The election heats up as one candidate shoots forward passed the other, but who cares, we got OJ!

Yes, white people around the world silently high fived each other as the menace that is OJ Simpson is finally going to receive life in prison. After escaping one loud mouth’s insensitive vocabulary before, we finally got to see the former football star turned “actor” get his comeuppance. Some call it karma, others call it justice, but I call this good TV. When I recollect on this I’m reminded of those stories of men getting out prison and then getting right back in. Some return because they can’t survive on the “outside” anymore, but others are just dumb. OJ falls into the latter, but the fact that he avoided a life sentence last time has made this a truly unique case.

The combined efforts of Jesus, Buddah, and Chuck Norris all united to put you in jail, but Optimus Christ gives you a get out of jail free card. Logically what you would do with this is work some piss poor job—maybe in radio, until you have enough money to move to some distant island where you’ll never bother anyone again. Instead OJ did the famous person equivalent of getting out of jail and then going right back in after he drives over to his friend’s house and assaults him to get back his X-Box games. I have to say the irony is delicious here, but I almost wish OJ had received another acquittal so we could see what heinous crimes he undoubtedly would have committed next. No one can tell me they wouldn’t have liked to have seen this news story:

“OJ is going to jail after being convicted of assault. That attack came after Simpson got so high on heroine that he ran around the streets naked proclaiming that slavery was a lie, and that we was the 2^nd coming of Christ. He then wrapped a stray cat around him like a towel and proceeded to tell the officer that his mother is a whore before throwing in a cheap shot jab to the mouth. OJ was quickly taken down and then cried the entire way to the police station. And not just man crying, but complete 16 year old girl ‘I’m ugly, no one loves me’ crying.”

Absolutely delicious.

Sad news to report however now that the long time romantic couple Hugh Heffner and Holly Madison of “The Girl’s Next Door” fame has officially split. What troubling times we must be in America when destined love like an eighty-three year old pervert can’t stay together with a twenty-eight year old blonde with high knockers?! This truly makes me contemplate if love still does exist in our world as if they can’t make it, who can?! People with similar interests who don’t run a pornographic magazine? Impossible! Those couples will never work! Of course I kid because we all knew “The Hef” wasn’t going to tie the knot again when he’s older than room temperature with the heat on. As for these girls being “boyfriend/girlfriend” with the Playboy mogul, I have to wonder who believes that lie. I’m sure Hef is genuinely a nice guy, but girls come on. You either marry him quickly and sex him into a heart attack, or you just flirt with him to pay your cell phone bill. Geez, don’t girls today know how to play the efficient gold dig?

Christian Slater plays an average man with his family and kids who lives a secret double life unknown to even him as a special agent who fights crime, terrorists, and saves the American people! However the two sides are now flip flopping with neither side now being able to accomplish the other parts duties. This sounds like a silly comedy movie doesn’t it, but it’s not. I love the idea of this show because I can finally get my fall show cancellation pool back working. I had Cavemen going only on for five weeks last time, so let’s see if I can’t improve my record! Seriously Christian Slater, when in production did you think this was a unique novelty that will sell? Was it when they pitched the idea to you by asking if you’ve ever seen The Cleaner with Cedric the Entertainer? To turn an idea that was once a comedy staring one of the “Kings of Comedy” into a gripping and driving drama like 24 makes me chuckle with glee! I’m giving his series seven weeks. I know, I know, it’s a lot, but I’m compensating to make up for last year. Damn you Chuck. Wait a minute! Chuck! That’s the show that this is exactly like except without the hot blonde girl!

Speaking of shows done before, let’s welcome the “real” housewives once again. First they were in Orange County, then New York. Now they’re in Atlanta, and they’ve got sass! For those that don’t watch the series, it’s more or less about nothing. I’ve tried watching it, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to watch. Oh wait hold on… the fat one was kinda bitchy back there. Well that chowder head waiter did bring her the wrong bottle of sangria.

Moving the show down south could potentially make this… a show, but they’re doing it all wrong. They need to bring beneath the Mason Dixon line, but they need to stop showing us the upper class. This brings me to….

Terry Ash’s Reality Show Pitch of the Week: The REAL Housewives of the South features four morbidly obese forty some women facing the real challenges of living in a little southern town of charm. I have a clip for you actually.

Mary Casey Anne Lynch: “You little shit! You fucked up the list!”

Badger: “I’m so sorry mama!”

Mary Casey Anne Lynch: “I wanted Mint Cookie Crunch but you got me Mint Chocolate Chip! I’m gonna whoop the stupid outta ya!”

*Mary Casey Anne Lynch then proceeds to beat her son Badger with a jar of mustard for the next thirty minutes.*