|
We’ve selected the new president of our country, but who cares!? Teenage angst is hitting the big screen!
What could that mean you ask? Well, in a few weeks we’ll be treated to the delight of Twilight, the extraordinary teen girl fetish novel finally getting a silver screen adaptation worthy of other literary epics. Critics are in outrage of this movie saying that the story itself is filth, but I respectfully disagree. After all, this movie teaches young women a very important lesson: to expect disappointment.
For those new to the series it’s about a girl, and her sleeping with a vampire. Sure there’s more to it than that, but that’s moot. Just because a book is five hundred pages doesn’t mean the plot can’t be summed up in a paragraph and a half. That’s what Wikipedia is there for anyway.
To color this description up, the central theme to the story is that she’s a human, and he’s a vampire, thus fated love. Wait a minute… this sounds familiar. Not just Romeo & Juliet familiar… or West Side Story familiar… Oh that’s right; it’s the same plot as High School Musical! Just replace the whole high school clique motif with the living undead. Wait, does this movie endorse necrophilia? Delicious.
Now the male lead vampire whose name is… uh… let’s go with Smithy wants to eat the girl… um… Smithy-ina, but he can’t. He’s a vegan vampire or something. Watching his ghoulish figure? He’s essentially on Weight Watchers for the mythological and evil. However she’s like crack drizzled on top of a juicy stake to him, so he can’t stand being around her, but like all fated love stories their raw sexual magnetism pulls them together. So then he falls in love, and bangs her to the point of almost crippling her. It’s like rape, but… not? Necrophilia and rape? This is a movie for young adults right?
So besides Smithy, there are other vampires, and they um… does their existence really matter? This movie already has hot, angst filled teens making out and being socially awkward and unaccepted; everyone else is completely expendable. Cousin Smitho: who cares? Uncle McSmithy: unimportant. Evil Vampire Bizarro Smithy: necessary only to retain the semblance of a plot. This movie is all about the tragic ill-fated romance between the troubles teens (though there’s no real misfortune to be found). The draw is the epic love we can find only on the CW. Forget the fact that she’s frenching a living corpse and that Smithy shines in the sunlight. Ignore that it’s the same theme that’s been presented since the late 1500’s. We have to love what this film and novel does: it makes women completely dependent on a penis to control their life. Some might advocate female independence, but it takes a true housewife to let us all know that all we need is an obscenely rich and hot teen cutie to save us. After all most girls bag one of those right?
The time has come to prepare for the lines of girls waiting to experience shortness of breath and perhaps small preteen heart attacks at the sight of Smithy on the big screen. It’ll be like Star Wars, but with vampires.
That last statement isn’t nearly as cool as it probably should be.
Regardless, we can all experience the glory of a five hundred page book reduced to ninety minutes, which is what we all want. With the media revival of vampires in our culture it’s time we make them blindly unfaithful to their origins to make them appealing to children. Forget the whole unholy living dead thing, make them sparkly and brooding! I can’t wait for this movie, and I’ve already got my tickets!
… Oh God no I’m not seeing the movie; I just have the tickets. I’m hoping the opening show is sold out, and two little girls flip out and create a state of emergency that requires police brutality to stop. I know I’d bring the SWAT team to combat preteen estrogen rage.
Terry Ash’s Reality Show Pitch of the Week: Celebrities are constantly being added to poorly rated reality shows to encourage people to watch it. After all we’re all pleased to see how far Screech from Saved by the Bell has fallen. We’ve seen Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Wrestling, and Celebrity Apprentice, but while they may trust Danny Bonaduce to run their company and give them safe DDTs, I don’t trust him to prepare my five star meals. Thus for my celebrity cross over with Hell’s Kitchen, it’s going to be on a much smaller scale.
We’ll get a few celebrities, buy a spot of land in Detriot, and open up our own fast food chain with Gordon Ramses as our wacky host. We’ll get some washed up celebrities, give them paper hats, and make them work the drive thru as the head chef berates them. Tell me right now you wouldn’t pay to see Gordon Ramses slap a box of French fries out of Gary Busey’s hands just because he put too much salt on them. Enjoy America as we witness the utter bliss that will be “Would You Like Fries With That?”
And that’s going to be it from Terry Ash this week my peeps and peepettes. This was Hollywood Genocide; the place to get the only news that really matters.
 |
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Show/Hide comments
). 
Show/Hide comment form
