DVDiablo - Dennis the Menace Strikes Again

Written by Matt Briner

Wednesday, 13 August 2008 22:50

Direct-to-DVDiablo: Dennis the Menace Strikes Again

Take a good long look at that case cover. Does that look like the kind of movie you want to spend your free time watching?

God bless Don Rickles. Ol’ Mr. Potato-Head tried. He so very tried to make this a better-than-mediocre movie. However, that’s the best compliment I can give this movie: mediocre. While there are some portions of this movie I like, there’s just enough to hate (Dude...fucking Carrot Top).

Now, to be fair, the original Dennis the Menace that this movie succeeded was very good. The late, great Walter Matthau was perfect casting as Mr. Wilson, and Mason Gamble (who later went on to play Dirk Calloway in the 1998 film Rushmore) was awesome as Dennis. The movie was also noted as being the fifth time that Lea Thompson and Christopher Lloyd appeared in a movie together.

Dennis the Menace Strikes Again, however, follows one of the “golden rules” of straight-to-video releases and doesn’t retain a single member of the original cast. The role of Dennis Mitchell goes from Gamble to Justin Cooper (who was in Liar Liar, but, to be blunt, hasn’t really been seen since this movie); the role of Mr. Wilson, as stated, was given to Don Rickles, and Betty White plays Mrs. Wilson. Furthermore, the plot of the movie goes from slightly believable (a thief tries to take Mr. Wilson’s money) to impossibly stupid (two thieves try to take Mr. Wilson’s money).

On with the show.

We begin, as with most videocassettes, with previews. Warner Bros., the producers of the movie, pretty much suck their own dick. They were celebrating their 75^th anniversary around this time, and they were releasing a shitlist of videos, proclaiming them to be classics. “Unforgettable hits” like (I’m not making this up) Space Jam, The Amazing Panda Adventure, and It Takes Two. To their credit, they also shilled Superman, the Movie and The Best of Animaniacs, but it still doesn’t forgive them calling Space Jam a classic. That’s like calling The Adventures of Pluto Nash a hilarious romp.

Next, we get an ad for The Mighty Kong, which is quite literally King Kong: The Animated Musical. Again, I’m not making this up—they actually say that (well, more-or-less)! Following this are trailers for Little Men, Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island, and Addams Family Reunion, none of which I’ve ever seen (but AFR has Tim Curry, so it can’t be ALL bad). Finally, Wakko’s Wakko Wish, which I’m sure you all appreciate.

And now, Our Feature Presentation. ...Yay.

It’s George Wilson’s birthday. We know this because Martha’s putting the finishing touches on a large homemade “Of-Fucking-COURSE-Something-Zany’s-Gonna-Happen-With-It” birthday cake that she probably slaved over for hours. Who wants to take bets on whether or not she cares when it gets thoroughly destroyed?

In the bathroom, good ol’ Mr. Wilson is watching himself get old before his very eyes. He’s got new spots on his tongue and a new kink in his shoulder. George (probably for the six-galillionth time) attempts to convince his wife that they should move into a retirement community, citing the high fences and the guards armed with guns who are specifically trained to shoot any living thing shorter than 5’ tall on sight. Sounds like utopia to me!!! Alas, Martha argues that their house isn’t just a house, but their home for their entire marriage (and to the movie’s credit, they’ve either used the exact same set as the original 1992 Dennis the Menace or they’ve recreated it incredibly well). Martha confirms that this’ll be the best birthday ever, especially since she especially didn’t tell Dennis about it. George, for once in his sad, miserable life, is happy.

So, of fucking COURSE, Dennis is getting George’s birthday present ready, what with that whole pesky “he’s lived next door to you his entire life and thus has been around for seven of your birthdays, so he’s probably memorized the Goddamned date by now” thing. However, he can’t decide whether Mr. Wilson will like a frog, a snake, a lizard, or a spider the best, so he just decides to take ‘em all and let Mr. Wilson choose! Y’gotta admit, the little shit’s thoughtful.

Dennis has arrived out back, and Mrs. Wilson tells him to wait for Mr. Wilson to finish his bath before he gives him his present. So, being the thoughtful little shit he is, Dennis decides to take his little red wagon, overflowing with jars and boxes filled with amphibious critters, inside the house and up the stairs. CLANG go the wheels on the wagon, and this idiot child can’t figure out that maybe—just maybe—one or two of these jars will fall out. Somehow, they all make it up safely, breaking any conceivable natural laws. Dennis, wagon of livestock in tow, heads for the master bedroom, and HOLY SHIT, DON RICKLES IN THE NUDE!!!

OK, we don’t actually see anything, but it’s Don Rickles naked in a bathtub. Is this necessary? Really?! Did I need this visual in my head? Thank you very fucking much, Warner Bros. There goes your Christmas gift.

Dennis unscrews a jar with a toad in it, then, for some ungodly reason, goes over to the bathroom door because......seriously, I have no idea why. Maybe they director wasn’t thinking, but a seven-year-old boy sneaking peeks of Don Rickles’ hairy butt points directly at the perverted and obscene. It’s bad enough that Bug Hall jacks it to Sports Illustrated for Kids.

Anyway, the toad forces the jar to tip, then hops out, goes into the bathroom, and hilarity ensues. Dennis conveniently (get used to that word again) turns his head right as the toad enters the bathroom and starts unscrewing more jars (why he’s doing this instead of just leaving them in the jars, I’ll never know). The toad, meanwhile, hops into the bathroom. Mr. Wilson tries not to notice, but the toad surfaces near his crotch and spits water all the way up into his face.

TIME!!!

We’re already seven minutes into this movie and we’ve already hit three porn categories. This is a kids’ movie, for the love of God! I know this is Warner Bros. and everything, but don’t they think kids would notice??? These sick douchebags seriously didn’t think this would raise a few perverted eyebrows Rock-style? Whose bright idea was that?!

Untime. I have two time-outs remaining.

George screams in terror. Or pleasure, I can’t tell which. This causes Dennis to fall over and knock all his jars over in ASTONISHINGLY unconvincing fashion. And get this—as he falls, he actually says “YIKES!”.

“YIKES”?! Really? Even in the mid-to-late 90’s, what on Earth could cause a “Yikes”? You think that, when Titanic hit that iceberg, the first thing to come out of Capt. Smith’s mouth was “YIKES”?! A chemical explosion on Three Mile Island? “Uh-oh!” Hurricane Katrina? “Whillickers!”

As the critters crawl around the bedroom, George in the bathroom exclaims that he needs a plumber. Then when he wraps a towel around himself and sees a miniature dragon on it, he falls in the tub and says he needs an exterminator instead. It takes a mouse with a little pink bow around its neck (?) in his robe pocket to realize that Dennis is in the immediate vicinity.

Anyway, further zaniness leads to George falling into the wagon and down the stairs. Martha then comes in with the (obviously-propped) birthday cake and GUESS THE FUCK WHAT? A salamander causes her to scream, throw the cake into the air, and land right on George’s face. So, if you had “Into George’s face after falling down the stairs in a little red wagon after an incident with lizards”, you win the pool.

George chases him out of the house and Dennis’ parents come out for damage control. George tells them that enough is efuckingnough, and that they should find the little prick another old man to terrorize. CONVENIENTLY, who should drive in but Dennis’ grandfather? George Kennedy drives up (if you’ve heard of him, that makes one of us) and immediately announces that he sold the motor home.

What motor home? Were we supposed to know about a motor home? Did I miss a memo?

Anyway, he announces that, since Mr. & Mrs. Mitchell (who, unsurprisingly, are shit actors) have a spare bedroom available, he’s moving in so that he can be a full-time grandfather to Dennis. George (Wilson, not Kennedy) smiles gleefully and says “Yippee!”. Even Dennis’ mom tries to talk ol’ Gramps out of it, saying that after two weeks around Dennis, he’s usually running his big dimply ass out of town. He gets sappy and says that this is home now.

The next morning, the Wilsons are having, for once, a peaceful breakfast on the porch. While Martha (who’s gonna make another cake, for those of you wondering) says she likes Dennis’ grandfather, George “never trusts a man who’s always smiling”. Good rule, if you ask me. Anyone who’s always smiling is always hiding something. I knew a guy in elementary school who was always smiling. Fifteen years later, BAM! Patriots fan.

And now it’s time to fill our “girls are icky” quota, as Margaret crashes a Dennis-run “No Girls Allowed Club” meeting. And I think they actually went out of their way to find the ugliest girl possible to play Margaret. As a rule, gingers are evil, but they usually have SOME sort of cute factor to them. They must have searched for years before finding this little bitch. Did she win a contest or something?

Anyway, yes, there’s a No Girls Allowed Club. And yes, there’s a girl in it. And yes, the girl is played by Alexa Vega, of Spy Kids fame. I know you were wondering; that’s why I mentioned it. Anyway, the club members decide to run and hide from the Abomination. Margaret threatens Dennis by saying that if he doesn’t show himself, she’ll scream till she turns blue and faints. For some inexplicable reason, he shows himself.

Dennis: Margaret, the whole idea of having a No Girls Allowed Club is not letting girls in.

Margaret: Wait a minute, Gina’s in the club!

Boy With Stupid Haircut: She’s Vice President!

Margaret: But Gina’s a GIRL!

Idiot Child #2: She is?

Gina: *punch!*

Idiot Child #2: Ow! She don’t hit like no girl!

Since half the fun of having a club is excluding whomever you want, Margaret decides to start her own club, attempting to entice Dennis with sugary treats, including Double-Stuf Oreos, which are Dennis’ favorite. No, Dennis...don’t fall for it...

Oh, but here’s Alexa Vega here to save the day with her pet rat who just had hairless babies. The boys go to her house while Margaret whines to her cat, Mr. Coodles. Don’t ask why it’s called Coodles and not Cuddles. Maybe being an ugly ginger fucks up the mind. She vows to end Alexa Vega.

Later, the Mitchells and Mrs. Wilson are getting ready to go to the Fireman’s Carnival (complete with Grandpa Mitchell’s frozen pickles on sticks). George refuses to attend. Martha’s car won’t start, however. As George, Grandpa Mitchell, and Dennis look under the hood to assess the damage, Dennis unhooks a loose hose and accidentally points it right at George. Right at that very second, Martha CONVENIENTLY decides to turn the ignition for no good reason whatsoever, drenching George in motor oil.

OK, I’m going to use a time-out here because something’s bugging me.

Throughout the duration of this movie, Dennis’ dad has a pipe in his mouth. Y’know, an old-time smoking pipe, even though it’s 1998. Now, the anachronology, I can forgive. The thing of it is, no smoke ever comes out of it. So why does he have the ruttin’ pipe in his mouth?! Did they think it was clever because Dennis the Menace was a 50’s show and 50’s sitcom dads all smoked pipes and knew best and all that horseshit? All through this movie, this dickwad has a “my shit don’t stink” attitude that makes me want to punch him in the face. As a matter of fact, with the exception of Don Rickles, I pretty much wanna punch everybody in this movie in the face, from Mr. Mitchell to Mrs. Mitchell to Martha Wilson to Dennis to Margaret...and we haven’t even gotten to Carrot Top yet!!!

Untime. I have one time-out remaining.

Anyway, George still refuses to go to the fair. That is, until Dennis reveals that his grandfather’s gonna be in the dunking booth.

So, of course, George can’t dunk him. On the third throw, the kink in his shoulder flares up. An old man (who is so goddamned obviously Carrot Top in makeup) comes behind him and notes that he used to have bursitis that bad when he was George’s age. He then succeeds in dunking Dennis’ grandfather (the reason I’m still calling him that, by the way, is because the movie hasn’t bothered to name him yet, and I can’t be bothered to Google this shit) three times. He walks away, but George is intrigued by the fact that this old codger feels like a million bucks and follows suit. Carrot Top is stopped by his “doctor”, played by Brian Doyle-Murray of all people, who tells him not to exert himself too much. Toppy follows this by immediately climbing a rope, and the doctor informs George that all this exertion will set his treatment back. Now George is REALLY curious. Even though the treatment is still experimental and confidential (and probably smells of old Cheetos), the doctor confides in George that they’re working at a local college to stop the effects of aging. However, it costs a pretty penny, so George opts out. The Other Murray advises him to enjoy the rest of his life while he can.

So, children, can you guess what’s going on here?

Meanwhile, on the carousel, the members of the No Girls Allowed Club, Crappy Movie Chapter, muse about how their dads have warned them how much they’ll like girls when they’ll get older. Then, out of absolutely nowhere, Margaret shows up on one of the horses in front of them. Seriously, where the fuck’d she come from?! She wasn’t there a second ago! Fucking gingers...creep me out. Alexa (her screen name is Gina, but I like the letter ‘x’, so I’ll just keep calling her Alexa) regains Dennis’ attention with chewed up food. Margaret whines again.

Later that night, everybody’s dancin’! Seriously, there’s a room dedicated to just music and dancing. At a fair. When’s the last time you saw people dancing at a fair to pseudo-mariachi music? Anyway, Grandpa goads George into dancing with the rest of them, and IT’S ON. George and Grandpa take their paces as they prepare for a showdown the likes of the Colts versus the Steelers, Sonic versus Mario, Critic versus Nerd...shit, indeed, is about to go down.

The DJ puts on “Play That Funky Music, White Boy”. A more appropriate duel soundtrack if I’ve ever heard one. And indeed, two grown white men dance badly. There’s some sick perverted humor I get out of this, but not much. It doesn’t matter, though, because at the end of the first verse, George’s back goes out on him.

The kids decide that their friend Mr. Wilson’s excruciating pain is the PER-DIDDLY-ERFECT time to leave the room and play darts. Seriously, they all got this whim at the exact same time. Speaking of the exact same time, George has hobbled his way outside, with Grandpa following suit, explaining that he was just trying to help. “That’s what Dennis always says!” He sits back to rest, but his seat takes the form of a panel in the dartboard that pops out. The kids mistake George’s trousered ass for a giant balloon and fire no less than four darts in his butt! George finds the doctor and his patient and tells them that money is now officially no object, and they agree to meet at George’s house. George walks away, and GUESS THE FUCK WHAT? Carrot Top takes his makeup off, and he and the doctor drive away confident that they’re gonna take the Wilsons for every penny they’re worth.

See? Ugly gingers are evil.

The next day, George puts a “FOR SALE” sign up, but Martha thinks nothing of it. Dennis and his grandfather come out getting ready for a jog. George rejects their invitation to go with them, which Grandpa regrets since it would have given Dennis the chance to ride in an ambulance. This movie makes me want to ride an ambulance over my face.

And finally...FINALLY...we get a name for Grandpa: Johnson. I truly believe that, toward the end of filming, they realized that they never named the old fart, so they just tacked on a couple scenes with the word “Johnson” in them. Isn’t that what they did with Keyser Soze?

Anyway, they announce that they’re going to the swimming pool later. When they leave, Martha accuses George of being jealous of ol’ Johnson.

George: Martha...when was the last time we went to a swimming pool?

Martha: ...Our honeymoon.

George: Doesn’t a nice, quiet day at the swimming pool sound restful?

Oh, George, you silly man. A swimming pool in the summertime is to quiet as Al Snow is to entertaining wrestling. (Man, if only Mick Foley read this, he’d appreciate that.) Of course, the entirety of the No Girls Allowed Club, Horrible Straight-to-Video Release Chapter, is at the swimming pool, so Margaret obviously stalked them and is wearing everything an average person wouldn’t wear to a swimming pool—sunglasses, pink robe, large pink sun hat, and a successful future as a child actress...oh, wait. Yet again, Alexa comes by and...I can’t say “cockblocks” Margaret because, well, they don’t have cocks, not to mention that there’s also a 15-year age minimum for cockblockery. Well, the female preteen equivalent of cockblocking. Whatever it’s called, Alexa did it.

George and Martha arrive at the pool, and my favorite part of the movie is a split-second portion where a beach ball comes right at George’s head, and he promptly swats it away without even so much as moving his eyes. Bless you, Don Rickles. The second George sits down...

Margaret: Mr. Wilson, we need to talk.

George: Huh? What? What?!

Margaret: I need your advice on how to make Dennis quit being such a poophead and pay attention to me.

George: You want my advice? Run. Go as far away from him as you can. Save yourself while there’s still time.

Margaret has taken off her hat, and I am now noticing that she’s pretty much all forehead. Margaret does what she does best and whines about Dennis, saying that they were meant to be together and her heart will go on and she’s not a girl, not yet a woman or some shit like that, I’m just trying my best to put my mind on autopilot whenever I hear this girl’s voice. She asks Mr. Wilson what she’s supposed to do to get Dennis to follow her every whim. His response?

Mr. Wilson: How the hell should I know?!

I might be falling in love with Don Rickles. I know that it’s edited and there’s no little girl there for his takes in this scene, but seriously, I wish people would give that answer to clueless children more often.

Margaret tells them that Alexa gets Dennis’ attention with bugs and things, and Martha tells her that a woman’s got to share a man’s interests. And if she doesn’t, do the next best thing—fake it. Margaret confidently leaves Mr. Wilson the fuck alone. Alas, George’s peace is short-lived, as Grandpa Johnson shows up on the diving board, which sets up Grandpa Johnson’s Stuntman to do a perfect dive from a ten-foot diving board. George decides that psshfuck, a retarded giraffe could do that, so he heads for the diving board. Martha tries to stop him with some stupid shit called “logic” or something, saying that he “hasn’t been on a diving board in 40 years blah blah blah buy The Golden Girls on DVD”.

By the way, don’t buy The Golden Girls on DVD. Don’t ask why—I just told you not to, so don’t.

Anyway, George gets onto the diving board and gingerly makes his way to the edge.

Little Girl: Hey, mister! Hurry up!

George: ...Shut up, kid, huh?

Dennis points Mr. Wilson out to everyone in the free world. George decides to just do a simple swan dive, but slips, lands on his ass, then splashes into the pool belly-first. Everyone applauds, and I’m sure George would be, too, if he wasn’t GUESS THE FUCK WHAT, being loaded into an ambulance. Of course, Dennis rides along. And of course, he turns on the siren.

Later in the week, George shoos Martha out of the house through the back way so that the “doctor/professor” can arrive through the front. And look, he’s brought a friend who also looks strangely like Carrot Top. This time, he’s dressed like an Indian. No, no, that’s a Native American. I may be a prick, but at least I’m politically-correct. No, Toppers is supposed to be a professor from New Delhi, no-doubt pissing off New Delhians just by being associated in some way with Carrot Top.

Before anything can be done, however, a physical must be performed, and I cannot accurately describe the next scene without mentioning the words “creepy”, “short”, “badly-acted”, and “Dikembe Mutumbo”. The “doctors” tell George that he has almost no time to live, and that his only hope is “the Kamazu root”, a rare plant usually used only by Chinese heads of state to keep them from dying, as they boil the root and drink the resulting tea. I always hated tea.

...There’s no punch line to that. I just hate tea.

Before George can write out a $10,000 check (seriously, that’s how much they charge him for a fucking ROOT), Dennis CONVENIENTLY shows up on his bike/wagon combination vehicle (dressed for all the world like the world’s youngest gay cowboy) and reveals that he CONVENIENTLY has a root just like the one they’re trying to sell him! He reveals that they grow by a bridge in town; the “doctors” “celebrate” so as not to make George think he was almost had. George leaves to brew some dirt tea as the two con-men prepare to kill a small child. Before they can, Dennis shows them one more plant in a bag. The Other Murray grabs it and destroys it before rubbing his face in frustration. Dennis muses that GUESS THE FUCK WHAT, he just coated himself in poison ivy. Dennis rides away and Carrot Top laughs. Leaving the dermatologist, the Professor (as he calls himself) looks on the bright side—they still have George hooked.

Later, George brews his tea to the olfactory misery of his wife. The Placebo Effect takes hold of George, as he feels happier and younger than ever. Good for him, I sez. We even get a small montage of him washing his car (with handy self-soaping hose/brush mechanism) with You Make Me Feel So Young. Times, they are indeed good. Now, you’re probably wondering why I mentioned a car-washing montage. Well, keep readin’, Skippy...

Meanwhile, the members of the No Girls Allowed Club, 80%-of-Us-Will-Never-Be-Heard-From-Again Chapter are building a dam. Uh, kids? I know you’re ugly as sin and everything, but you’re not beavers. We’re humans. We have BUILDINGS. OK, some of us don’t have that luxury and are forced to live in, for instance, pies, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, Margaret shows up and announces that she has a new collection of “bugs”. Of course, since Margaret is a whiny little ugly prima donna ginger bitch thing and wouldn’t touch a real bug if it meant saving her acting career, her “bugs” consist of a dish cleaner, a turtle with false antennae tied to its head, and a crab that she claims to be “the biggest spider in the world”. The boys, being boys, love the collection. Alexa Vega, being a girl, isn’t fooled.

Alexa Vega: A spider with claws?!

Margaret: The claws are fooorrrrr...swinging through the trees in the jungle!

Margaret claims that she’s gonna need help getting these bugs home for their “naps”, and Dennis volunteers. The boys proclaim that Dennis has gone to The Dark Side, and guess who gets the Line of the Movie.

Alexa Vega: Just like a boy—fall for a girl just because she’s got big bugs.

The writers were on crack. There’s no other explanation.

Later, Mr. Mitchell (sans pipe, if you can believe THAT shit) is on a ladder in his garage. On a shelf in front of him, one can clearly see a bottle of pink car-wash soap. Then, Mrs. Mitchell comes into the garage and asks him to put away some supplies from the fireman’s carnival, including a very prominent pink bottle of cotton candy mix. I’ll reserve my time-out because we’re only, like, 40 minutes into this tripe. Anyway, Old Man Johnson comes into the garage looking like he was gang-molested by every tree in the Amazon. Having just come back from a walk in the woods with his grandson, it doesn’t look like he can keep up with Dennis much longer. His daughter says that the campout they had planned in the backyard is cancelled, but since it’s not her campout and she has no say in the matter and she has no business butting her nose into that kind of matter in the first damn place, it’s still on. Gramps emphasizes that he promised Dennis, and he won’t break a promise.

So, they have the campout, and the next morning, Johnson looks like the shit that shit shits. George comes out and rubs Johnson’s face in the fact that the tables have officially turned—while Dennis has worn his grandfather out, George feels like a million bucks. And if the movie ended here, I would give it two thumbs up. Unfortunately, we got more wacky wild fun-loving family comedy to go.

Here be the “professors”. As George shoos his wife into the kitchen and asks her to make pretty much every breakfast known to man, he runs up to the “doctors” and informs them that the root worked like a charm. They, however, have discovered a breakthrough; they’ve brought a large machine with them, and George offers his garage for them to hook it up. Before we see what it is, however, here comes Our Friendly Neighborhood White Preteen Urkel. As the grown-ups close the garage door in his face, Dennis does what every child in America should do and takes out the trash. Of course, being an idiot child, he swings the bag OVER HIS HEAD and it bursts open on his grandfather’s car hood behind him.

How did this little fucktard make it to the second grade? Who fucked who in the ass to get this kid into elementary school? Seriously, does he even know the alphabet? Can he SPELL “alphabet”?

Meanwhile, the doctors unveil their new Youth Machine, declaring to be “the culmination of all their research”. A bit of bad editing takes us to the demonstration: they put a tired, half-dead old plant in the seat of the machine, pull a few switches, flicker some lights on and off, and the plant is now vibrant and full of life. The Professor convinces George that using it on himself (not to mention his wife) will change his life forever. George goes to get his checkbook without so much as a second thought. Now alone, Carrot Top marvels at the Professor’s magic trick.

Out of nowhere, the garage door starts opening. Dennis’ attempts as using a weak garden hose to clean grandpa’s car proved futile, so he took the garage door-opener from the car. They don’t actually show him taking the garage door-opener, but that’s my story and you’re sticking to it. Dennis says he needs to borrow George’s car-washing machine, and the con artists just give it to him to make him go away.

Anyway, remember when I told you about George washing his car? And remember when I said he used one of those brushes with the hose built-in so that you can pump soap into it? And remember when I said that Mr. Mitchell very, VERY stupidly put a pink bottle of cotton candy mix right the hell beside a pink bottle of car-washing soap?

Why don’t you go ahead and put two and two together there, Slappy Wag?

George returns with his checkbook, but The Professor proves himself to be the stupidest conman ever when he says that he’s gonna give George a trial run with the machine, charging him nothing if it doesn’t work. Ah, but he quickly forces me to retract that statement by saying that they’ll just need a small security deposit—10% of the machine’s value, to the tune of 15,000 smackerinos. (Is that what the kids say these days? “Smackerinos?” I hate kids, so I’m not up with the times.)

Anyway, you know what happens with the car: the car-washing machine creates cotton candy, it malfunctions, the top pops off (after Dennis tries to “turn if off”, even though he’s clearly not pushing the button at all), and cotton candy covers the entirety of the backyard, a sight that no doubt forces Willy Wonka to cum in his pants. George opens the garage door, which causes the three men to get covered in the pink goop (it’s hard to make a sperm joke with the stuff is pink, y’know...short of a “bloody testicle” joke, but there’s nothing funny about THAT) .

Somehow, someway, the cotton candy hose that Dennis is holding has enough force to destroy the Youth Machine (which, even as a physicist, I can say right now with about 100% certainty is completely and utterly impossible); The Professor is livid and demands recompense, even though he’s got a check in his hand from George Wilson to the tune of $15,000. But hey...movies...logic...not exactly a marriage. In the distance are sirens, and the conmen decide to make like a banana and split, but not before the car-washing machine decides to explode right in front of them. Yes, it EXPLODES. Like, say, a balloon full of chili. As fire trucks and passersby drive up, two large men in two very messy pink jumpsuits hop into the conmen’s car and drive away. The firemen, being public servants, decide to eat their way onto the property.

Pretty much everyone in the free world then comes out, and we have one big Exposition...um...exposition. Johnson’s understandably pissed, as is Mr. Wilson since Dennis forced him to lose his deposit at world-record pace. Mr. Mitchell sends Dennis to his room while the adults rant. George has had enough; he publicly declares the boy a “living disaster”, then tells Martha to get matches so they can burn their house down and collect the money from the insurance.

George: No, wait...better yet! We’ll get Dennis, we’ll give him the matches, tell him to be careful and then step back!

Mr. Mitchell has been brainstorming this whole time and comes up with an idea on the fly because he’s 50’s dad and this whole fucking thing is stupid: the Wilsons will move out, and Dennis’ grandfather will move into their house. That way, the Wilsons are away from Dennis forever, and Johnson is close to Dennis without actually having to be close. Johnson’s apprehensive since, well, he’ll be living next door to Dennis for the rest of his life, and George is pissed again since Johnson’s gonna be living in his house (the same house, mind you, that he just wanted to burn down a second ago). Even though both men completely disagree with the idea, Mitchell proudly says “OK, then! It’s a deal!”.

I’m trying very hard not to use my last time-out here. If this guy was a bigger asshole, the entire planet Earth would fall right through him. I want him to die. I want him to bleed out after being raped repeatedly with a dildo that has a 14” circumference and rusted spikes protruding out of it. I want to take his goddamn douche-ass smoking pipe, shove it up his peehole, pour gasoline into the tobacco hole and ignite it. I want to do other really, really not-nice things to him.

OK, so I didn’t use my time-out, but I was penalized for delay of game. I don’t know why I keep track of this shit since I can say and do pretty much whatever I want in here; I guess I do it to keep myself entertained. And, of course, I know how much you guys like your stats.

Anyway, up in his room, Dennis has been watching the entire time and laments Mr. Wilson’s impending move. Why is this noteworthy? Because his bedroom window is closed. Which means there’s no way he could have possibly heard the conversation. Sigh.

The next day, Dennis wants to go to Mr. Wilson’s, but his dad forbids it. Apparently, turning the entirety of two backyards into a big pink cloud is frowned upon, and Dennis has been grounded. Dennis tries to plead his case, asking if he can go over if Mr. Wilson is in grave danger and completely helpless, but his dad cuts him off every time. The Professor, posing as the mailman, passes by and, when the Mitchell men are out of sight, celebrates with Carrot Top (who, I should mention, also has yet to be named, and won’t be until the very end of the movie), who is hiding under fake mail. The two conmen practically orgasm as they realize that they can now concentrate on George Wilson without having to worry about the human zit on the dick of life that is Dennis Mitchell.

On the other side of the house, Mr. Mitchell finally relents and allows Dennis to go over the Mr. Wilson’s only on the following conditions:

A) Mr. Wilson is in “real bad danger”,

B) No one else is around,

C) Mr. Wilson hollers for help,

D) Mr. Wilson is hanging on by one finger, and

E) Dennis and only Dennis can save him.

Well, why stop there? Why not include that, on top of all that, George has to be singing Carry On, Wayward Son on a kazoo sticking out of his ass, AND before going over, Dennis must recite all fifty state capitals in reverse alphabetical order while drinking a glass of water and reciting the entirety of Beowulf in sign language? I mean, Christ.

So, after Mr. Mitchell leaves, DENNIS GOES OVER TO MR. FUCKING WILSON’S HOUSE. Well, OK, he stays outside the fence, but he should still stay away on principle. He apologizes (sort of) to Mr. Wilson for destroying his Youth Machine. He then commences The World’s Worst Guilt Trip Speech, wishing that the Wilsons weren’t moving. His mother summons him back into the house, and for some reason that will forever be unknown to me, Justin Cooper’s horrible acting causes the Wilsons to have second thoughts. While Martha continues to doubt, George says that it’s finally time to move on. Besides, Dennis needs a grandfather close to him; George laments that he’s only a next-door neighbor.

...Um, I just thought of something. Where are George and Martha moving? I mean, yeah, they talked about that retirement facility at the beginning of the movie, but is that what they’re doing? They never mentioned it. They just said “We’re moving”. And that’s it. They didn’t mention a house or the retirement home or Rikers or anything like that.

The next day, the conmen arrive incognito as termite inspectors and con Wilson out of $200 by saying that they legally have to check the house for infestations before the house can be sold. After about five minutes, they tell the Wilsons that they have more problems than a Britney Spears Fan Club meeting, and that they can’t sell the house until all problems are corrected. They then offer to call any contractors to correct said problems. We then get a new montage, this time of the two conmen continuously appearing at the Wilsons’ doorstep in decreasingly-convincing costumes. You’d think George would notice that these guys look eerily similar to each other. At least Scrubs once did a decent job at being a live-action cartoon. This is just...sad.

While George is in the attic reminiscing on all the havoc Dennis has caused, Dennis is outside in his gay cowboy outfit.

Dennis: Today can’t get any more rotten.

Margaret: *walks up in a tutu*

Hey, this is your fault for saying that, kid.

Meanwhile, at the No Girls Allowed Club, Insert-Your-Own-Damn-Witty-Title-Here-Because-It’s-11:00-at-Night-and-I-Have-to-Wake-Up-at-5:30-Tomorrow-Morning-for-a-Two-Hour-Commute Chapter, the remaining members try to figure out ways to separate Dennis and Ugly Ginger Bitch, from holding her cat hostage to giving her measles. Alexa then deduces that, since Ugly Ginger Bitch really hates bugs, they’ll confront her with the biggest, nastiest bug they can find. A good plot, to be sure.

Meanwhile, Margaret and Dennis have a tea time. Coupled with his outfit, I have deduced that Dennis Mitchell is, in point of fact, a homosexual seven-year-old. No other explanation.

Oh, and the kids’ big idea for the “biggest, nastiest bug they can find”? Dennis’ dog, Ruff, dressed in aluminum foil. Ugly Ginger Bitch then gives off the World’s Most Unconvincing Horrified Scream, and Ruff chases her cat. They chase after the dog and cat, with Dennis stopping right at the threshold of Mr. Wilson’s property. Writing all this makes me feel like I’m booking a 2000 episode of WCW Monday Nitro.

The animals head to the attic and scare the living bejesus out of George, which causes him to fall out of the window behind him and hang on to a gutter. Dennis is ecstatic because all but one of his dad’s criteria is filled: to go to Mr. Wilson’s house, Mr. Wilson has to be hanging on by only one finger. Much to Dennis’ dismay, Mr. Wilson is holding on by both hands.

He’s also very clearly standing on a platform, the way he’s hanging off. But what do I know? I’m just a human with two working eyes.

Anyway, in a matter of three seconds, Mr. Wilson’s gone all the way down to one finger, and Dennis is on the move. One of the kids in the attic has the unmitigated gall to call out “Mr. Wilson, what are you doing out there?” as Dennis stands on a scaffold that the conmen built and throws George a makeshift lasso, catching his foot. As this moronic seven-year-old (who doesn’t know a spider from a crab, mind you) sets up a PULLEY SYSTEM to get Mr. Wilson down, the conmen attempt to escape.

OK, I’m just gonna summarize from here because I wanna get this done.

George gets covered in cement, The Other Murray attempts to run away with all of his checks, Dennis slingshots a marble into his ass (just go with it), the marble hits him with enough velocity that, not only does it practically cause his overalls to EXPLODE in the posterior region, it sends him flying onto a police car which is being driven by the police chief, being played by—get ready for this shit—GEORGE WENDT. Dennis thinks girls are yucky again, the conmen are apprehended, Dennis’ grandpa decides he wants his motor home back so he can take Dennis to the Grand Canyon as promised, George decides not to move away, and we finish with firemen pulling Grandpa Johnson out of the Grand Canyon with a crane. The final shot is of George watching this on the news, then looking into the camera (for no reason at all, because his wife is about a yard to his immediate left and thus has zero reason whatsoever to look at the camera) and saying “He’s a menace.”

And like shit down a hill, the credits roll.

Like I said, Don Rickles tried, but toward the end of the movie, you can kinda tell that he realized that this wasn’t exactly gonna be a good movie in the strictest sense. So, if you ever saw this in the bargain bin at Wal*Mart and you were curious as to whether or not it’d be worth five of your hard-earned dollars, feel better knowing that your $5.00 went to something more useful, like toilet paper.

Oh, and since I know you were anxious to know, Carrot Top’s name in this movie was “Sylvester”. You can sleep now.

This article was done by Matt Briner

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