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Hey there everyone, I want to introduce you to the first edition of The
Know, the place to get the only news that really matters. I’m your
host Terry Ash, and this is going to be the place to get your entertainment
fix.. After all, scientists may have created a device that could show us how the
universe was birthed or kill us all in a nanosecond, but who cares?! Britney’s
back!
Ah yes, if you’re like me, the fact that Britney Spears is back in the news is a
well earned sigh of relief. Moments before I was still hyperventilating; waiting
to see if my treasured trashy diva was ready to make headlines again, and boy
did she. Three awards at the VMAs, and a new album on the way! Wait… what? A
positive article? Well yeah I guess people are assuming the VMAs were rigged
more than 1919 World Series, but she’s smiling! She looks happy! She’s in shape,
her hair is about as normal as 10 years of tanning can allow and… she’s not
screaming? What the hell!?
Look Britney, it’s time for you to learn the ropes here. We don’t care when you
succeed. Oh yeah “Oops I Did It Again” was cute and all, and dare say we adored
you for your musical talent and scandalous outfits that turned you into the most
culturally accepted one way ticket to prison for sex with minors ever, but that
time is over girl. Now, we just want to see you go ape shit crazy on anyone and
everyone.
No longer do I want to see you prance about winning awards unless it’s for “Quickest
Way to Ruin Your Career”. I don’t want to see you happy, and adjusting for
life! I want hear about you spitting in the face of the judge at a custody
hearing, or accidentally leaving home without a shirt for three hours! Stop
being happy! Stop enjoying life! Stop being a normal celebrity! Damnit girl,
what are you trying to do to us?!
Okay, I’m calming down now. What I mean to say, is that you’re not that cute
anymore Brit. Sure, most men in America would take a 3-wood to the groin just
for the chance to sleep with you (most likely right after the shot too), but I
must admit that your “desirable” factor diminished after you flashed the flower
for us all. Girl, don’t you know? If you’re going to give us all a peek at the
lower quarters, do us a favor and clean up first. Even an impoverished nation
knows to cover up the shit pile before the Children’s Christian Fund comes
around. Point is, we don’t love for your um… “talent” anymore. No no, we love
you exclusively because you are without a doubt the ultimate reassurance that
there is a silver lining. I mean I can get mugged, beaten, and endure testicular
torture, but I can still say “at least I’m not Britney Spears”.
At this point, no one wants you to be happy. We just want to see how absolutely
bat shit crazy you’ll be before you kill someone and we have to put you down not
unlike Ol’ Yeller. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s how we’ll do it—you in a cage
with Jessica Simpson weeping as she loads the shotgun. Your attitude is a lot
like rabies. I mean a lot. So why not just please us? Do you think that
many people bought your album to enjoy it? Stop deluding yourself girl, most
just bought it to see if you forgot the words so many times that they had
to use one of those takes.
So Brit, take my advice. Stop trying to repair your family life, your career,
and your existence. Just stop. We have no room in this world for a normal
Britney Spears. Either start flinging your feces at cars, or get out. Because if
you’re done, I’m pretty sure it’s about time for Kayne West to say something
terribly embarrassing again. Delicious.
Well everyone, I’m Terry Ash, and that concludes my first entry into the world
of internet stardom. I plan to give ThatGuyWithTheGlasses it’s much needed touch
of entertainment news, the way I see it. And now you’re in The Know.
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