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Doomsday theories, and economic crises run rampant, but who cares?! Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again!
Oops she did it again, but correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t the mother of all train wrecks little sister still pregnant? It’s like she gave birth and then immediately had another kid shoved up her uterus. Truth be told little Spears did give birth to a beautiful baby who cares, but before she could even strap that kid into the car seat she found an unstoppable sensation for passion flow through her. So now we have a second little media blessing in the Spears-Douchebag family and I for one am… not feeling delicious.
It’s true that all manners of that which are dramatic, interesting, and most importantly inflammatory are my reasons for living, but this poor girl now has to go through child birth again. People are going to hound on her left and right for making the same mistake twice. The media will glorify her pregnancy once again as the morals of teen pregnancy and underage sex come into fire; further dividing a crippled nation of the just and unjust. But that really doesn’t matter. I’m upset because it took her this long. And it was with the same guy.
There is so much missed potential here. Instead of just getting knocked up… again, and giving birth under scrutiny and journalistic gunfire, she should have gotten pregnant on the car ride home from the hospital with some random stranger—perhaps the cab driver but maybe not, and then catch a shot of her wearing sunglasses to disguise her identity (Clark Kent would be proud) walking into an abortion clinic carrying a “sack full of money”. That’s a story right there. We could spice this up even further by having it be some back alley abortionist, and Jamie Lynn carrying her first baby along with her. Oh my, that would be a good story.
Still I have to give credit where credit is due. Britney started to piece her life back together because for some strange reason she hates the media constantly bashing her, but her sister seems more than capable to pick her sister’s share of incompetence. Where Britney said “No more! I want to start contributing to society once again!” her little sister said “You can get pregnant again? Narf?!”
Speaking of the criminally marketable teens, the cast of High School Musical have finally finished filming for the third and final installment of their much beloved series about teens singing violently inappropriately about erm… love and boys and hopscotch or whatever Disney’s vision of high school is like. Had High School Musical been performed at my Alma Mater there would be at least one song about teen pregnancy. Regardless, this story of love, betrayal, and bitchy-ness is about to conclude it’s trilogy with the only full screen broadcast of the series. When the final day of shooting concluded it was time for the tearful good-byes.
Yes, it was like leaving high school again (except ten years older) and tears ran rampant. All the quasi-teens sobbed as they realized this gravy train was slowly chugging to a halt. Sure each kid will probably gross an easy couple million off of this film alone that’s sure to open like a Star Wars prequel except the people outside will know what it’s like to have sex. If you were the stars of this franchise and had to watch it slowly ending then you to would panic as you realize that any day now you would have to find new work. At least Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Huggins have successful music careers to back up on. Oh wait…
Well maybe if Vanessa keeps leaking naked photos then she won’t have to worry about doing any real work for awhile.
Rather alarming news comes to my attention though as Dancing With The Stars has officially creamed Sunday Night Football in the ratings. Yes the two shows don’t bump heads, but thank God they don’t because I don’t think our beloved slug fest could stand up to Cloris Leachman dancing the Paso Doble.
18.6 million VS 13.1 million. What are the men in America doing? I know that we’re outnumbered, but by this much? Now I don’t watch much football unless Jessica Simpson is in the stands, but I’m outraged to know that we are not doing the world justice. After all, if people aren’t watching, what will Terrel Owens have to cry about?
A bigger crime here is the ratings that Dancing With The Stars have. Yes it’s adorable, old people dancing, etc. etc., I get the picture. Problem is I’m curious to find where the stars are. Let’s run through the remaining cast. Let’s see… Lance Bass? From N*Sync? The Fat One? Wait… Fat One… Fatone... Damnit! It’s not even the Fat One! Okay let’s keep going… Cloris Leachman. Yeah, because she’s been relevant for the last twenty some years. Moving on. Warren Sapp. Warren Sapp? Warren Sapp!? That’s where all the football players are! It all makes sense now!
Truth be told however I don’t much care about all of these silly “celebrity” shows since we’re never going to get real celebrities there. Our next season of Dancing With The Stars will probably be Artie Lange, the guy who played Tommy on the Power Rangers, Kristen Johnston from 3rd Rock From the Sun, and uh… Steely McBeam from the Pittsburgh Steelers. Not a lot, but that show couldn’t literally be held up on those four people right? Unless Steely McBeam really has some moves…
Terry Ash’s Reality Show Pitch of the Week: Dancing With Celebrity Rehab. All the drama of our favorite wash ups trying to overcome heroine addictions combined with our simplistic joy of seeing people we’ve seen once on television doing other things. Now imagine if you will seeing Bridget Neilson dancing the samba, but it’s not that simple. See, for each dance a vial of crack is hung in the air, and the higher the score the lower it drops. Lie to me know and tell me you wouldn’t love to see Chyna going through withdraw during the Quickstep. Almost as good as watching her get shot in the crotch, but that would require me to admit watching Reality Bites, and we won’t be doing that.
And with that, I’m signing off until next time. This is Hollywood Genocide, the place to get the only news that really matters.
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