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A twenty year drought for a major city’s sports team might finally come to an end, but who cares? St. Bono got caught cheating with girls his daughter’s age!
Yes, according to the associated press, or the Weekend Update, or whoever does the news, pictures are surfacing of Bono from U2 fame getting comfortable with two women clad in bikinis that are no older than the lead singer’s own daughter! It’s Bono! In a scandal! SCANDAL! This is absolutely unbelievable! I mean he’s supposedly untouchable! I’m frothing at the mouth at this news and—
Actually this news story sucks. Turns out they’re just friends as every party admits, and Bono was more or less just being cool to his fans. He’s not cheating on his wife. He’s not sleeping with any of his daughter’s friends. In fact after the photo he probably donated his left kidney to some foundation. He’s that freaking amazing!
I mean come on! It’s bad enough that man guilt trips me with each album into buying special light bulbs and cleaning oil spills! Why can’t he be like ever other sinful human and just fuck up!? You’re a rock star! Cheat on your wife! Start injecting heroine into the tip of your penis! Kill a hooker already! Stop giving musicians a classy image damnit! This is just awful. Bono, it’s time for you to get interesting, but not in the Good Samaritan-Humanitarian of the Year way. No, it’s time to make you another product of media hatred, and I’ve got the perfect way to do it.
Start by flipping off someone in the paparazzi. Make sure you’ve got your daughter or your wife with you of course, or some woman. Now when they start taking pictures you need to get really angry. Get into a really thick Irish accent. Like disgustingly thick. Like a regular Shamus O’Patrick after about a case of Guinness. He should start shouting obscenities at the photographers now, stumbling a little, but here’s where it gets good. See the photographer should say something neutral like “I’m just doing my job” which will make Bono flip right the fuck out. He’ll start screaming (most of it audible) with “Don’t you know who I am” being a very clear line. Once he says that, it’s time for him to whip out his penis.
No, this won’t be a classy storyline. So, Bono now has his manhood dangling in front of him, drunk and angry off his ass, as his daughter has to watch her father stumble around shouting “I’m fucking Bono! Don’t you know who I am!?” The more times he stumbles and falls, the better. Eventually just end with policemen cuffing the U2 star as he likes mutters something racist. Perhaps about Hispanics, but whoever he gets will be fine. Now that’s a front page news story; not that silly “Rock Star Takes Photo with Girls”. A musician taking photos with scantily clad women? Heaven forbid!
Damn you and your immunity, Bono! Damn you!
Moving away from infallible prophets who play guitar, we’re going starting to see the casualties of the ratings war very soon. Every year our treasured garbage, our “Geico Cavemen”, must come and go, and this year we may say good-bye to some true classics. Like Valentine; the show about Greek gods playing match making. This show is being taken off the air because it’s really missing its true potential. Take it off the CW and put it on HBO to feature all the rape, sex, incest, transgender transforming, and drunken orgies that we expect for the gods of Greece! I know that I did love Britney during her seemingly never-ending train wreck, but her drama has nothing on the Greeks. Everyone had sex with everyone! Delicious!
Also leaving our precious broadcasts is Opportunity Knocks, a show where a studio sets up cameras in your home, and instead of accusations of racism and catfights over cheetos like all good reality shows have, these people host a game show with middle class America about their home, family, and whatever else is considered fascinating. Their dog I guess. Now if they wanted to keep this interesting then they’d take the concept, and get more entertaining families because this casual middle class suburban family “Ha-ha I looked at your diary” nonsense is not worth the time it takes for me to write it. Instead take the cameras to the shady homes where our father stumbles onto the set two hours late, wreaking of alcohol, and the first question to Little Timmy is “Do you know mommy wishes you were dead?” Now that’s good television!
Terry Ash’s Reality Show Pitch of the Week: The Amazing Race continues to win the Emmy for featuring intelligent viewing and promoting exotic locals that aren’t downtown Los Angeles like most reality programming. It’s the high brow reality show combining verbally abusive boyfriends with Africa, which is pretty unique, but I feel we could go a little bit further. Let’s remove the whole traveling motif and focus on the race. Now bear with me as I suggest creating a race of rage zombies to send after several teams of two with the only escape being a helicopter arriving a day later with enough room for one couple. It’s now The Amazing Race… for Survival. If zombies are too unrealistic for your tastes then just substitute it for pumas and really pissed off bears. It’s all the same.
Point is we don’t see the couples for their obvious gimmicks anymore. It’s not “the really close brothers” or “the endearing elderly couple” or “the gay guys”. Now it’s “which team will trip first?” Oops! There goes the single mom team! Guess we’re going to be giving the adoption agency some new business! I smell tie in!
And that’s it for Terry Ash for yet another week of drama and insanity. This is Hollywood Genocide; the place to get the only news that really matters.
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