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Ahoy-hoy friends to The Countdown
where I have clearly yet to come up with a catchy tagline to say after the
title!
Well that’s no good, but I must make a
brief comment. To be honest the last Countdown was down with research, but it
was all part of an experiment to see how many more hits I could get off riding
The Dark Knight insanity. Turns out a lot, since it has more than twice
the hits as my 2nd highest article, so I guess it was a success.
However I have to say I enjoyed the casting calls a tad too much. It almost made
me think what would happen if I made the worst casting calls in superhero movie
history… or should I say the “best”?
Let’s start The Countdown
10. The Blob as portrayed by Artie Lange
As any Howard Stern aficionado can tell
you that Mr. Lange is the butt of almost every fat joke in existence. As if the
show wasn’t mean enough, Artie has been subject to just about every rib in
existence. They hired women on that were attracted to fat gentlemen prompting
the former MadTV host to claim that they thought the only way Artie could
get laid was to find chicks attracted to obese pigs. After entering drug rehab
(again) and missing the Bob Saget Roast, the Comedy Central
representative listed off Artie’s possible replacements on the special event.
Jeff Garlin… Ralphie Mayes… “You just have fat people to replace me?” Pretty
much Artie. A lot of people already wrote fat jokes about you.
I don’t think anyone who’s heard of it can
forget the time when Artie was in the hospital, and the Howard Stern cast was
kind enough to call—posing as Lange’s non-existent brother. They told the nurse
to inform Artie that he was a fat piece of shit, and if they had any medication
to help him stop being a fat piece of shit. The only way to top this all is if
Lange plays quite literally: a fat piece of shit. Thus Artie should become The
Blob; a supervillain who’s power is to be so overly obese--so corpulent that he
creates his own gravity fields. The role shouldn’t be hard to embody, but it is
low on this list because well…
Have you seen Beer League? I rest
my case.
9. Mysterio as portrayed by George Lucas
The ultimate perfection of director to
role, I can’t think of anyone who can benefit more from this casting than the
man who gave us Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Imagine if you will,
a peaceful New York City.
The skyline is lit by the light of the cosmos as your friendly neighborhood
Spiderman rests upside down on the 20th story. All seems well until
screams start occurring a mere seven blocks away. From this distance the
webslinger can’t spot the danger, but upon merely swinging down a few street
corners the cause beyond the hysteria is all too apparent. Mysterio is turning
the section of downtown
Manhattan into
Star Wars Episode II! Droids march down the street! Star ship battles
take the sky! Lightsaber duels travel all across our fair city as the vile
special effects fiend absconds with all of our money! Worse yet he finishes the
job by making us sit through an Anakin/Padame love scene… Diabolical!
What greater choice of weaponry could a
person wish for than the imagination of the creative mind behind perhaps the
most iconic piece of sci-fi ever made? Forget hydrogen bombs; give me the battle
of Mustafar performed in stunning real life presentation and watch Spider-Man
attempt to escape that vile clutch! What can our hero from the Big Apple
possibly do against the combined imaginative efforts of the entire Star Wars
and Indiana Jones trilogy?! Nothing! Death by nerd… is there any passing
more disturbing?
8. The Kingpin as portrayed by Oprah
Oh yes, the pinnacle of symbolism, the
king of New York influence being portrayed by the most powerful woman on Earth,
and I think she’ll look damn fine in a white pants suit. Imagine if you will
New York City completely controlled by Oprah. There will
be free cars and book clubs everywhere! If you dare to cross her she doesn’t
send an assassin after you, but instead invites you on her show and will proceed
to rip you a new one. There’s no way to recover from that, and you must live on
in your shame. Your shame!
It’s that contagious enthusiasm that is
her greatest tool actually. Picture her yelling “SPIDER-MAN!” at the top of her
lungs after being defeated during one of her fat stages. Then she slims down and
battles DareDevil to a vicious stalemate. Of course everyone knows that Oprah is
skilled in the White Lotus style. One of the last remaining masters I’ve heard.
She is the silent wind of doom! Wooosh!
7. Superman as portrayed by John Cena
Anyone familiar with sports entertainment
or the WWE knows who John Cena is. He’s one of the most prolific champions,
easily one of the most recognizable names, and a dominant powerhouse to the
franchise. He’s a superstar, and a certain legend in the making, but this writer
also believes he has the skills to be the Man of Steel. Of course I mean the one
and only hacked superhero of justice, Superman! And damn this fit just matches
perfectly. After all John Cena has been playing Superman in the ring for the
last three years now. For those who have never seen a John Cena match, it goes
pretty much like this.
Match starts. Back and forth. Cena gets
pummeled. Cena comes back for a bit. Cena gets pummeled again. Cena hits his
finishing move out of nowhere. 1-2-3. Ding Ding.
See it takes real acting know how to do
the same thing every match and still make it feel ever so fresh! That was of
course, sarcasm. John Cena is staler than the quesadilla that fell behind my
dresser, but I still ate it, and this is still a good pick. If his wrestling
skills don’t lend credit to why he’s so skilled for this role, let me explain
further. Did you see The Marine? John Cena quite literally survived 93
minutes of straight explosions. Superman may have defeated Brainiac, but John
Cena flipped over some seven foot tall black guy who had horrific flashbacks
about being raped on the promise of rocky sweets. And afterwards, he survived
the countless explosions that existed well… everywhere.
If that doesn’t lend credit to Cena being
the ultimate Superman, I don’t know what will. Imagine it now… “You can’t see
me!” *super speed knock out punch* “Told ya.”
6. Ghost Rider as portrayed by Craig T.
Nelson
What a smart pick! Really, this is
absolutely a solid casting call from a monetary standpoint. After all, I can’t
imagine Nelson being one of those men that you need to haggle with to get him on
your movie. “We’ll feed you” “I’ll do it!”
If the negotiation is even that difficult
I’d be surprised. Furthermore you can simply fire the make up crew because
there’s no need to make Nelson look anymore like a corpse than he already does.
Skeletor wishes he had a bone structure like the former coach, but alas we can’t
all be as lucky as the living undead. It’s about time we finally put Nelson
where his career has been. In the grave.
5. Ant-Man as portrayed by Gary Busey
Movie star of old turned uh… killer
gingerbread man? Busey has been on quite a drought of good work since he hit his
head and found Jesus (the fact that the two instances are connected has to be
some type of irony). We all remember Busey from such classics as Lethal
Weapon, The Buddy Holly Story, Point Break, and of course
That’s My Momma, but I think it’s time that we all embrace him as Ant-Man!
Perhaps the famous founding member of the
Avengers will be the ultimate role for everyone’s favorite helmet enthusiast.
You can’t question the pick, as just like the hero’s power, Busey’s career just
keeps getting smaller and smaller…
4. The Hulk as portrayed by Naomi Campbell
Talk about an easy role; insatiable rage
is all about what Campbell
is about. Think of the time you’ll save here! All you need to do is film Ms.
Campbell going around town, and capturing her reactions. Then just Photoshop
some tanks and planes in, and we have a movie! Really, there’s no need for make
up or anything of the sort as I’m fairly positive that she turns green upon
enraging anyway.
All that’s left is just capturing the
right scenes, but that shouldn’t be too hard. Just film her watching as someone
doesn’t hold the door for her. Instantly we have the scene were Hulk lunges
across the landscape to crush the army. Then capture her learning McDonalds is
all out of eggs. Surprise, we now have our violent moment where The Hulk starts
to rip buildings out of the ground and throw coffee at the floor! And then we’ll
just need one shot of someone accidentally bumping into her at the movie
theaters, and there we go we now have footage of green monstrosity ripping the
arms off her enemies. One might question the morality of filming such a violent
person as she does her day to day life, but one must only remind themselves of
one thing.
CAMPBELL SMASH!
3. Mr. Freeze as portrayed by Jimmy Fallon
Ah, the perfect casting for the straight
aimed Fallon. There is perhaps no role more serious than this, as Freeze has a
reputation of having a tragic back story and a rather haunted mien. I can think
of no one else to play this role than the particularly talented Fallon. After
Arnold’s portrayal we need someone who won’t make me
laugh and Fallon is the man to do it.
Many might criticize this and say “but
there are much better actors” out there, and I’d agree. There are many fine
actors out there to play this role, but the problem is that most will crack the
odd joke, and we can’t have that. We need an actor who won’t make you laugh at
all. I need someone who couldn’t make me chuckle no matter how hard he tries,
and I need someone so painfully lacking of humor to deliver the Oscar worthy
role we desire. No thrills, no surprises, and of course, no laughs. Yes, perhaps
this is the best casting call ever.
2. The Juggernaut as portrayed by Carrot
Top
Have you seen Carrot Top recently? Like
really seen him? Clearly when this guy bombed at a show he made the promise to
do twenty curls for everyday until he was regarded funny again. The result is
this. If that’s not the picture perfect Juggernaut, I don’t know who is.
Vinnie Jones? Ha! He’s a bitch compared to the might of Carrot Top! Sure, Vinnie
Jones may have assaulted a person or two, but Carrot Top has robbed thousands
and taken lives! No really, if you do the math you have to assume that with the
hour long performances he’s done that he’s easily taken lives with all the
wasted moments. He probably has a warrant out for his arrest in
New York by now, but what manner of wolverine would they
have to sick on this comedian to subdue him?
Of course this just lends further credit
to why Carrot Top should indeed play everyone’s favorite powerhouse. “Don’t you
know who I am?” *Silence from Juno* “I’M CARROT TOP BITCH!”
Honorable Mentions
The Punisher as portrayed by Dick
Cheney: This joke was just too easy. I couldn’t let myself to it.
Clayface as portrayed by Joan Rivers:
Imagine clayface with a permanent smile. But unlike Joker he didn’t need to cut
himself one. Nope, he just botoxes himself the perfect grin.
Killer Croc as portrayed by Steve Irwin:
This joke was in such bad taste that I couldn’t do it. I just… I just couldn’t.
Bucky as portrayed by Ann Coulter:
If there’s one person that needs to die, it’s her, and Bucky seems to bite the
dust quite often.
1. Wonder Woman as portrayed by
Halle Berry
Berry has become almost a staple of comic book movie for
her faithful interpretations of Storm and Catwoman. Who could forget Storm’s
marvelously forced African (?) accent that she strangely stopped using after
their conflict with Magneto. That was such an obscure fact that none of the rest
of us knew it existed, but Halle
Berry
seemed to know! And who could forget Catwoman, which single handedly killed the
ideal of having her character reappear in cinema form? At this point Ms.
Berry can only
go up, so why not the pinnacle of heroine power?
Ah, imagine now Wonder Woman. She’s black,
she’s feisty, and she has strange one liners that don’t make much sense. “Never
been in a lasso before? Well you have now.” “Time to tell the truth; something
you rarely do.” “*in a thick Jamaican accent* Ya better be ready ya bombaclots
as I’m going to tie ya up real good now ya hear?”
Don’t ask my why Wonder Woman talks with a
Jamaican accent because I’m still rather confused as to why Storm wore such
attires. Wasn’t Storm like… 40 in the comics? I should not be seeing so much
midriff. But really, it has reached a point where all we can do is focus on the
positives. I mean, once
Halle
Berry destroys this character we’ll finally be done with
her, right? I mean, she couldn’t possibly play Superman or Captain
America,
right?! Sadly, I don’t even think
Berry in the Wonder Woman attire would be nearly as
attractive as it should. No matter though, it is fine acting that will promote
this film.
Well, that’s the list, and I hope you
enjoyed yourself. If you have your own idea for the “best” casting call, feel
free to leave a comment alongside your undying love. Until next time friends.
Peace.
This article was done by LordVonQuack
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