Ladies and gentlemen the day of darkness approaches; a day of mischief and evil that comes but once a year and deserves its tribute. Whether it’s by the appreciation of the brutal murder styling of a man with a machete or a look back at the juvenile pranks of old we all pay our dues to the pumpkin holiday in one form or another. I come to give my respects with the return of The Countdown. However I am someone who hates the predictable.

While others may list their favorite bludgeoning scenes in any of the long running monster series or the most fearsome weapon that can be found in the kitchen, I’ll deliver something completely inappropriate for the season. Let me present to you, the Top Ten Most Adorable Kittens.

Let’s start The Countdown.

Okay, I’m not really going to do a list like that. I want to, but picking the cutest kitten is just too hard; I refuse to break hearts. I do however want to comment on the topic of the month which is of course, All Hallows Eve—or Halloween as it is also known as by the people who don’t like to make things sound more epic.

I’ve noticed coming into this article that people treat this month as something truly unique; it’s not just something you pass by with some chocolates, a costume, and a few laughs. Instead we get an event with a focus no matter where you turn because the popular consensus of Halloween can be shared in two main groups: People who love it, and people who hate it. The former is split into more than just one demographic as it encompasses the innocence of children who enjoy dressing up and walking the streets at night with other costumed tykes and relishing in the splendor of a mountain of sweets obtained completely for free, and the adults who love the mystique—the haunted vibe of the holiday of ghouls. It’s not about confectionary treats to them; it’s about scaring the living shit out of everyone you’ve ever met. Fun times.

The people who hate this festival are also two-fold. In one respect we have the old man with 9-1-1 already dialed into his phone, just waiting for the slight whisper of “TP” or “eggs” in the distance before he pushes the call button. The other people are those that hate the idea of another holiday being branded to sell crappy lawn ornaments and candy. When one man walks into a house covered by faux spider-webs and novelty gravestones he has to ask: “What the hell is this holiday about?”

This is where you’d expect me to start talking about how Halloween is some celebration done by some culture of old (likely the Pagans since they seem to get involved in everything) that celebrates something completely different. Well you won’t. First off, I don’t have the patience or research ethic to go and actually look up such a list of information, but second of all it’s stupid. If there’s one thing I hate it’s the people who go out of their way to condemn innocent fun. So what’s the point here? Well I want to share my thoughts on this holiday, and I suppose I should start precise: What are my thoughts on Halloween?

A pretty astounding meh.

Even as a child I was never all that big into Halloween. Candy is nice, but no one in 2nd grade liked me, so who cared!? Really, I wasn’t too upset to not go trick-or-treating again. I never got too into the spirit as I recall on one occasion throwing on a Jason Voorhees mask and a foam battle axe to go as “a scary person”. That’s how creative I was. As an adult all I care about a holiday is if I have off, but I just twisted my head towards my calendar and I will be at work on this Friday the 31st, so I am giving the big middle finger to this twilight of spirits and mischief.

Really though, I’m not much of a holiday person. Aside from Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day I don’t really celebrate the major holidays—the former because it’s mandatory after a bajillion years of Catholic high school, and the latter because I can drink. In fact I celebrate National Talk Like A Pirate Day more than Easter, but who doesn’t love a holiday where you don’t sound crazy for calling someone a slappywag? Er… less crazy I guess in retrospect. However my point is that holidays are to be taken with a grain of salt. It’s like a party—it exists, but you really only get anything out of it if you go and enjoy yourself. Logically with receiving an eviction notice to leave my home two days before Christmas with my stroke ridden mother I should have hated the most wonderful time of the year like cheesy Batman villain, but I still see the magic in the holiday. For Halloween however I’m indifferent.

To me, Halloween is that day of the year where I buy myself a Hershey’s bar and I indulge (fuck Nestle, it’s Pennsylvania love ya’ll!) It’s not a time when I normally get dressed up and party with friends, more so because I lack the party going companions--I enjoy the company of the Halo crowds. Go figure. Regardless people will make a case that Halloween is too commercial, and you’re right. I worked at retail during Halloween, and my store had a 10 foot cardboard castle surrounded by different licensed candies with a “horror” twist. Apparently if you color M&Ms Reese’s Pieces black, purple, and orange they’re completely different from the average bag. But can I blame a company for getting into the spirit?

No. I really want to say yes there, but why should I care if a company whores itself out to make an extra buck? This is America, and commercialism runs this country, and I love that. It would be both hypocritical and stupid to condemn Nestle and Mars for their evil chocolate themed crimes against humanity. A little off topic, but did you hear? A man was saved from a burning fire by a Kit-Kat bar!*

I am well aware that just because a store can charge twenty dollars for a talking skeleton doesn’t mean it should, but just like Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, and every other holiday now officially sponsored by Coca-Cola, it’s not about what you buy, but what you do. Valentine’s Day is about romance and treating your special someone to something as wonderful as they are. Christmas is about the unity and selfless giving over a need for a return. And Easter is all about uh… painting eggs? Okay, Easter sucks, but regardless it’s all perception. If you feel a holiday is convoluted with “Tasty Cakes presents Halloween” then don’t associate with that portion of the holiday.

Halloween in its essence is a holiday centered on product placement. “You’re going to a Halloween party? Don’t forget to bring your Blood Red Cherry Tootsie Rolls and your Gooey Brain Strawberry Jello Pudding in your Star Wars: Clone Wars plastic Clone Trooper uniform!” Homemade costumes work just as well, but like most holidays it’s about buying something. Go pay to watch whatever rendition of SAW is out to get your chills, or go to Gettysburg where supposedly the ghosts of the Civil War come alive. Or maybe that’s on Independence Day… not sure why it would matter; if I was a ghost you’d see my fat ass haunting where I died every night.

I don’t really like to dissect a holiday this much because it defeats the purpose. Call me apathetic (I clearly just did), but I don’t care to bitch about the completely trivial holidays. Point in case: Halloween is a time where we shed our perception on reality and welcome the idea of being scared or tricked. It’s not meaningful like Christmas or celebratory like St. Patrick’s Day, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s fun, and even though I don’t get into the spirit I still appreciate it. I may not hang a sign on my door for candy, and I won’t watch any horror movies, but you can rest assured that I’ll sit on my balcony to see if any of the girls from my apartment complex decided to dress as whores witches this Halloween.

I’ve got a quick question for everyone with this piece as well. Working in retail I asked myself this question, and was quite curious to the real answer. Can anyone tell me which holiday you think sells the most candy: Easter, Halloween, or St. Valentine’s Day? Leave a comment if you have an idea, and thanks for reading everyone. Happy Halloween.

*Give me a break people, there’s nothing else in Pennsylvania to cheer for. Go Giants!

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