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A Letter to Carlos Mencia
Dear Mr. Mencia,
Fuck you.
I wanted to call you a douche, but that would have been an
insult to vaginal cleaning products, not to mention Tom Brady and Bill
Bellechick. And if there are two people in the world to whom I don’t want to
owe any apologies, it’s those two fuckers.
Recently, I’ve been seeing commercials for the latest
episode of your quote-endquote “television show” Mind of Mencia. Now,
I’ll be the first to admit that you’re a smart guy. After all, you were the one
to be smart enough to get within spitting distance to a Comedy Central exec
right after Dave Chappelle’s moral epiphany and convince said exec that you
could follow in Mr. Chappelle’s racial hilarity, while I sit here typing shit
for a quasi-living.
And yet, what I do makes people laugh. Go figure.
The first time I saw you, I sorta liked what I saw, in a
perverse way. It was a half-hour Comedy Central special and I liked your joke
about how it’s not that difficult for trailer trash to move (“YOUR HOUSE HAS
WHEELS!!!”). You finished the comedy special with a deliberately-unfunny
and quite-dramatic moral speech about how nothing is what a person expects or
wants.
You’re absolutely right. I wanted a funny comedian to
succeed Dave Chappelle.
For the sake of research, I subjected myself to viewing
your July 23 episode in its entirety, which should count as a business expense.
I decided to watch the entire thing without changing the channel, which only
proves how dedicated I am in making my readers know their opinion.
-Intro is you making fun of your relative’s accent. He
butchers Romeo & Juliet. Not funny.
-Monologue starts with father hitting you in the face. The
joke isn’t funny. You getting hit in the face is funny. Your dad wants a
tractor and a Cadillac. Still not funny. Then you...y’know what? I’m not even
gonna bother. I’ll just quote our resident Mr. With The Glasses in saying “Not
Funny + Not Funny EQUALS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!”.
-Monologue’s done, now we’re on to talking about Barack
Obama. No, wait, it’s a “Prince is a woman” joke. Now a “Snoop for Secretary
of Agriculture” joke. Now a “Kool-Aid Man for Secretary of Housing and
Whatthefuckever” joke. I didn’t even chuckle.
-Now a commercial, FINALLY, at nine minutes. I’m
considering this practice for all the Direct-to-DVDiablos I have yet to do:
watching things that aren’t funny and writing in detail about them. And I’ m
actually keeping an open mind here. I’m looking for any excuse to delete this
letter because it’s almost 11:00 and I’m tired and I have a long commute in the
morning. Thanks a lot, ya prick.
-We’re back. Now, we’re making fun of comic book
characters with disabilities. Captain Wheelchair: shit. Make-a-Wish Girl, a
nine-year-old girl shooting people: piss. “Juice Box” Phil, superstrong retard:
vomit. Parkinson’s Man, earthquake-causing villain: stupid. And Ginormo,
a......well, a midget: really stupid.
-Seriously, it’s not that I’m not laughing because it’s
handicapped people and I think it’s horrible. I’m not laughing because there’s
nothing funny to laugh at. My cousin Skyler makes me laugh, and she’s six. Her
one-year-old sister Mackenzie can speak complete sentences (like I could; I just
hope she doesn’t get fat like I did), and thus could write this shit better than
your team of chimps.
-You’re now impersonating an old black racist man. OK, NOW
I’m not laughing because I think it’s horrible. Not only is there nothing here
even remotely funny, but it’s so blatantly, stupidly racist that it makes a Klan
member look like a free-range foster mother.
-Cartoon about your mom and brother finishes the episode,
thank GOD.
Do you see what’s wrong, sir? When Mr. Chappelle made fun
of all the races for the sake of making fun of all the races, he was funny.
Take one look at the Racial Draft, Tyrone Biggums, the Black White Supremacist,
and “I Know Black People” for proof of this. Hell, he also did jokes that
didn’t have anything to do with race. They were few and far between, but they
existed.
You, meanwhile, do nothing but make fun of everyone while
pandering to the lowest common denominator—people who would laugh at chalk.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I understand that you’re on Comedy Central, which has
pretty much relegated itself to that demographic. There are exceptions, but
your show is not one of them.
Of course, with my luck, you’ll be on for a long time,
probably because Comedy Central can’t think of anything better. Do the world a
favor: take whatever money you’ve collected, retire from television, and spend
the rest of your entertainment career writing commercials for radio stations.
If the commercials on today are any indication, trust me, you’ll be welcomed
like a comedy genius.
But until then, I’ll reiterate: fuck you. I won’t be
watching again, but still...fuck you.
All my love,
Matt Briner and The Undersigned
This article was done by Matt Briner
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