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Direct-to-DVDiablo: Inspector Gadget 2
Y’know, it’s amazing what you’ll find in your own home if you rummage around a
bit. When I initially went around my house looking for movies that were
released straight to video, you’d be amazed what I found—things I didn’t even
know I even owned.
For instance, I didn’t know that I actually had The Godfather, which is
weird considering I’ve never seen it. I also found Dirty Dancing,
Pulp Fiction, and a huge fucking centipede making my video space its own
personal cabana. I don’t give a shit if it’s another life, these things are
evil. Fuck all you bug lovers—no living being should have more than six legs.
Anyway, I also found today’s Feature Presentation. I didn’t even know this
movie existed, let alone on my damn property. And frankly, I wasn’t surprised
in the least that I didn’t know about it because I don’t really make it a point
to memorize the release schedule of any movie starring, featuring, or being
catered by anyone whose name even rhymes with “French Stewart”. Sorry, Bench
Fluart, but your delicious Tahitian Vanilla cake won’t convince me to care about
you.
I don’t know how many of you saw the original Inspector Gadget movie in
theaters. I did; since I was an idiot child, I liked it. I really wasn’t
paying much attention to the acting; I was, of course, just watching for things
from the cartoon—the Gadgetmobile, the GadgetCopter, and I was looking to see
what-all they pulled out of their asses that wasn’t in the cartoon.
OK, OK, I also spent most of the movie crushing on the two female leads: Joely
Fisher (I’m a sucker for redheads) and Michelle Trachtenberg (you know you want
her, too). Yeah, Michelle was only, like, 14 in this movie, but she’s only one
month younger than I am in real-life, so that’s my exemption card.
Anyway, I never saw this movie (what with a younger sister in the household, I’m
assuming it was bought for her, after which she saw it once, put it away, and
probably never thought about it again). All I really know is that it doesn’t
follow the first movie almost at all—some people would think that’s a good
thing. I mean, the original Inspector Gadget didn’t really set the world
on fire, and was actually considered a really bad movie. I haven’t seen it in a
long time, so I guess I’ve been able to block most of it out. Hell, the most
prominent line I can think of from the movie was toward the end which I
personally loved:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brenda (Joely Fisher):
Two things, Scolex: One, you are completely insane; and two, I LIKED YOU BETTER
FAT!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway, let’s see what the world of straight-to-video gave us in terms of a
sequel.
GO-GO GADGET VIDEO!!!
...I’m never doing that again.
......OK, one more time. GO-GO GADGET PREVIEWS!!! This offering starts us off
right, believe it or not, with a preview for the initial DVD release of The
Lion King Special Edition. I saw this film again recently, and I’m amazed
at how it actually holds up after 14 years. Although my video is more-or-less
useless after so many years of non-use, following so many years of use, so maybe
I should hunt this disc down.
Wow...talk about your all-time biggest shitty follow-ups: the next preview is
one for The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Not even worth my words. Yeah, Hilary
Duff is cute and everything, but even for a guy as lonely and desperate as I,
looks will only get you so far, sweetheart. I am now reminded that Hilary
Duff’s first foray into movies, Casper Meets Wendy, was direct-to-video,
and I am now reminded that I am in possession of that film. Your time is
counting, bitch.
What’s next? Hmm...well, it’s a preview for the original Pirates of the
Caribbean movie, yet another film I haven’t seen, nor really give very much
of a shit about. Sorry, Johnny Depp, but even for a guy as lonely and desperate
as I, looks will only get you so far, sweetheart.
And no, not even Keira Knightley will make me rush to Blockbuster to nab it.
Next is a preview for another Disney direct-to-video sequel: Atlantis:
Milo’s Return. ...Meh. Next.
Treasure Planet.
Poor, poor Treasure Planet. While I’ve never seen it (noticing a sort-of
trend here?), I’ve heard very good things, and it’s a shame that it was a bomb
at the box-office. Hell, it’s this movie that caused Disney to go almost
completely into the 3D animation market, grossing only $38 million for a
$140-million budget. I guess when the times change, they change without mercy.
...Oh, my Lord, French Stewart starred in ANOTHER MOVIE??? George of the
Jungle 2??? WHAT IN THE FUDGITY-FUCK???!!! Whose bright idea was that?!?!
The original George of the Jungle was a miracle in its own right (yes, I
fucking LOVE that movie), but this is FRENCH GODDAMNED STEWART we’re talking
about here!!! Well, at least it’s another movie I can review, but holy shit.
Isn’t George supposed to be ripped or something? How’re they gonna explain that
one away?
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
on DVD. Sorry, not interested. I won’t say anything bad about it, but I’m
indifferent.
One warning about some tween bitch singing the Official Theme Song of the movie
later, and GO-GO GADGoh, fuck it, it’s the Feature Presentation.
Well, right out of the gate, at least it’s acting like a cartoon, with ol’
Frenchy swinging his head and neck all over the damn place while hiding behind a
billboard looking for speeders. The GadgetMobile (voiced once again by D.L.
Hughley, this time in a much more “phoning it in” tone) explains to us all that,
since arresting Dr. Claw, all the criminals are too afraid to show up in their
quaint little town of Riverton. Gadget, however, pays him no never-mind; he
wants some police action, damnit! He spots a little old lady driving down the
road and, after some poorly-rendered gadgets go on the fritz (sigh), he gets out
his radar gun and reveals the awful truth—that little old lady is speeding!
She’s clearly going a whole 3/10 of a MPH faster than the speed limit!
So that settles it—the little old lady is Dr. Claw. Can I stop watching this
now?
I guess not, as we begin a “high-speed chase”, which is neither a chase, funny,
or even worthy of my mentioning.
Seriously, do I HAVE to do this? Could someone please, for the love of God,
help me figure out how to capture video game footage so I can review those
instead? I don’t even like most good movies—why did I ever decide to review bad
ones?! The next scene only reinforces the fact that this movie falls under the
latter category—bad acting, stupid dialogue, a horrible plot...And we’re only
two minutes into an 89-minutes movie!!!! It already feels like torture!!!!
*sigh* Penny shows up to the station as Gadget’s bringing in the handcuffed
little old lady in for booking. She should be in school, but “there are no good
cases at school”, and she wants to be solving crimes like her Uncle Gadget.
After a check with robotics expert Baxter at the precinct, we find out that the
little old lady was Chief Quimby’s mother; Chief Quimby is fine with it, except
for the fact that he’s pissed the fuck off. This has been happening a lot
lately. Why, just last week, Gadget arrested a troop of Girl Scouts selling
cookies past the expiration date. Gadget complains that there are no real
criminals left on the streets of Riverton, which is mighty convenient since,
later that night, amidst ominous rain and lighting (yeah), Dr. Claw escapes from
prison.
Gadget’s on the case, Penny whines, Claw hates Gadget, Claw wants to rob the
Federal Reserve, Gadget’s got glitches, a female gadget counterpart is created,
Claw’s captured, Penny gets to help, and the two Gadgets fall in love despite
being fucking cyborgs. THERE! Movie over. Now, can I talk about
something that I actually like? Masturbating, for one. Masturbating is
AWESOME. It combines everything I love the most—orgasms, pictures of beautiful
women, and pipe cleaners (don’t ask)!
OK, y’know what? Next time, we’re gonna start on things that went straight to
video that were actually GOOD! Like The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride
and...um...(what the fuck else is there?)...erm...ooh! Firefly! Some of
the episodes were never aired, which means that they only were ever on DVD—that
still counts!
...*sigh* All right, let me just see if I can finish this movie. I mean, if
the Nostalgia Critic can soldier through Kazaam, I can at least try to
get through this.
As said, Claw (using an abandoned bowling alley as his temporary headquarters)
plots to rob the Federal Reserve. Let’s see if I can get this straight: Claw
wants to rob the Reserve right under everyone’s noses, so he needs to built a
superweapon. In ten days, a satellite will be directly over Riverton, so he
wants to hijack it and turn it into a big-assed laser beam or something. He’ll
need his minions to steal an Ion Fuel Cell, a Protoid Laser, a Ruby, the seven
Chaos Emeralds, Princess Peach, a bag of nothing but purple M&Ms, an a book of
Sudoku.
The next day, in light of Claw’s escape, the police unveil their newest project
one year early: G2, a female Gadget. The two main differences between her and
Gadget are that A) she’s completely robot instead of only half-robot like the
Inspector, and B) she’s a hottie-hot hottie-hot HOT HOT. Anyway, Gadget’s in
love immediately, obviously. After a quick demo of G2’s abilities, the Chief
immediately puts her on the Claw case while Gadget’s relegated back to speeders.
The next day (man, this movie spans a lot of days), Penny shows Gadget the
newspaper—Dr. Claw has left a classified ad for an evil minion because, perhaps,
he’s lonely. Penny checked the number, and it’s for a club called the Blue
Monkey. Gadget once again disses his niece and decides to check it out to get
one over on G2.
That night, at the Shrine of the Blue Monkey, Gadget comes by disguised as a gay
Frenchman (oh, the jokes) while Penny goes against her uncle’s wishes and sneaks
in the back with Brain (you forgot about him, didncha?). Inside, Claw’s Minions
1 and 2 are looking at applicants, which include a ninja, who is immediately
hired because he slices a fly on Minion 1’s forehead in two with his sword
without even touching Minion 1’s forehead and because ninjas are TOTALLY MORE
AWESOME THAN PIRATES.
Oh............oh, I went there.
Gadget gets found out pretty easily and gets his metallic ass handed to him. A
monkey in a blue suit calls the cops (please believe me), which causes the five
Claw Minions to vamoose. G2 (actually cleverly called “Malibu Barbie” by one of
the lowlifes beating on Gadget) comes in and saves Gadget’s behind. Instead of
being insulted and emasculated, Gadget’s actually kinda glad to see her, and
hits on her. Normally, I’d find it stupid to be putting the moves on a robot,
but I wouldn’t put it above French Stewart. She declines anyway, most likely
due to the fact that A) she doesn’t have feelings, and B) he’s French Stewart.
Oh, and Penny arrives and shows the two Gadgets video with the Minions saying
where Claw’s next plan of attack is. Her uncle still says she can’t do anything
‘cause she’s a girl and she’s a teenager and Miley Cyrus sucks or something like
that. The Chief shows up and assigns G2 to a stakeout to Claw’s next target.
He also orders Gadget to stay at least 100 yards away from said stakeout, or his
job is forfeit.
So, 101 yards from the stakeout, Gadget uses his Gadget Binoculars to ogle G2.
Gadget insists that they’re strictly coworkers, but the Gadgetmobile sees
through it and tells him (in ghetto speak, obviously) that he can very easily
“hit that thang” if he just uses a little charm. Gadget goes to scope things
out.
Meanwhile, at the target warehouse, the Minions get in and attempt to steal some
Ion Fuel Cells, but G2 stops them and a crappy Disney fight scene ensues. As
Minions 1 and 2 attempt to escape with one of the Cells, Gadget comes down and
accidentally subdues himself and G2, letting them get away. As punishment,
Gadget is assigned to cleaning the toilets.
Claw’s ready for the second piece of his plan: an experimental Protoid Laser,
which can be found at a local science lab. To get it, he’ll need a diversion.
He sends an anonymous letter to Gadget, who will go even though he (read: Penny)
is sure it’s a trap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gadget:
*parks car* Now, I need you to keep a sharp eye out, GadgetMobile; if
you see anything suspicious, you let me know!
GadgetMobile:
You mean like a Trekkie with a girlfriend?
Gadget:
Exactly!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the science fair, after a shameless McDonald’s product placement, I actually
laugh at something in this movie. Specifically, how utterly and purposefully
stupid Minions 1 and 2 look disguised as Gadget’s #1 fans. The shirts
themselves are hideous and, paused at the right time (so as not to actually hear
any dialogue), it’s hilarious.
Anyhoo, as one of the Minions poses with Gadget for a picture, he puts some sort
of homing beacon on Gadget’s hat. This makes it so that Claw can control
Gadget’s every move; Claw forces Gadget to do things like throw his Coke and
fries everywhere. Instead of, say, forcing Gadget to say “Go-Go Gadget Handgun”
and shoot himself in the face, thus ridding himself of Gadget and ridding me of
this shit-ass movie. Nope, Claw forces Gadget to squirt mustard everywhere
and...break dance?
...
YOU HEARD ME, I SAID “...”!!!
More destruction (and a Mickey Mouse head placement) follows, but all this is a
distraction so the Minions can steal the Protoid Laser. Penny sees them, and
Brain follows suit. While Gadget douses the mayor in toothpaste and pillow
feathers, Claw’s Minions get away with the Laser. Brain, however, has one of
their bowling shoes (‘cause Claw’s keeped up in an abandoned bowling alley,
remember) and gives it to Penny, who’s reprimanding the GadgetMobile for
sleeping on the job (yeah, cars can sleep).
Oh, and Gadget’s fired. Never mind the fact that Baxter found a circuit
override chip on Gadget’s person and absolutely nothing that happened at the
science fair was any of Gadget’s fault. And never mind the fact that all Gadget
ever wanted to be all his life was a crime-fighter.
...Too bad. Die miserable.
While Gadget’s checking the ads for a job, Penny shows him the bowling shoe.
Gadget completely dismisses her, however, effectively proving to Penny that he
doesn’t believe in her, even though she’s practically handed him every clue he’s
gotten thus far. During a good cry, Brain shows her the shoe and she’s perked
right up.
Oh, hold on; I have to poop.
...
......
............
OK, back.
So now, it’s a quasi-montage. Gadget’s sucking at a bunch of jobs, Penny’s
investigating the shoe’s whereabouts, and Claw’s superweapon is in the building
process. All they need now is a ruby. I still say he should just look for the
seven Chaos Emeralds. It’s more plausible than anything that’s happened in this
movie. Then, he could be Super Claw and just barge into the Federal Reserve
through the front damn door.
...Oh, like you wouldn’t want to see Super Claw!!!
......The ruby he wants is at the Riverton Museum. They’ll get it during a
fundraiser.
Hey, it’s a fundraiser. And look—Gadget’s new job is as a car-door opener
person. Thing. Whatsit.
Grr. I hate this movie.
[Focus, fat man.]
I’m trying! This movie just sucks so much!
[Well, get over it.]
I CAN’T GET OVER IT! This movie is beyond campy. It’s not even campy. It’s
holding two sticks over your head in the woods.
[You still need to do it.]
GrrAGH! Fine!
[And don’t use a time-out.]
OH, COME ON!!! Why don’t you just tell me to drive a bus with my ass cheeks?!
[Matt...]
Well...
[OK, tell you what—after you finish the movie correctly...we’ll
go out to DQ for a Blizzard. All right?]
...
[...]
...Waffle Bowl Sundae.
[*sigh* Fine. A Waffle Bowl Sundae.]
MERRIMENT!
OK, at the fundraiser, the Chaos Emerald (fuck you, I’m calling it a Chaos
Emerald) is on display. G2 notices that the Indian music (“same country where
the Taj Mahal is” Indian, not “Welcome to our Casino” Indian) doesn’t match the
instruments that the musicians are playing. You think that’s because the
musicians are Claw’s Fucking Minions? NNNaaaaaaaah!
Penny makes it to the abandoned bowling alley and breaks in to look around. And
we cut right back to the fundraiser, where Claw makes his presence known. He
fills the room with laughing gas. G2 (all-robot, remember) is unfazed by
laughing gas. So, Claw traps her with a magnet. Smart guy, that one. Eggman
very easily nabs the Chaos Emeralds and they make their escape. (Gadget would
stop them, but he’s such a goddamned shit-brained imbecile that he actually
helps them into the fucking car.)
Penny’s putting all the pieces together when the bad guys return. (It’s taking
one of the Minions two arms to hold the massive ruby, but I’m not calling it the
Master Emerald because it’s red and the Master Emerald is green—how’s THAT for
übergeek logic?) Unfortunately, Penny proves that klutziness runs in the
family; she causes dozens of bowling balls to be loosened from their storage
tanks, thus drawing attention to herself. She makes a decent attempt at making
a run for it, but it’s a futile effort thanks to the Ninja Minion.
At the gala, as everyone’s clearing out, the mayor is all pissy because nobody
gave any money to her campaign (oh, and the 75-pound ruby on loan from India was
stolen, too, I guess...). Even though it wasn’t G2’s fault in the damn least
that Claw got away, she blames the whole thing entirely on her and the Gadget
Program in general. She drives away and Chief Quimby decides that the only
solution is to take G2 down to the precinct for immediate deactivation.
So, duh, G2 shows human emotion and starts to cry. And, of course, since she’s
a robot, she touches the tear and examines it. Gadget offers her a handkerchief
and some companionship, but G2 lets her mechanical side rule, and she goes with
the Chief, telling Gadget that there’s nothing he can do. Gadget thinks
otherwise.
Later that night, he reactivates G2 (her chip was just removed and she was set
to be recycled). When she asks him why, he says that he’s always admired her
investigative abilities and her physical prowess.
...That means he wants to fuck her.
......A lot.
............In numerous posi—[WE GET IT!]
Anyway, G2’s actually flattered that Gadget finds her so attractive, but just
before they get around to not-making out, Brain shows up all apanicked. They
use a plot device to translate what Brain’s saying (I know, just go with it):
that Penny’s being held hostage by Dr. Claw, who’s gonna rape the Federal
Reserve for all it’s worth. Gadget and G2 decide to pair up (and maybe have
coffee later).
The next scene shows Gadget and G2 gearing up for battle, not unlike the opening
scene of Batman & Robin, as if we needed any more dramatic irony. Claw
and his Minions have taken Penny to a lake on the town’s outskirts, where they
prepare to activate the superweapon......a......20-foot......bowling pin. OK,
it’s a time displacement laser, but still, it’s shaped like a bowling pin. Hard
to take seriously. At precisely 9:23, they fire the laser at the satellite in
space, when it’s right over Riverton, and the satellite freezes Riverton in
time.
......OK.........that’s kinda awesome. Yeah, it’s once again repeating
something that happened in Goddamn-Butthole Batman & Robin, but at least
there’s no rubber icicles here. Score one for the shitty movie (well, this
shitty movie).
This allows Team Claw to walk through the front door of the Federal Reserve and
take anything not nailed down, including the $5 trillion in pure gold. As
they’re packing things up, Team Gadget arrives to kick some one-armed ass. Claw
and Minions 1 and 2 take Penny out of the Reserve, leaving the other three to
get really, really killed by G2 and Gadget. Gadget decides to go after Claw
while G2 takes care of the leftovers. Just one problem—Gadget’s still glitching
out. No worries—G2 gives him one of her operating chips. While G2 may get some
glitches, Gadget will gain serious attack power and prowess. In the video game
biz, we call that “leveling up”. Gadget GadgetCopters for Claw.
Y’know, I should probably mention something now that we’ve only got, like, ten
minutes left in the movie. This whole time, they’ve been trying their damndest
(and failing miserably) to hide Claw’s face whenever he’s on screen. To do
this...um...he wears a big hat and ducks his head a lot. That’s it. Of course,
throughout the course of this movie, we can clearly see his face numerous
times. Never mind the fact that Claw from the original Inspector Gadget
movie never had his face hidden, and never mind the fact that in the cartoon,
Dr. Claw didn’t have an actual two-pronged claw for a hand (his hand was pretty
much just metallic). I’m just curious as to why they ever even bothered to hide
his face in the first place when, for 57 of the 60 minutes he’s on our screen,
his face is easily visible.
[That was a time-out.]
It was not a time-out; it was a rant!
[You’re not supposed to rant.]
OF COURSE I’M SUPPOSED TO RANT! That’s all I do is rant! Besides, I wasn’t
timing-out, I was just making an observation and bringing up an inquiry.
[...Touché.]
Bet your fat, dimply ass, “touché”!
Meanwhile, at the Federal Reserve, G2 apprehends the villains when her glitches
unfairly work in her favor. Fuckin’ chicks...
Gadget gets on the roof of the speeding van and uses his Gadget Can Opener (a
mini-buzzsaw in his hand) to make a hole in it. Claw gets the last word,
however, as he ejects Penny from the back of the van via a dolly and strapped to
a bomb. Gadget actually has to take a few seconds to think about it (!!!!!!!!)
before heading off for Penny. Fifty seconds later, Penny’s free. Fifty-three
seconds later, a perfectly good bomb and 20-or-so perfectly good bowling pins go
to absolute waste. G2 and the GadgetMobile catch up; after many huggles, Team
Gadget (and Penny and Brain) are on their way to find Claw and give him a good
spanking.
They cut the van off at the pass—about a mile down the road, Gadget shoots
bubble gum (?) onto the road. Of course, the fan comically gets bubble gum
caught in the manifold and does some sort of horizontal yo-yo thing. The two
Minions surrender, but Claw escapes in a giant rocket pod THAT COULD NEVER
HAVE FIT IN THE BACK OF THE VAN IN A MILLION HORIBIFUCKING YEARS!!!!!!!!!
At least he gives the “I’ll get you next time, Gadget!” line.
The gang go back to the laser and (thanks to the dumbest password in the history
of passwords) return Riverton back to the way it was. Gadget and G2 are
commended, Gadget gives a medal to his niece (ah, nepotism), the GadgetMobile
gets a ticket, Gadget and G2 get it on with the big smooches (shit-on-a-stick, I
can’t watch French Stewart macking with someone), Quimby and the mayor get blown
up, and fuck you if you think I’m gonna stick around for that tard-ass music
video after the credits.
*sigh* OK. There. I was good, I behaved, I reviewed the movie, my work here
is done.
[Not so fast!]
Oh, what now?!
[Y’know, I was thinking...you should get a pseudonym.]
But I always use protection.
[...No, no, a pseudo—you’ve never even had sex! How could you
use pro—never mind! A pseudonym is a nickname, dipshit.]
Oh. Oh! No.
[Why not?]
Well, I wouldn’t like any nickname I was given.
[Oh, c’mon, everyone else on the site uses a pseudonym! That Guy
With The Glasses, The Nostalgia Chick, SpoonyOne, MarzGurl...]
Well, they picked their own names so I’m sure they’re perfectly content.
[Well, I’m not. Now, what say we let the viewing public pick
your new nickname on the site?]
No.
[Oh, c’mon!]
No! Now, come on. We’re going to DQ. You owe me a Waffle Bowl Sundae.
[Oh, fine.]
NEXT TIME: The Halloween Edition!
There’s a guy called “SpoonyOne”? Fuckin’ seriously? He picked that name
himself?
[Yeah, that’s what I said!]
This article was done by Matt Briner
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