Hollywood Genocide Episode 2

Written by Rollo T

Friday, 03 October 2008 23:07

The potential leaders of the strongest country in the world are debating the points that will dictate the future of millions of lives, but who cares? People are coming out of the closet!

Hey peeps, it is Terry Ash here once again with Hollywood Genocide, the place to get the only news that really matters.

Well, it is official: Clay Aiken is gay. In other alarming news, the sky is blue, kittens are furry, Hitler was bad, and the cow goes moo. Oh wait hold on; other celebrities have taken to Aiken’s open honesty to reveal their greatest secrets! Good Lord! Samuel L. Jackson has indeed confirmed that he is black! Jessica Alba has announced that she has female genitalia, and Tom Cruise has officially made clear that he is very crazy. And uncontrollably queer. Okay, maybe Tom Cruise admitting he’s gay would be a shock just because he went through all of the trouble of getting married and procreating, but Clay Aiken being as straight as a circle is not news. I believe most people reacted the same way I did when I say the news.

“Clay Aiken is gay”

“No fucking shit.”

What were the other entertainment headlines of the day? What could have possibly been considered less interesting than this story? I need my Hollywood drama people. I don’t go a whole day without something spicy and interesting to hear about. This unanimous “No duh” situation is trivial and pointless! Please Hollywood please! Someone must have done something completely inappropriate!

Oh thank God for Cloris Leachman. Oh thank you God for old women who have just removed that part of their brain that cares anymore.

Yes, the old darling Cloris Leachman is now busy swearing at the judges and being culturally insensitive. Oh, and wearing a dress so low cut that no one in their 60s has any right being in it let alone a woman old enough to remember prohibition. But really, she got away with making a joke at the expense of one of the judges the way that only elderly women can insult you legitimately and escape with it being perceived as adorable. If not for the amber crusts in her ears she would have received a verbal thrashing from the judges—or rather the reality TV way of punishing contestants: making them look like an ass on TV. Guess they already got to Kim Kardashian.

In other earth shattering announcements recently, it has been made official that The Boss will be playing the Superbowl Half time show, to which I can only say: Thank you God! I’ve been waiting for a while now to see Bruce play this stage and round out the roster of musicians who were good 15 years ago to play the Superbowl. Now I love the sheer delicious drama of Janet Jackson dropping her sweater meat into the open for almost no point, but seeing musicians who just aren’t good anymore embarrass themselves on stage is just the best type of television. How can you top the Rolling Stones’s fantastic performance? I have to image Bruce Springsteen would have to forget the words to his song, accidentally come out playing a Rock Band guitar, and mid song drop his pants. If even only two of those occur I still think that this will be a rousing success of a performance--at least in the “Aw… remember when he used to be good? I pity him” sense of things.

Bruce, I’m going to give you some advice from one man to another. For the love of all that is good… make a complete ass of yourself. I mean it, because we’re growing into a new generation. People don’t remember “Kids In America” or “Gangster Paradise” or “Moonlight Sonata” or whatever you’re famous for anymore. Everyone hears “The Boss” is coming and we assume Donald Trump. Or Mike Tyson, but really, any savage nickname can apply to that guy. Point is, you can either be remembered for coming out on stage, far passed your prime, but putting your best foot forward to give the crowd of fans something to remember that transcends age, or you could come out in a thong cut from the American flag that bursts open halfway through your rendition “Baby Got Back”. It’s your choice Bruce.

<b>Terry’s Reality Show Pitch of the Week</b>: We all know that reality shows are starting to wane out for the return of the game show and sci-fi drama era, but tell that to FOX who continue to supply me with restful nights knowing there is something violently offensive playing from 8 until 9 at some point throughout the week. Still, as bad as FOX can get, they always wrap a little reason into their work to avoid backlash. Things like morals or standards vaguely hold up their work, but I’m here to let them know that it’s okay to let go and just be offensive. After all, that’s why I watch reality shows: to see people go completely ape shit over everything.

Thus I want to pitch a show similar to Wife Swap, but a tad more cruel and demanding. Instead of two families swapping wives, two families have their kids taken from them and hidden somewhere in the city. The parents of the families then compete with each other to find their kids first, with the winning family being reunited, and the losing family’s children being shipped to a 3rd world country for a spin-off show. This daring venture into the real drama that unfit parents have for their children would be known as Amber Alert, and would be a massive financial success--at least for social services.

Well my peeps and peepettes, that’s all from Terry Ash for this week. I’ll return next week after what I can only assume will be another fun filled week in the land of entertainment. This was Hollywood Genocide: the place to get the only news that really matters.

Donating gives you access to the Premium Member Download Area, where you can download full Episodes in MPG and IPOD Video formats. You also get access to Extras, Bloopers and Commentaries!
Donate today and help keep this site running, cause it's damn expensive!

You can view copyright info here