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Direct-to-DVDiablo: Angels in the Endzone
Call me kooky, but I don’t think we needed this movie.
As someone who grew up in Back to the Futureville, dreaming dreams of
hover cars, self-drying jackets, thumbprint recognition, and an endless supply
of Honey, the Pizza Shrunk Itself, one man was behind the mania.
If it weren’t for Christopher Lloyd (or his hair), Back to the Future
never would have gotten as big as it did.
That’s right, I said it.
Think about it—when you think of BttF, what’s the first thing you think
of? You think of Doc Brown and his Einstein-esque mane. While Lloyd made his
name in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Taxi, it was BttF
that made sure that people of all generations knew who he was.
So, natch, with that franchise over and done with and the 1990’s just around the
corner, Lloyd moved on. Suburban Commando notwithstanding, he did do
The Addams Family, not to mention working like a charm as the robber in the
original Dennis the Menace movie. Then, in 1994, he worked in a little
ditty called Angel in the Outfield. While it was a “fun for the whole
family” pile of crap, you have to admit—if you were a kid, you loved it.
So, of course, three years later, a sequel was released. And of course, it was
relegated right to VHS. And of course, it’s really, really bad.
How do I know it’s bad? Simple.
This is Matthew Lawrence. He sucks. He’s not the worst tween stars of
all-time, but he’s definitely up there, and he’s definitely one of the most
infamous. I don’t care if it was in Mrs. Doubtfire, Brotherly Love,
Boy Meets World, H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks (Will Friedle needs to
come back, man), or today’s Feature Presentation. The fact is, this guy’s
acting is like his shit: it looks the same every time, and it stinks. He’s a
disgrace to Pennsylvanian Matthews who aspire to be actors everywhere.
Anyway, this episode of “Direct-to-DVDiablo” is gonna be shorter than usual
because, well, I don’t feel like typing very much about this goblet of urine.
As if I needed any more proof that the next two hours of my life were gonna
suck, the very first preview on the videocassette is for the live-action Mr.
Magoo. That’s like starting a meal at White Castle with a bowl of grease as
the appetizer. This is followed by Tony Danza in The Garbage-Picking, Field
Goal-Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon, and it scares the bejesus out of me
that I typed that four seconds into the preview without them even reminding me
of the title because I remember this movie so damn well. It’s not exactly a
movie title you forget, which is like saying you never forget that one time you
took a crap that had a circumference of 16 inches.
This is followed by previews for the forgettable Kirstie Alley flick
Toothless, the 25th animated Disney movie The Black Cauldron,
and one for The Lion King II. As I said, that’s on my list to review,
which is to say I’m not entirely gearing my writings toward bad movies. I just
hope I have enough to say when it comes around.
Our Feature Presentation. Let the blinding pain begin.
As stated, Christopher Lloyd returns to reprise his role as Al. There’s not
much to say about the first few minutes of the flick, except that Lloyd is
clearly (and I mean an emphatic “CLEARLY”) the best actor that’s going to be in
this movie, and that this movie isn’t going to be riding the train to Logicville
anytime soon, what with Lloyd taking one last farewell pitch of “Cy Young”.
Anyway, we move onto the harpers, a Typical American Family™ consisting of a
wife, a husband, an older boy (played by Lawrence) who looks like his dad, and a
younger boy (played by David Gallagher; apparently, he’s done other stuff since
this movie) who looks like his mom. That latter remark wasn’t a compliment.
Matthew’s fears of not getting on the football team are assuaged on the day of
tryouts when he realizes the team he’s trying out for are the Typical Horrible
Disney Sports Team™, what with their nerdy quarterback who can’t see anything a
foot in front of him, and their wide receiver who runs right into the goal post,
to their assistant coach, who makes John Laurinitis’ talent-scouting skills seem
competent by comparison. The brownish film floating at the top of this
diarrhetic toilet bowl is, of course, the depressed coach who, after 40 years of
coaching high school football, has yet to finish with a winning season. You’d
think after 40 years, the school would fire this ass-clown and find someone
competent to coach, but I guess if that doesn’t work for the Detroit Lions, it’s
not gonna work for the Westfield Angels.
We also get a glimpse of two Westfield seniors who, for some reason, are made
out to be some type of Disney Villain™ in this flick just because they plan to
con stupid betting freshman with way too much school spirit out of their money
when they bet every game on their home team. Hey, if the students are stupid
enough to A) gamble illegally and B) bet on a group of retards who wouldn’t know
a football from a Life Saver, I say they deserve to lose their money. More
power to these two.
Anyway, Matthew goes in for an injured player as we get a
“Hispanic-people-don’t-know-the-difference-between-football-and-soccer” schtick
going, as lo and behold, an Hispanic kid comes by, is sad to realize that he got
his footballs and futbols intertwined, then gets a spot on the team
because he kicks a football over the fieldhouse. He does the double-cheek-kiss
thing on the coach, at which point we get the Lame Disney Robbery of Classic
Movie Line©:
Coach:
Hey! This is football. There’s no kissing in football.
...See why I want to get this done quickly?
Anyway, since Matthew Lawrence is the best guy there (I can’t believe I just
typed that), he obviously gets a slot on the team as starting tailback. Of
course, he only gets the position after running one play, followed by informing
the coach that his name is Jesse Harper, and that he’s Peter Harper’s son
(Peter, apparently, is a big fuckin’ deal around these parts). He runs home and
calls his dad to tell him the good news. Dad lets out the most unconvincing
“Woo-hoo!” this side of...erm......the last guy to do an unconvincing “Woo-hoo!”,
and upon rushing home with a celebratory pizza in a rainstorm, has a car
accident and dies.
...I’m starting to think I should have put the whole “runs home, dad dies” thing
in a separate paragraph. I’ve always been told I have problems with
structuring.
......Eh, fuck it.
An indeterminate time after dad’s departure, football season begins. The
54-consecutive-losses Angels’ first opponents, natch, are the
undefeated-for-five-years Central High Screamin’ Demons. Jesse, however, is
distraught from his father’s passing and skips the game without bothering to
tell anyone, allowing the Angels to get violently raped by the Demons by a score
of 66-0.
That night, younger brother Kevin prays to the heavens for help, and you pretty
much know the rest of the movie: thanks to a shitlist of “real” angels who
apparently have nothing better to do, an awful high school team (helped by
Jesse, who had an obvious change of heart after doing some jail time—don’t ask)
goes to the championship game. Of course, since the Power of Christ forbids
them from helping humans in a championship game (God must have been on the
Capitol Hill of Heaven that day), the team does badly in the first half, then
they’re given a big fat pep talk at halftime, and they do better in the second
half and win the game.
See, that’s where Disney and Nickelodeon differ big-time. In Disney movies, a
good pep talk is “real” and it’ll turn shit into gold, as some people on this
site have said. In the upcoming Nickelodeon movie Gym Teacher: The Movie
(which I only know about because of commercials during The Fairly Oddparents,
which is still an awesome show and I proudly watch it), the following
conversation goes down in the last minutes of a game:
Player:
But all that stuff you said to me—
Christopher Fucking Meloni:
You believed that? That was a PEP TALK! I didn’t mean any of it!
Did I ever mention how much I love Chris Meloni?
Anyway, since I typed all this and, with the help of fast-forward figured out
that it was pretty much entirely true and that nothing else really
happens...um...I’m done here.
Oh, the next movie I do won’t have gone straight to video. I’m just gonna do it
because...erm...’cause I want to, and I can? Yeah, that works. I want to and I
can. So there. Nyeh.
This article was done by Matt Briner
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