery, some bitch is trying to
destroy it and looks you in the eye while doing it. I’m against violence toward
women, but the first thing I’d do is a knee right to the ovaries. This is your
livelihood, and you wanna start a pie fight? Wild & Crazy Kids was
cancelled 15 years ago! And no, I don’t count the crappy version in 2000
because, well, I don’t want to, but that’s another rant for another time.
The point is, at this point in your life, violence is an answer.
Untime.
[That’s already two time-outs and we haven’t even gotten to any
of the death scenes yet. Well, not counting the opening act.]
I know, I know.
[Could you please hold off?]
I’m trying, but it’s not so easy.
[Well, I’m not bribing you with a Waffle Bowl Sundae again. You
know how you’re like when you drive after having sugar.]
...Poor bunny.
[Now, continue with the movie.]
*sigh* So after the pie, these two commence with the single worst cat fight in
recorded history. It makes the Kennel From Hell Match between Al Snow and the
Big Boss Man look like a Ric Flair-Ricky Steamboat ***** classic. They trip the
circuit-breaker, more horrible “special” (air) “effects” (quotes) happen, and
wouldn’t you know it, THE GINGERBREAD MAN COMES TO LIFE!!! Oh, and Bitch’s
boyfriend shows up just ‘cause. They notice that the walk-in oven’s overheating
and go to turn it off and open it; Bitch sees something very ugly in the window,
but Sarah and Bitch’s boyfriend ignore her. They open the door, and Gary Busey
the Gingerbread Man arises to inform them that, um......he exists, I guess.
We start the next act with Bitch’s boyfriend (who is, apparently, nice) denying
the fact that he just saw a very, very ugly gingerbread man come to life before
their eyes. Frankly, I’d be hard-pressed to blame him. He just thinks it’s
someone pulling a prank. Bitch is pretty sure it’s black magic. Sarah just
stands there and adds nothing of note to whatever conversation they think
they’re having. They all act badly, and at this point, I don’t give a shit who
dies first, as long as they just fucking DIE. Bitch’s boyfriend decides that,
if it’s a prankster, he’ll kick their ass. If it’s not a prank, they’ll capture
the walking, talking cookie and...become rich and famous. Or something. I
dunno.
So the Gingerdead Man (Ugh...I can’t believe I have to start calling it that)
raids the walk-in fridge because, I think, he’s got a dairy craving. Evidently,
milk-based products are his fuel or something. The Simpleton Squad lock the
fridge door and go to call the police, but the phone’s dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bitch:
Unbelievable! *hits some buttons on her cell phone (sort of)* Daddy.
You have GOT to come and get me, I am at Betty’s Bakery and we got homicidal
baked goods after us. You heard me. Daddy? DADDY! GODDAMNIT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in the kitchen, Sarah’s senile mother comes in for her bottle of Daniels.
We do the standard horror “Hello? [insert name of person I know who might be
trying to scare me]? Who’s in here? Hello?” bullshit before Gingie chops off
her finger. I’m not giving details because I want to get this over with.
The Dipshit Department are all “What was that sound?” “Oh, never mind, it’s not
like it was my alcoholic mother bleeding to death.” The mother recognizes the
cookie’s voice as her husband’s killer’s. Not-Latina comes out and scolds the
mother, completely ignoring her lack of a finger. Gingie knocks her out with a
frying pan.
Bitch’s Boyfriend goes back out to the car real quick for his gun and probably
some meth. When he returns, Gingie cuts the power. Instead of, y’know, running
far, far away from the bakery screaming their little heads off, they decide to
go to the back and activate the generator, mostly because it has buttons they
can push and levers they can pull. In the next outside shot (which shows the
lights of the bakery still up and running, Bee Tee Dubya), Bitch’s dad drives up
and talks to himself againso that we know that he doesn’t approve of her
boyfriend. I’d compare this to a soap opera, but I just can’t in good
conscience—soap operas contain much better actors.
So Sarah gets Bitch’s Boyfriend alone on the way to the generator. They talk
about how Bitch’s Boyfriend isn’t really as tough as he looks, and
hozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz[WAKE
UP!!]DANGER! DANGER!
Sorry.
Oh, and Gingie kills Bitch’s Dad with his own car. Please don’t ask.
Bitch’s Boyfriend can’t get the generator to work. They return and
Bitch...well, she bitches about how there’s no light (even though the
place is clearly illuminated). Her Boyfriend notices a dragging trail leading
to the walk-in freezer. They open it and find Not-Latina, freezing and
decorated like a gingerbread cookie. Pretty please don’t ask.
Oh, outside, Bitch finds her dad, cries for a second, then steals his pinky
ring, says “I’ll miss you” and leaves.
............Uh-huh.
Back inside, Sarah realizes that she knows that Gingie is the man who killed her
father and brother (how could she possibly know that, by the way?). They get
Not-Latina to someplace a little bit warmer, then they talk about how Sarah’s
taking some nursing classes at the local community
colzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz[FAT
MAN!!!]CHAOS CONTROL!!!
*ahem* *sniff* Sorry again.
They get all kissy-face with each other. Oh, and Gingie slices Bitch RIGHT IN
THE FACE with a chef’s knife. She gets away and finds the other two. They
argue about whether they should leave or not. Bitch decides to leave, and walks
into a very elaborate booby trap that Gingie set which results in said chef’s
knife going all “KERCHUNK” right into Bitch’s head, killing her.
So Sera and Amos (Bitch is dead, so I can’t use that anymore) are wandering
aimlessly around the kitchen while Gingie taunts them. And for the record, even
though Gary Busey is credited with providing the voice of the Gingerdead Man,
it’s obvious in some spots that even he gave up on it and someone else redid the
lines while poorly trying to imitate Busey. My hearing isn’t what it used to
be, but I know the difference between Gary Busey’s voice and Not Gary Busey’s
voice.
Moving on, they find Sera’s mother’s finger pointing to the walk-in oven. They
get in and pull her mother’s barely-living body out. Of course, it was a trap,
and Gingie pushes Sarah into the oven, knocks Amos out with some sort of mallet,
and pumps the oven up to “split your own atoms” temperature. Amos “fortunately”
comes to just long enough to shoot the door handle so that Sarah can get out.
Sarah pathetically coughs and crawls slowly over to Amos (this is noteworthy
because she honestly looks, for all intents and purposes, like a stripper on the
stage begging for money; wouldn’t be surprised if this movie was only a
side-project for her).
Gingie is back, though, and has Amos’ gun, and this next part is so
astonishingly, award-winningly stupid that it’s hard for me to even put into
words, but here goes: Douchebag McGee returns. Gingerdead shoots at them
(somehow firing, like 14 shots from a six-bullet Broken Butterfly), Not-Latina
uses a frying pan to knock Gingerdead away (using all the force of a kitten
swatting at a moth), and Douchebag literally EATS THE GINGERDEAD MAN TO DEATH,
WASHING HIM DOWN WITH A HALF-GALLON OF MILK. Of course, as everyone’s getting
their bearings and leaving, Douchebag washes up and reveals that Gary Busey has
possessed him.
Sarah goes back in for Douchebag, but finds out that he’s been overcome by the
spirit of the Busey. Amos returns and Douchebag knocks him down with a gay-ass
pimp slap. Amos shoots him (without refilling his gun, mind you) to no effect.
So, they actually do something smart and push him into the walk-in oven,
cranking it up to its highest setting, and Douchebag dies in the most horrible
way possible!
And now, my Patented Happy Dance!
And O Hosanna, this shitfest has come to an end!
[There. Now, was that so hard?]
YES!!! It was VERY hard, to an exponential degree!!!
[Yeah, but you’ve now grown as a person.]
...NO, I HAVEN’T!!! If anything, my intelligence quotient is lower!
Disgusting acting, despicable “special effects” (I’ve gotta learn to stop using
air quotes), and, like, two really gruesome deaths! For a movie that didn’t
take itself seriously, it sure was really damn awful. It’s like they knew for a
fact that everything about this movie was horrible, but they did it anyway
because “it’s so bad, it’s funny”. But it’s NOT so bad that it’s funny. It’s
so bad that it’s just really, really fucking bad! Children are starving in
Ethiopia, yet thousands upon thousands of dollars were spent on the making of
this atrocity. It’s the Heroes of Wrestling of ‘Z’-grade horror movies.
If you see this at Blockbuster or at the bargain bin, don’t let your curiosity
get the best of you—avoid this cunt like the Black Death.
NEXT TIME: Another file from the BIFLI Chronicles!
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