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Hollywood Genocide Episode 1 |
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Written by Rollo T
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Friday, 26 September 2008 02:08 |
Hey there peeps and peepettes, this is Terry Ash, and I’m here to bring you the next edition of Hollywood Genocide, the place to get the only news that really matters. Wait, wasn’t this called The Know before? Well I’m a fickle fuck, so just roll with it.
Our country is diving into a vicious recession that could become a 2nd Great Depression, but who cares it’s Emmy Season!
We are just coming of the eve of the 212th Primetime Emmys—oh wait, the 60th Primetime Emmys. My apologies, it’s just Tom Bergeron looks so old I thought I had missed a few decades of picking names out of a hat and giving them awards. Of course I kid; the Emmys are a place where the great are truly recognized. Only the truly talented obtain the coveted prize they so desire, and the platform is used to give fame to the rightly regarded upper echelon of comedic and dramatic talents.
“Sarah Silverman Wins Emmy”
Fuck the Emmys. Those bastards at the Academy, or the Council, or whatever they call their power meeting where all of them attempt to pull the honey pots stuck on their heads can rot. What justice in the world is there when talents like Michael Emerson fail to capture the award but people like… Kathy Griffin wins an award? Even reading that ten hours later just blows my mind, as it should. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. An Emmy was given to a show that is simplified to Kathy Griffin: I Suck. How does this keep happening?!
Calm down Terry, calm down. NO! Forget calming down! This is an outrage! What will we do when the national prestige of our award shows falter? What can our country accomplish when our greats aren’t truly recognized for their talents? It’s not as though we can expect this debacle at the Oscars!
Never mind. Well fine, if they won’t recognize talent, I will. Ladies and gentleman let me introduce you to the 1st Annual Terry Ash’s Delicious Awards. I figure next year I’ll co-host with Neil Patrick Harris and then I’ll be just as prestigious as our discombobulated Academy! So let’s start the show!
House for Best Other TV Drama: Unfortunately, we just received word that your award has cancer in the lungs. The only way to save it is through a viciously risky and unorthodox surgery that, of course, will not save it. After all, there is still another half hour to fill. Thus, you’ll need an even riskier and more unorthodox surgery to save it. Good luck.
LOST for Best T--: LOST you will unfortunately have to wait until next year to find out what award you won. And even when you do get to the ceremony in ’09, you will only get a few syllables until we go on hiatus for another two months.
Carlos Mencia for Still Having a Job: This is a triumph worthy of an award. You managed to stretch the same four race jokes into four seasons, and stay on the air. Mencia, for the amount of Comedy Central head you must give to stay on the air a small gold plated statuette is well earned. Keep up the good work, and next time put some Chapstick on.
30 Rock for The $35 Dollar Award: I figure since they bought the last few awards they got, that I might as well ride the popularity and have these guys help me with my electric bill this month.
Scrubs for Best Way to Ruin a Moment: Being a doctor isn’t easy. It’s difficult performing a job that steals your life away and constantly thrusts you into a position where life hangs in the balance. It tests a person’s metal, and someone’s true colors are defined by how they can handle it. So when it’s time to learn, there’s no better way than to over play your precious moments with Keane singles. When I think touching moment, I also think gay acoustic guitar play over.
Law & Order for Most Inappropriate Openings: “He was found dead at work.” “Well, I guess he won’t be punching out.” That’s some damn fine writing.
Heroes for Graduating Drama 101: Some have heralded this one of the greatest dramas in recent years. I must agree that it is indeed a drama. However this is perhaps the greatest cast ever found. One wouldn’t normally applaud a casting director for literally grabbing people off the street, but that takes courage. No it’s okay, I’m sure all their moms think they’re good actors. I mean statistically speaking someone must think so, right?
Neil Patrick Harris for Best Actor Ever: Well NPH is God, and I need to suck up if I’m going to get him next year.
Okay, outside of this Emmy nonsense other things have been making buzz around the only place where the news is important. Hollywood’s first really gay couple has finally joined as George Tekai marries um… some other gay guy. I’m sure other gay couples exist, but this is the first really gay couple. All the best from this columnist to the newly weds. I hope to see George again soon on the uh… well I’m sure he’s in… um… Moving along…
Ah, isn’t this just amazing? Soon we’ll be treated to a revival of Knight Rider! We truly need that show back in our lives again. It’s been lonely without it. The slow motion running, the drama, the tight swimsuits, and Pamela Anderson’s rack… Delicious. Oh wait… That was the other David Hasselhoff show? Oh God the one with the talking car? Well I suppose bringing back old television shows is a move that we all really want to see. I mean after all the remake of Bionic Woman was both a financial and a critical success right?
Speaking of shows that have been on the air for just far too long, has Survivor really reached its 17th season!? One cannot be too excited for this news as every year we get to see the same lackluster drama that lives off the phenom from eight years ago. However I want to say inevitably we are bound to reach Survivor: Los Angeles. Oh but this will be the best season yet! Instead of a hodgepodge of people living in the wilderness, it will be 12 sweet innocent Alabama girls raised with a slight prejudice being dropped off in downtown L.A. Last girl still surviving wins! Of course there are some rules, such as if you’re shot you’re still in the game, but you’ll have to tough it out. Also if mugged it’s your responsibility to whore yourself out for the money necessary for the plane ticket home. That’s good drama.
Well peeps and peepettes, that’s all the time I have for this edition. Check back next week when there will be undoubtedly more drama than ever to report on! This is Terry Ash with Hollywood Genocide, the place to get the only news that really matters.
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