"Where's my damn article?!" My editor's voice screamed through my phone. He'd called me at the ungodly early hour of 11 am to chew me out about my being late in turning in my latest magnum opus 10 Most Awesome Weapons in Gaming.

"What's the big rush?" I asked nonchalantly, as I fixed myself a plate of cheddar-covered bacon stuffed waffles and grabbed a Dr. Pepper. (The breakfast of The Mighty, by the way!) So its a little late, big deal.

"IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS!!!"

"Well, listen Mike, there's a lot of research that goes into selecting the choicest of gaming weapons. Range, magazine capacity, how much blood gets on the walls, there are a lot of variables! I have to be thorough about this! Not to mention my work on the podcast."

"Look here, Mr. Bigshot Doctor of Awesomology! Either I get a column from you, or else I'm gonna call up the Dean at UKA, and tell him what a waste of space his students and alumni are!" The phone went dead after that.

I was livid. Not only had he insulted me, he'd profaned the honor of my Alma Mater. NOBODY talks that way about the University of Kick-Ass, or its graduates (Class of 2007, LUCKY 7'S, BABY!). On my honor and that of my fathers, Michaud would have his column, and it would be FACE MELTINGLY AWESOME.

A few moments of television wherein some shrew talk show hostess was grilling a woman's husband because he had the nerve to be both married and a gamer showed me my topic. I slammed down my breakfast and leaped to my computer. There was work to be done.

5 Reasons to Date a Gamer

There's a stigma attached to being a gamer. Go to any bar, walk up to any girl and strike up a conversation. If she hasn't already laughed at your Konami Code T-shirt, then she's inevitably going to ask you what your hobbies are. And once you say "gamer" your fate is sealed, friends. That fine lady (or chiseled Adonis, depending on your gender/preference) is gonna walk off with some douchenugget with enough oil in his hair to season a salad and you're gonna be spending the rest of the night with just you, your game collection and a six-pack of soda. Which isn't necessarily a BAD thing, but a change of pace IS nice now and again.

Friends and fellow gamers, this list is not for you, I fear. Rather, it is for every blonde heart stomper who ever spurned you, for every woman who ever recoiled in horror at your pale visage, and for every female who has ever laughed at you for daring to enjoy your treasured past time! Although I WILL say that though this list will certainly IMROVE your chances, bare essentials like personal hygiene are still you responsibility. If a woman runs the other way because you only have a nodding acquaintance with soap and shampoo, then that's on you, dude.

But for those of you who have ever turned down a gamer, or think that gamers have nothing to offer in a relationship, read on! You can learn a lot about a person by what games they play, and I am here to tell you that gamers probably have even MORE to offer than that slick-haired jock who just slipped a roofie in your drink! (made you look!)

5: RTS Gamers have AWESOME Financial Management Skills!

Real Time Strategy Games are ALL about the resource management. Gold, psi, food, dilithium, whatever its called, you need it to build your armies, and dammit, that means you gotta know where your hard wrought wealth is gonna go ahead of time!

RTS players (assuming they APPLY the skills gained in-game to real life!) have not only spent a great deal of time marching on Roman cities or defending against Zerg Rushes. They've also learned how to manage both their time and their resources. Thus, they can easily plan dates and outings, and you know DAMN well when he comes to pick you up that he's gonna have the scratch in his wallet to cover every conceivable expense short of your car exploding. If you're dating an RTS gamer who's playing his cards right, you will NEVER get stuck with the bill, because if he doesn't have the cash, he's got an emergency backup fund set aside in case of unplanned meal tickets/Orc incursions!

4: Shooter and Survival Horror Players Can Keep You Safe in an Emergency.

Survival Horror is about just that: survival (and horror, but mostly survival). Veterans of Resident Evil, Silent Hill, and most sci-fi shooters released in the last 3 years will have honed the defensive reflexes of the nimble North American Fox. If you even THINK the words "zombie apocalype", the Survival Horror player will instantly be scanning his surroundings, cataloging possible entry/escape points, potential weapons, and calculating how many running steps it would take to get your asses out of there. And don't even BREATHE the word "Nazi" around the shooter player, unless you're willing to claim responsibility for the ensuing bloodbath your date will cause to keep you safe from potential threats! And Zombie Nazis? Lady, we LIVE for that kind of thing!

But these skills don't just apply to threats from the supernatural or the Third Reich. The Survival player will have stocked supplies and gear in the event of an emergency. Tire go flat? The Survival player will have that fucker changed and you back on the road in less than 15 minutes. Suddenly stricken with nausea? First Aid kit in the bathroom! Suddenly feeling peckish on a long trip? Pop open the glove box and TELL ME THERE ISN'T A CANDY BAR IN THERE!! And if he doesn't have the equipment for the emergency, he knows just who to call. Hell, odds are he's got those sumbitches on SPEED DIAL!! Never again will you have to call your friends to pick you up off the side of I-95 because he doesn't know how to change a tire, because the Survival Player HAS HIS SHIT TOGETHER!

3: Online is Fun, but Multiplayer's Best When You're in the Same Room.

If you're dating a gamer, it's inevitable that he's gonna want you to join in his gaming. Thankfully, with the advances of Party Game Technology, the long painful lessons filled with "you're not doing it right!" are a thing of the past! DDR and Rock Band have been scientifically proven to improve the Fun Factor of any date by at least 30%, and no longer do you have to worry about gamers thinking less of you because you don't know Liu Kang's killer finishing move!

In all seriousness, of course we're gonna want you to play with us now and again. Its not because we're game obsessed (well, MOST of us aren't), but because we want to have some fun and spend some time with you. We don't hand you the controller to make a fool of you, we do it because we want to share our world(s) with you, as you have shared your world with us. Its ok if you're not "1337" (to gamers: If you EVER use "leet-speak" on a woman, she is well within her rights to leave. It's a law, look it up), we just want to have some fun, and its a lot more fun to play games with someone sitting next to you than someone shouting into a microphone halfway across the globe.

2: Believe It or Not, We're People Too.

I'm going to dispel a couple myths here. First off, very FEW gamers are obsessed to the point where they forsake personal hygiene, we are not ALL sex-crazed lunatics (though I can't speak for the gentleman in the back row there, he seems a little skeevy), and I know this is gonna blow your mind when I say this, but we DO have interests OUTSIDE of gaming. Truth be told, gaming is just a small part of who we are. We have lives beyond our controllers, and our thoughts aren't continuously of cheat codes and combos. I myself like to read WWII history books and enjoy visiting art museums. Don't be afraid to look past the controller. We enjoy going to movies, the odd walk in the park, and we have no objection to going out of the house and doing things with you.

What it boils down to is that we are human beings with thoughts, emotions and desires just like you are. And ignoring that and shutting us down just because of ONE facet of our lives is a really shitty thing to do. We are gamers, but we're also PEOPLE. Don't judge us, love us.

And finally ......

1: We're Good With Our Hands.

I'll let you figure out what I mean by that. ~_o
Fingers of a surgeon, baby. Fingers of a surgeon.

Author's Note: Yeah, its a short one, I know. But I've been busy. You can see what I've been up to in my time by listening to Nerd to the Third Power, in the Podcasts section! And stay tuned, the Gaming Hall of Fame will be back soon, and in VIDEO form!!