After casually strolling across my vast conglomerate of internet news feeds, I enjoy watching the television and the bountiful messes of programming it presents. With hundreds of channels the potential to find the best show is sometimes difficult, so I tend to source a guide to help me find the premier viewing experience. Let’s see what’s on…

Frank TV: Oh, so I can watch John Madden, fat George Bush, fat Jack Nicholson, fat Al Pacino, or fat white Charles Barkley. I wonder if Jack Nicholson has ever been sitting at home watching this and saying “I am not that fat!”

The Biggest Loser: Watch fat people get skinny so they can feel better about themselves? Yawn! Tell me when they leave them stranded on an island and they start eating each other. The Biggest Survivor. I’d watch that.

Chocolate News: Dave Chappelle seems less funny. Oh, it’s not Dave Chappelle? This almost seems like the same concept, just without the brilliant writing. That of course means: Ratings Hit.

America’s Next Top Model: I don’t know what I would do without this show. How can a person survive without eighteen year old girls being told that have no modeling talent? Is their any greater drama in the world than taking a young lady’s dreams and crushing them while calling her old, fat, and unoriginal in the process? I can see why this show is on… it’s 11th season!? What joy!

South Park: This week on South Park, the scholar minds of Matt and Trey use a brilliant analogy to compare our struggling economy to having someone take a dump in your mouth!

Sarah Silverman Program: Maybe I should watch it. Time Magazine says she’s the next Richard Pryor. And while I’m working with so many good ideas, I should also start selling my organs for cash. They say you only need one kidney after all.

Scrubs: Well this show is pretty good. Nice characters, good morals, inappropriate music; yes, it’s an excellent show. I’ll just tune into NBC or Comedy Central or… TV Land? The station for old television shows?! Three hours earlier this station plays the Andy Griffith Show! I am so confused. When did a series that’s still running become a television classic?

Paris Hilton’s My New BFF: Really now? We can sit around and watch Paris Hilton try to find best friends that like her only for her money even more than Nicole Ritchie? Oh I hope one of the challenges for this show is “I’m wasted. Make sure I don’t have sex with this loser.” It would be so delicious.

Ghost Hunters: Three seasons later and they’ve still found… nothing. How is this still on the air?

The World Series: Sports!? Ewww!

The Countdown with Keith Olbermann: I absolutely adore this show. A man could walk into a school and shoot six kids, and Keith’s “Worst Person in the World” will still be Bill O’Reilly for making fun of Keith’s tie on the O’Reilly Factor.

Knight Rider: This show has success written all over it. With our country in such economic glory thanks completely to Regeanomics, and with Return of the Jedi on the horizon, we can absolutely believe this show will be success. Twenty five years from now though it would be just an awful idea, but who would be stupid to do that?

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll just go see a movie instead. I heard Beverly Hill Chihuahuas is fantastic. Number one movie in America, so how can it not be?

Terry Ash’s Reality Show Pitch of the Week: Similar in concept to Big Brother, one big house will host a mass of characters and personalities for weeks as each episode we say good-bye to a favorite who is evicted and forced to leave. Unlike Big Brother however, we’re taking advantage of our struggling economy, and it’s not a fight to win money, it’s a fight to stay off the street. Yes, we take the homeless, give them a home, then violently rip it out from underneath them because we had a scary movie trivia contest and they forgot what camp Jason Voorhees haunted. We’ll call it… Foreclosure.

And that’s going to be it from Terry Ash this week. This is Hollywood Genocide; the place to get the only news that really matters.